Safe House (Series 2, Episode 4 Review)

Safe House lives up its title in a finale that plays it so bland it makes Shredded Wheat exciting in comparison. Safety first is the order of the day but even worse is the contempt in which the viewers are treated. If writing has the guts and imagination to follow through on everything it sets up, to answer the questions it’s had had the nerve to want to be asked, then any faults will remain niggles rather than a banging your head against a wall sort of frustration. Safe House has a San Andrea sized fault running through the carpets. It constantly disregarded the premises set out. Most of the things that happened in the first three episodes were meaningless and of no consequence, the actions of character’s weren’t explained or vaguely logical. Threads were unfurled and left dangling.

The villain here was never going to be Roger Lane as he was only introduced in the penultimate episode and the fingers were so blatantly pointing at Liam come the credits it was unlikely to be him either. But in making Simon The Crow it makes a mockery of a series that was a shambles already. What was Simon’s motivation? We’re fed a sudden back story at the dinner table as Liam says that his dad used to get very angry with his mum and if you hadn’t guessed already, it was then clear who the traitor was. This is at odds with the ideal of The Crow making the men suffer. Why would he kidnap his own wife if that’s the case? To make his son suffer? He didn’t have an affair with his wife. Though it would have been a plot twist! Did Simon kill MacBride? Did he kill John? If he did, the premise being that he took Liam away from him to Manchester because.. that’s a reason to kill? Also, pushing someone down a ladder confuses The Crow mythology more. Jason Watkins makes sinister and creepy at the reveal and is frankly the only one giving the script more power than it deserves.

There’s so much more left unanswered that you wonder if they binned the last four episodes in the writer’s room and went to the pub instead? What happened to Griffin after he got attacked and did he still have some sort link to the murders? What on earth was that John and Dani kissing stuff all about? Add to that, we never even saw a glimpse of Julie and her daughter in the finale so we didn’t see their reaction to his death (throwing a party presumably). Three episodes built around a family that are discarded at the last moment is insulting an audience that is asked to care. Then there is Tom’s fling with Elizabeth which had been signposted more than a Wonderbra campaign in the nineties. He admits to Sam they had a one year fling but it doesn’t seem much of an issue as he answers his phone mid confession. Was John going out with Sam at the time or was it before? Anyone? Dervla Kirwan must have fancied a cold holiday as she was only in about four scenes.

If TV shows could win awards for ending a series with unsatisfactory nonsense then the mantelpiece in this safe house would be chock-full. You can question plenty of the closing twenty minutes so here goes: Why did Simon bring his gun to the safe house, pretty much waving it under a cop’s nose. Not just any cop’s nose either, the one that has been chasing you for years. Why didn’t Liam go straight to Tom? All the evidence was there. In another deviation from The Crow’s past, Simon seems to have disposed of Sam’s body (dead or alive) rather than locking her up. Here’s the thing – we don’t know do we? Anything. As Brook wrestles mad Duke in the world’s worst wet t-shirt contest the series is over and what strives to be an epic cliff hanger is simply the act of a programme drowning in it’s own unsavoury fluids.

Cast and script changes have clearly had a big affect on a project that looked low on confidence. Ironically for a show so slow moving it might have been the battle against the clock to get everything up to scratch after all the production problems and this more than shows on screen. It’s already had a second breath of life but a third will be prolonging the misery. If Sam is alive she’ll stay locked up somewhere and this house on the rugged North Wales coast should get a change of locks, be boarded up and condemned. 2/10

 

Doctor Foster (Series 2, Episode 4 Review)

In Doctor Foster, even when expecting the unexpected you can still be confounded to a point where dizziness takes over. That applies more than ever in a penultimate episode crammed with paranoia. In a change of tact to its standard structure we see the same morning from two different perspectives and at last Jodie Comer is given the chance to shine as Kate. She rightfully gets a chance to be the headline act.

Kate opens a hand delivered letter containing the tie Simon left after the  and it injects more doubts on top of the ones that were clearly already there. It’s a game changer to be allowed a look into the window of a relationship we’ve only ever seen glimpses of through Gemma’s eyes. Kate is led on a which hunt through the plants of Carly, Sian and Anna, the latter leaving loads of notes around the Doctor’s property with the address of her hotel on them. It’s a convoluted plot to ambush Kate that backfires on the surface but the seeds have still been sown.

