The (Not So Great) Mikey (Who Is British) Sex Survey

On Thurday night Channel 4 aired The Great British Sex Survey, a top 10 countdown of a large sample poll (ooh er) done in conjunction with YouGov. It sought to find out what goes on in the bedrooms, sheds and… jars of our great land. Are British people as repressed as everyone thinks? It appears not for the most part. I myself, am a bit of a perv.  Exes would probably vouch for that (though I’d rather they don’t!) and so too would people who know me pretty well. When I say perv, I don’t mean in a gropey sex pest sort of way. In fact, the word pervert doesn’t really mean much with its modern day useage. Lot’s of people like sex. It is not “abnormal or unacceptable”. As long as it’s consenting and legal then go for it. Just don’t send me any pictures thanks. Unless I ask for some obviously.

Sex toys were at number 1. Which, ironically was a bit of anti climax. Is that really a fetish? Is your right hand a fetish? Still, I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation before..

 

 

As a show, its intention was the message of sex positivity and promoting an openness (now now) not normally associated with British people and that is a good thing. The top ten was  pretty much to be expected but it was when the more obscure fetishes were touched upon that events took an eye opening turn. As with most things in life there are things you don’t understand but say “fair do’s, not for me. Move on”. I don’t get the sex doll thing. I find it a bit creepy. Especially if you push that sex doll around town in a wheelchair, even if I concede “she’s” not able to pop to Morrisons of her own volition. I don’t get why you would want to rub up against balloons. I’ll never understand foot fetishes. I’ll never understand why someone would want to put a big screw IN their dick. I don’t understand why you’d dress up as the michelin man and walk around some woods but hey, I don’t understand why The Libertines are so popular. You accept it and move on. It doesn’t affect me in any way. Sort of like gayness doesn’t affect homophobic people, they just choose to be disgusted.

I’m a broad-minded person but then I guess most of us would say that about ourselves. However my open-mindeness was pushed too far at the guy shagging a jar of worms. Not only that but he confessed to the thrill of slugs crawling over him. SLUGS ARE THE DEVIL’S PLASMA AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE A GENUINE PHOBIA. Ok, calm down. Where was I? Ah yes. Do what you like. Go crazy. Push your boundaries.

 

 

So it got me thinking, what would be my top ten? I’ll level with you from the off here that though all that is listed below is genuinely true, there is some stuff that I haven’t listed because a) you gotta keep some things personal and b) We may never be able to look eachother in the eye ever again.

 

 

10A: JESSICA HYNE’S VOICE

 

Jessica in general to be honest. Her voice has always been calling me (not for real, which is a shame). It’s a bit posh, a bit Laaandan, a bit husky, a bit stern and a bit naughty. Her narration of The Great British Sex Survey utilised all these traits very well indeed. Especially when saying words like ‘orgasm’ and ‘spanking’.

 

 

10B: FRINGES

 

I’ve never been to the Edinburgh Fringe so I can’t claim any authority on its sexiness. I can speak for fringes of the hair kind. Pop a fringe on anyone and they will immediately become about 20% more attractive in my eyes. This is a statistical fact that can’t be disputed. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have any ill feeling towards foreheads – they serve their purpose of helping hide our mushy brains from being visible to the outside world. Vital work such as it is.  I can’t explain it. It doesn’t need explaining. Fringes are sexy. Deal with it.  I mean… LOOK

 

 

I think you’d agree…

 

 

 

9: SEX IN PUBLIC

 

Now it should be pointed out that this is kinda illegal but what’s the betting that most of you have acted out on this?  It seems that the major kick here is the thrill of maybe getting caught but if I were ever to be found mid public-ness I would be HORRIFIED. Almost as horrified as the person who’d walked in on proceedings. I guess there is mostly the sense of doing something you shouldn’t be doing, that a taboo is being broken.

I’ve done a bit but not too much. I’ve done it in cars but then we all have. I’ve done it in a changing room (that was pretty hot tbh). I’ve recieved a handjob on a very empty late night train. Ah, the romance of it all. I’ve also done it in some woods but to be honest, all the random sticks and twigs are a pain in the arse. Not literally… though that might be good to note for the future..