In a scene that brilliantly echoes Gemma’s first confrontation with Simon about the affair back in series one, Kate challenges him with fire in her heart: “Work out the consequence of lying and the consequences of telling the truth”. Simon’s silence is longer and more painful than before and the tension palpable as another lie is expected to froth from his lips. Instead he tells the truth and his pathetic squirming sets toes curling “Seconds into it I started thinking of you, your body’s better, the things you can do with it.. you smell better, you’re kinder. I get much more pleasure from you in every way. Starting sex with her was driven by lust, yes but finishing it was politeness”. It brings a weird moment of hilarity but still can’t cut the tension. Once a pathological liar always a pathological liar.

Kate returns to the hotel and is lectured on her husband’s obsession with the ex-wife. From dress sense, wedding vows and.. er.. food” Gemma wins her over by saying “His taste is me”. It may be tenuous to some but it’s perfectly understandable that she is won over by this. It serves to amplify Kates’s earlier “I’m here!” as her husband looked through her and talked only of his former lover. Never could it have been predicted that the women in Simon’s life would end up as an uneasy alliance. While all these new revelations are true let’s not forget that Gemma is also obsessed. People in glass houses and all that.

What of poor Tom? The story that grounds everything in reality. Captive in a hotel room and sobbing in a touching moment as mum washes his hair. He is still a kid and the most damaged out of everyone. What Simon said about his mother is still a mystery and is one of two key points the whole series is hanging on. The second is Simon’s grand declaration that he’ll only leave in a coffin. Someone might leave in a wooden box but it could be anyone.

Simon’s life, like the man himself is an entire lie. He has no money in the house, the business isn’t his, even his satchel isn’t his own. The clothes he stood in would have been stripped off were it not for public decency.  Chris Parks is literally every viewer as he rages “It was made very clear to you from the beginning that all this, this whole life is my daughters and you get to live in it while she’s happy. The moment she’s not it snaps back” then happily exclaiming “and here it is FUCKING SNAPPING! HAPPY DAY!” It’s punch the air satisfying. Mr nasty has lost his house, business, wife and child and only two of those were his anyway. As Gemma rolls up to survey the wreckage there’s an incredibly powerful contrast. Simon kicks and punches her car but she sits there stony faced. Almost numb. Her victory tasting somewhat bitter. For a moment there it almost looked like she was softening. That is until she speeds the car at him. Normal service resumed. Kind of.

As drama goes it can’t get more riveting than this. Doctor Foster is a kitchen sink drama with cinematic ambition. It’s a pulse quickening, mouth opening extravaganza of madness. So mouth opening you too could inelegantly shove pasta in your gob IF you could take your eyes off the screen that is. Like last week this felt like a series finale so it’s a guarantee the stakes will be raised even further than all that’s gone before. Murder? Suicide? A happy ending? Nah, Just joking about the last one. 10/10

Doctor’s notes

• it was obvious Kate wanted out the moment see stared with contempt at Simon wolfing down pasta.
• A vibrator in someone’s drawer isn’t a sign of a bad sex life. Just saying
• Even Simon looked embarrassed as he said “love you” down the phone. And he was alone.
• Whatever the removal company is called we need to know because those guys are damn good at their jobs.
• Did Simon put the GPS on Gemma’s phone?
• Why would Gemma run over the man she has just claimed “victory” over? All that she’s worked for would be over in an instant.

Bang (S4C) Episode 3 Review

The gun isn’t the star of the show this week. Sam’s world is falling around his shoulders as we follow the fallout following the death of his Nan. It’s a few weeks on from from our last visit to Port Talbot and the funeral has taken place. Home is not Sam’s safe place anymore and the hidden weapon isn’t the only reason. His mum is selling the house, grumpy stepdad Ray (registered trademark) is being extraordinarily grumpy and he has a worse day than normal at work.

Unsurprisingly, given that four grand has vanished, his company discover there’s lots of stock gone awol. In a tense stand off, the workers are confronted but nobody owns up and even as lockers are being searched Tom is stealing from under management noses. Now that takes balls. And sells them on for profit. Workmate Cai is caught in the crossfire (a pun, see?) as a doll is found in his locker. Not a sex one, they don’t fit. Apparently. Cai gets the boot but knows Sam is the man responsible. Responsible probably isn’t the word thinking about it. Bribery is the ex-colleagues method of retaliation. 

The police investigation elements are the less appealing thread in episode three and this time it’s played completely separately from Tom though, of course, we now full well the Hedlu will close in. Gina’s mind isn’t on the job, well not the job she’s paid for, as she’s getting her wicked way with the boss at lunchtime. Is she unintentionally sleeping her way to promotion? It would be nice to see Catrin Stewart utilised more so here’s hoping the second half of the series pushes her to the fore and not just because she’s having an affair with a potentially married man. The sibling relationship feels under explored too. 

We learn more of Stevie Rose’s family, his father Douglas in particular and it clouds the water further. There may be a link with two dodgy tattooed guys who make a habit of loitering suspiciously around buildings. It also turns out Russell survived last weeks brutal attack and apart from making eyes at Luke, gives the police no information. He might turn out to be Tom’s unlikely saviour. In the short term at least. The gore was raised a level with the bloody murder of a man named Jason Eastwood. Jason used to work for Stevie and was sacked following a confrontation. We don’t yet know the perpetrators of either the attack or murder but dodgy tattoo guys are high on the list. 

The pace is certainly the slowest of the three offerings so far and is missing the chaotic partnership of Rhys and Mel. Bang shines most when covering the bleak canvas in beauty, both visually and with words. The pay off is worth the build up as Sam and Cai team up to rob a work van in the dark of night. In a botched attempt they only escape by Sam brandishing the gun at the driver. His list of illegal activities grow as he gets darker and more desperate. How long before Gina’s is no longer the nagging sister but the arresting officer? In Cai’s words “tick tock”..  7/10

Bullet points:

• The flashback to grumpy stepdad Ray (TM) being physically aggressive to a younger Sam explains a lot about their dynamic.
• Sam, your Nan’s slippers might hold sentimental value but they really need binning. 
• Cai stole a doll pissing itself and lost his job. Hands up, who’s lost a job for a stupider reason than that?

Liar (Episode 3 review)

It starts with Laura Nielson dreaming but it soon becomes an all too real nightmare by the time the credits roll. She wakes to sounds in her house and is confronted aggressively by Andrew only to then wake up for real. Dreams within a dream are usually a cheap trick but not this time. More of that later..

Maybe, just maybe the way Laura and Andrew are forced into a face to face encounter was a bit forced but as a way of tangling the spider’s web of all the character’s arcs even further it proved effective. Sixteen year old pupil Makeda is pregnant and has wolfed down some pills purchased from the internet in order to lose the baby. Laura sees the bleeding and takes her to hospital but soon learns that Andrew’s son Luke was to be the father. Cue Andrew turning up and a bitter stand off in the corridor. Laura name calling him a “predator” makes sense later. His reply of “I’m not the man you think I am” turns out to be the exact opposite of the truth: He’s not the man everyone else thinks he is. We find out who the real Liar is. There is no one else involved. Andrew did spike the wine. He is the guilty party.

Where last week was all about putting Laura in a bad light, the tables now turn as throughout the course of the hour Andrew Earlham morphs from the perception he shows off to the reality the writer’s were hiding. They made us doubt Laura so much until now and while Froggatt’s performance is purposefully on a level throughout, Gruffudd clearly revels in the two faces he portrays. His charm decaying, increasingly eroded by his arrogance. The nasty underside surfacing in his confrontation with Tom and when he finds out the case has been dropped he becomes downright unbearable. By approaching the detective for a celebratory drink the predator is set loose as soon as it senses freedom.

Hurrah for DI Harmon too, who despite still being frustratingly ineffective is now using that angst for good.  When she looks into Earlham’s eyes and declares “I don’t drink with men who rape women” before the actual reveal, it’s a tense mic drop moment that Liar is built around. The DI also shows up at the school to offer Laura off the record advice, telling her that Andrew could potentially be very dangerous and to stay away from now on. The school hallway isn’t the most discreet of places it must be said. The same thoughts are echoed by sister Katy. Even if Laura does decide to keep a distance the same can’t be said of her attacker who is now set on filing a lawsuit.

The cobweb grows bigger with all the secondary events. Andrew knows about Tom’s affair with Katy, Liam suspects his wife is playing away but is lied to when asking for the truth. If buying concert tickets is this wrong then God help us all. Yes, we do know who the main culprit is but that doesn’t mean the show doesn’t have plenty of potential to explore. We know the truth incredibly early but the proof on just how brave this show is lies in the repercussions that follow. How bitter will things get? Will the truths only ever be known by the viewers? What effect will all this have on Laura?