People are going to do it whatever, it just needs some common sense in place. For example, despite what The Beatles may recommend, it is not wise to do it in road for a myriad of reasons including health and safety. Don’t do it in insanely public places like parks or you know, near schools because you almost definitely will get arrested. Still, if you’re into police uniforms that might heighten your experience even more.

 

 

8: THREESOMES/ORGIES

 

Definitely not something to enter into lightly (sorry). It can cause jealousy and insecurity if done for the wrong reasons. I’ve dabbled only slighty in threesomes, which is probably where I’m going wrong (lolz). I have had most men’s ultimate fantasy of some threesomes with two girls. It was a very long time ago and truthfully, the first time it happened my brain was too busy combusting with “OMG THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING” to actually be in the moment. When I say some, I mean, like only three or four times. You’ve seen me, right? I’m not James Bond.*

* I am James Bond.

I’m also not at all bothered about the MMF scenario as long as he’s not really hairy (ugh) or has a bigger dick than me. And both clauses have to be previously guaranteed before the event with a written contract. Actually, I’d make an exception if the chance of a Summer/Tom/Me threesome ever popped its head up (sorry). For that I’d waiver any need for signatures and be in there like a horny bee to metaphorical honey. Or something.

 

 

I can confess I have never been in any orgy other than the orgy of confusion that is my everyday life and that doesn’t count. In principle it has everything going for it purely for the fact you’ll be in a place with more boobs than you can shake your stick at (sorry again). Boobs are great so where’s the downside? Well, realistically it’d be awkward and everybody would likely be self conscious. And the men would all be hairy and have bigger dicks than me. Maybe it’s best to leave this one to porn stars, eh?

 

 

 

7: JENNA COLEMAN

Frankly, if shagging creepy crawlies can be classed as a fetish then so can fancying the flip out of Jenna Coleman. It needs a name though. Jennaphilia? Colemanism? Here are the direct causes for.. whatever it’s going to be named:

She’s beautiful.

And pretty.

Which is kind of the same thing but also kind of not.

Those cheekbones.

Honestly, those cheekbones.

Her cute button nose is EVERYTHING.

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She’s graceful and feminine.

And clever.

But a bit goofy too.

THE SMILE

STAHP.

She always says innuendo accidently in interviews and then gets really awkward when she realises.

The half posh / half lancastrian accent.

Her hair.

AND THE HAIR SWISH. Nobody does a hair swish to camera as good as Jenna.

AND…

 

 

 

6: GIRL ON GIRL

 

I admit defeat on this one. I am a useless, weak male that is conforming to the societal stereotype. The maths is so simple even I can understand it. Attractive woman + attractive woman = hot. Not even Pythagoras himself would dispute this. Yes, we crumble when girls get it on. Yes, our brain cells disintegrate. Yes, we will always think it’s hot even if you’re only doing it for a laugh and not at all into it. I’m sooo ashamed. I am an awful, predictable man. But I Liiiiike it.

 

 

5: DUNGAREES

 

Clothes?! What are clothes but a barrier to nakedness? Such a disgusting concept! I joke of course. We all have a predilection for certain types of clothing.  I guess I have two main interests in this department (God that sounded creepy) as I’m attracted to femininity I guess it makes sense that I love dresses that show off curves.  Retro type dresses including fifties style and polka dot are definitely bonza in my mind.  Feck nurses gear, this is the stuff of Mikey dreams..

I also have a thing for denim. Please can you stop picturing Status Quo as it will ruin my point entirely. Not a clue why this is “a thing” for me at all. All I know is that denim shorts and dungarees are up there with the world’s greatest creations. I’m now picturing Status Quo in denim hotpants and feel totally violated. Quick – what we need is a GIF of Marina in dungarees.

 

 

 

4: ORAL

 

There are guys who do not like giving oral and there are some who don’t do it at all.   This is incomprehensible. It’s awesome. What’s not to love? You should not expect to recieve any if you don’t give it out surely? Stop letting us men (who are already flawed e-bloody-nough) down any longer. If you don’t like it, stick a visor on, stuff some cotton wool up yer nose and get down there and do your duty. THEN AND ONLY THEN, WILL YOU BE A HERO MY FRIEND.