There has been plenty of worry in many quarters that this could turn into a girl who cried wolf scenario (that is even referenced tonight) and that it would be a dangerous message to send out. Those doubts were understandable but it’s always best to let the story unfold before offering snapshot judgements. As suspected, this is a tale of the injustice of sexual assault victims and the laws that hamper rather than help. The bitter and frankly delusional testament by Denis Walters proves the final barrier for an already helpless police force.

Laura’s mind wasn’t playing tricks to anyone but us. Her dream was right too. She did hear movement in the house while in bed. That bloody earring turns up again, this time on her teddy in the living room. Only one person could have put it there. A man who has invaded her body, mind and now home. A man who wants to inflict further damage on his victim. Time to get #LockEarlhamUp trending.  8/10

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.

Safe House (Series 2, Episode 3 Review)

If Safe House could be summed up by one moment it’s when John Channing mumbles about his kidnapped girlfriend “I did something to try and get her back. I don’t think it worked”. He doesn’t think? To summarise: His bribe for information from the imprisoned Griffin means he now can’t speak at the moment and thus is unable to tell anyone where Julie is. If he even knew at all. Then there’s the small matter of MacBride getting murdered while on a rescue mission he ordered. Oh, and she is still missing. He doesn’t think it worked?! The show’s underwritten, half-hearted core is exposed more than ever tonight.

There is at least an attempt to give the mundane Tom Brook a bit of backstory but sadly it is lifted from the “haunted cop did something bad in past” manual. He attacked Griffin in a windswept location and.. that’s about it. Frankly if he was a mass murderer it wouldn’t make him any more interesting. Though Moyer’s portrayal is lifeless he’s not exactly given much to work with. If the words don’t lift off paper the subject matter will never translate on screen.

In a time when drama is pushing barriers, Safe House offers the same old tried and tested tropes. There’s the retired cop trying to solve an old case, the forlorn wife, the gruff, bitter DI in Olly Vedder to name just three. Their actions speak even louder cliches than any of their uninspiring words. Sam steals confidential information from a police computer, John goes up a ladder of his yard in the pitch blank just after being confronted by a creepy Liam… yadda yadda. You get the gist.

The plot progresses slightly when Tom links empty properties all owned by New Mersey Estates. The man who runs the company is a Roger Lane, the same person who came up in Sam’s quickfire computer search. By lucky coincidence Simon Duke also knows this man having done photos for his brochures. Jason Watkins remains criminally underused so only a big role in the finale will justify the inclusion of such a talented actor.

As for the rescue scene, something that has been three episodes in the making? Vedder smashes the glass of an abandoned building and just walks up to her. No drama, no tension. It just happens. So Julie is safe and sound but nobody seems to have told our John who looks about as excited by her return as a cow walking into an abattoir. Not one to want to hang around with his thankfully alive girlfriend (why would you?) John is asking for a lift home with Tom. To cut a short story shorter, he gets murdered. His still, blood covered corpse providing Ashley Walter’s strongest performance to date.

Liam appears to be prime suspect number one for Channing’s murder and as the scene is intercut with his dad finding a copy of ‘The Crow’ book in his bag, likely to be first in line regarding the villain himself. Or a copycat. Or someone who wants revenge after what happened to his mum. Blah blah blah. The odds are on The Crow being either Liam or Roger with a chance they’re actually working together. Maybe Simon is involved? Who knows? Who cares? At least there’s only one week left. 4/10

 

 

 

 

Doctor Foster (Series 2, Episode 3 Review)

The best dramas will always engross and surprise in equal measure and writer Mike Bartlett does both with aplomb in an episode where everything feels more grounded and realism is to the fore. There are no character decisions that grate, no motivations that make little sense. After last week’s strange happenings this is the biggest compliment going.

Every minute is gripping as the toxicity of Gemma and Simon’s relationship finally meets head on. After suspension from school , Tom heads back to mum’s house with both guardians at his side. Gemma offers her estranged man to stay for dinner but he should have known an offer of any meal with broccoli in is hardly putting forward the hand of friendship. Things get hot in the kitchen like in R Kelly’s ignition and after placing her mobile phone against a bread bin (that rhymes too) the doc strips to her frillies. Even though the filming is spotted they soon take matters to the living room in a session that can be more easily described as hate-fucking rather than love making.