 

 

I am available all week for motivational speeches. You’re welcome.

 

 

3: FOREPLAY

 

Now this covers a broad church including the one listed above.

 

 

No, not that kind of Broadchurch.

Anyway, it’s the chance to look at and play with many bits of the body and we can agree that’s an excellent thing can’t we? There’s plenty of erogenous zones about, almost as many as the amount of Tesco Metros within a 10 mile radius of your house* Ignoring said zones is actually rude.  Put it this way – if you drove past Lazer Quest every day you would make an effort to visit now and then wouldn’t you? Let’s just let that analogy settle for a moment.

I’ve got to stop talking about foreplay now as the picture above has a picture of a dead body on the beach and it’s ruining the vibe somewhat. Typical excuse I know: “Not tonight dear, another beach, another dead body”. Well this has taken rather a dark turn.

*This has not been researced.

 

 

2: PARTIALISM

The show on Thursday taught me something new so Channel 4 really can be educational. I’d never heard the word partialism before, it essentially means a sexual interest in a part of the body that isn’t the genitals.

 

 

We must all have these and there’s one I can’t relate to at all. I whince at the thought of a foot fetish (say that ten times quickly when drunk). Feet serve a wonderful purpose to get us around and all that but EEEURGH, no way am I sucking your toes. HELL TO THE NO. More than anything it’s the feel of them I can’t stand. Unintentional joke right there. Ears too are bit weird. Honestly, stare at an ear and it gets odder and uglier looking with each second. Don’t do this with strangers because you might get punched, especially if you tell them they have minging ears.

Predictably I am partial to a bit of partialism (don’t try saying that drunk either) as if you didn’t need any more convincing that I’m a grade A pervball. Let’s face it, hips, the small of the back, shoulders, neck…. other than feet it’s not exactly shabby is it? It’s all great but here goes:

WIDE FACES: Someone once told me I only liked hamster faced women who looked like they were storing food.  It never occured to me before but it was a 100% true observation. I’m still waiting for responses to my video on datearodent.com as we speak.

 

 

NOSES: Not every nose. That would be WEIRD. This is a pretty recent development and I’m not sure why some noses are attractive and the rest are just standard boring noses. To clarify, after just looking up Nasophilia, I have no interest in snot or penetrating nostrils in any way. It is early days in noseland though so who knows what the future might hold but if that does ever happen you have full permission to castrate me.

 

 

Go away Voldetwat. Here’s some extreme hardcore nose action in the form of Imogen Poots. YEEEEAH.

 

 

THIGHS: It seems the official term for a thigh fetish is… thigh fetish. Lots of thought went into that one. It also helps that thighs are essentially right near the top of the… stairway to heaven.  Ahem.

 

 

And so, only one place remains in the countdown. What has come on top? (snigger) Is it that Oculolinctus is my thing? Do I derive kicks from Agalmatophilia? Am I a secret Furrie?

 

DRUM ROLL PLEEEEASE…..

 

 

 

1: BUMS / ANAL

 

Yes. Bum related things are victorious. Sorry.

 

 

SURPRISE!

 

 

And now this is a good excuse to post GIFS. Just in case no one knows what a bum looks like.

 

 

So yes, undisputed number one is my love of bums.  I’m so English I can’t say “ass” because it just wouldn’t seem right. Why is it top of the list? Well, they’re awesome aren’t they? Breasts are great but bums are betterer. You can quote me on that.

As for anal as a sexual act, it’s certainly a lot less taboo than it was even ten years ago which is undoubtedly due to internet porn where some scenes don’t even feature any vaginal penetration. Er. So I’m told.  I find it difficult to believe it didn’t make the top ten of The Great British Sex Survey but then would Channel 4 really be prudish and decide not to mention it?  Either way, sod them. Literally. Just make sure you use lube.

Don’t worry, I won’t give you the ins and outs (last pun I promise) of bum love. You’ve got google for that.  It’s probably best to leave the final word on the matter to that famous soulmate of mine, Jez.