Thank God for Anna who translates what the viewers have been saying for a while now. In a passionate take down of Gemma’s behaviour she says in no uncertain terms that her actions are ruining Tom’s happiness and that there is life away from Simon and more specifically there is life away from Parminster.

At last, the consequences are coming to fruition (bounce bounce bounce). We learn just what effect his parent’s mind games are having. From the anxiety we already knew about, Tom has aggressively forced himself onto his friend Isobel and shown himself up in a public fit of rage. It’s a clarion wake up call and one that not just Gemma needed, but the show needed too. We get an admittance of sorts, where she talks of a love still present. “You miss him as a father, I miss him as a husband. You knew what he was like but you went back anyway. I did the same. It was wrong”.

The layers of Simon’s duplicity are shown in full technicolour. He agrees to work together over Tom but emails the school over a transfer behind Gemma’s back. He conceals the information regarding Isobel from his mother too. He turns his back on a heartbroken Tom once Kate decides she doesn’t want him at their house. Unsurprisingly given his past, he feigns ignorance about the previous nights steamy affair. If only Tom had revealed the truth on that driveway rather than exclaiming “WHAT?!” to his dad’s “We’re married mate, we don’t hide things from each other”.

The proverbial rug is pulled from under our feet. The closing five minutes not only feel like a series finale but finishing touches to the entire show. The truth is there are still one hundred and twenty minutes to go so quite where things go from here is anybody’s guess. The same rules don’t apply anymore. Doctor Foster has gone off the map. We can be fairly sure that though Gemma has left Parminster, Parminster probably hasn’t left Gemma. 10/10

Doctors notes:

• It’s still unclear what Simon told Tom to make him turn on his mum.
• Will Kate find out about the affair and will it be the downfall of Simon?
• It’s still a mystery where Simon and Kate got their wealth from
• James probably wasn’t a plant in the end but his bad taste in jumpers means forgiveness is long off.
• When Gemma was escaping the wedding it just looked like she was scuttling away to go for a pee behind the hedge. It’s exactly this kind of insight you read this blog for isn’t it?
• While leaving a wedding without saying goodbye is rude, it’s not the worst offence committed in the show.

Bang (S4C) – Episode 2 Review

The vicious circle that was forming last week is starting to join and the dots that are now connecting can only lead down one very dark cul de sac indeed. Amid a beautiful setting of crashing waves and steep hills the pace calms down for the intricacies to show themselves but episode two simply feels like the calm before a storm.

The police are swarming the neighbourhood following Sam’s moment of madness and if you’re going to have the police knocking at your door when there’s a gun in your bedroom then it’s probably best that your sister is the officer. Gina is convinced the gun belongs to Rhys and it’s not until his girlfriend Mel is caught dealing drugs that they have an excuse to find out. Rhys himself had seemed to be mellowing following the death of his brother but normal service resums when he headbutts officer Luke during the raid. Safe.

We meet Russell, a tweed sporting country gangster, or rather loan shark who we find out had Sam by the balls four years ago. Metaphorically and literally. Back then grumpy Ray bailed him out and it may explain his current protective (but very rude) attitude towards his stepson. Russell is clearly a man who has pissed off many people in his time and a gruesome attack (by two men whose faces are conspicuous by their absence) soon has him by the balls.

Money is Sam’s prime motivation because he wants stubborn Nan to go private having dismissed herself from hospital following the heart attack. This quest for mula, which forces him to steal and sell on phones from work, is all in vein as her body proves not to be as strong as her willpower and with a spillage of tea is gone. Sad for two reasons, one being that it was a waste of what looked like a good cuppa.

The mood remains constantly bleak but notably very watchable due to a compelling plot unlike, say Rellik, which holds none of those qualities. Where Rellik focuses on one gimmick at the expense of everything else, Bang is a focused crime drama with plenty of legs. 8/10

Bullet points:

• Eating cheesy puffs is now officially a good alibi for murder
• Is Ray’s heart in the right place? What does he hold over Sam?
• Who attacked Russell and what was the motive?
• “Everyone’s card is marked, innit?” How long before Sam’s is dealt?
• With Rhys and Mel both temporarily banged up, will they tell on their neighbour?
• Most youngsters worry about the family finding porn under their bed. Not Sam.

 

Liar (Episode 2 Review)

It’s not often it can be said that ITV are brave and while the vast majority of their programming will always be reality, talent and quiz shows, 2017 has seen them push the envelope of mainstream dramas. Liar is their second series this year where rape is the subject and judging from last weeks viewing figures it is clearly a premise the public can stomach if approached in a sensible way.

The morality of social media is the running theme in week two. From what it’s acceptable to share in a public forum to the hurtful rantings of internet trolls. Family, friends and (to date) 10,000 strangers now all have an opinion but even worse for Laura, the truth of this corners her in a claustrophobic classroom. In a world where the smartphone is king she stands there full of tears preaching the words of J Gatsby stating “I am one of the few honest people I’ve ever known” as Andrew’s son stares with a burning hatred. So its not just private lives affected but work ones too as Andrew signs himself off.

There is only one flashback of the night in question this time and in a candid conversation Andrew reveals he still leaves a key outside his house despite his wife having passed away. This information mixed with an impatience of the police investigation leads Laura to enter his house in search of evidence. The teacher won’t learn her own lesson though and pressures her ex Tom to force a police raid of the suspects house. A bit of artistic licence is needed when an anonymous tip prompts a raid by drugs squad but the suspicious liquid in question turns out to be insulin.

Of course, while the focus is on the two leads, perhaps the real Liar is elsewhere. What if she really believes she was raped by Earlham but wasn’t? What if Tom has something to with it? That certainly could explain why he’s so keen on the police chasing Andrew with such determination. Did Andrew go home in the taxi after consensual sex only to be replaced later that evening by Tom and how would that explain the likely drugging that took place if the ex was involved? Also, how long before he moved out of her house did they last have sex and would his DNA have showed up in the forensics anyway? We are yet to hear about those test results. Is your brain hurting?

While the main arc is setting the screen alight there are times where events idle somewhat. Katy’s home life with Liam is picture perfect on the outside but we already know the lie that will smash its frame to the floor and nor do we know enough about her husband to be invested. Even less convincing is the pairing of DI Harmon and DS Maxwell who are trudging about like the case is over a stolen milk bottle. Vanessa is pregnant apparently though why we are being asked to care is up for debate.

More clothes are put on the bare bones of Laura’s history of mental illness. Andrew receives a call from a man claiming that she has “done something like this before” and he’ll “be damned if I’ll let her ruin some other poor bastard’s life”. In a show which is rooted in suspense, it needs a great finish for the deep long bass notes to end on and we get it here. As he hangs the phone up and looks to the floor in relief, he discovers an earring belonging to his accuser. Cue titles and a much needed wine to cope with the stress of it all. The writing is throwing more accusations at Nielson than Earlham but maybe that’s the point. It could solely be a commentary on how women are judged in situations such as this. Who knows anything except there’s plenty of head messing twists still to come. On second thoughts, cancel the wine. 7/10

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 4

Actual title: The Sins Of The Father

What it should have been named: Duke, I Am Your Father

In a period drama that reflects such a big timespan, historical accuracy is sometimes understandably put to one side but sudden leaps in time can appear like a bolt from the blue. It’s not a complaint to be rushed straight into shots of Victoria sweating and writhing about on a bed (in no way is that image a bad thing) but it’s a surprise to be rushed straight to the birth of her second child which is thankfully an image that wasn’t shown. An excitable Albert declares “Gentleman, we have a prince of Wales?” Everyone is very happy about it. Well, except one person..

The Queen’s post-natal depression is doubled by giving birth to the future betrayer of a nation’s sweetheart (I think that’s right, I’m no monarchy expert but research is too much of an effort). Vic insists “all babies look like frogs to me”

Incredibly not even Albert’s singing can cheer her up.

There was a lot going on but nothing felt like it had much direction. There was an explosion at the Tower and the Queen attended the hospital where the victims lay. She cried but not many of the tears were for the victims. There was the the opening of a tunnel in the Thames and the Queen attended but showed zero interest. Little mugger boy also showed his face briefly and we may have just got to the point of his existence. Aptly for his vague screen time it doesn’t even involve him directly. Miss Skerrett blabbed to her friend about the Palace break in and Lehzen investigates the staff like a dubious Miss Marple (“Ooh Mr Francatelli, what an expensive suit you have on”). The truth comes out and despite being sacked by Victoria, the dress maker ends up with nicer headquarters at the behest of her husband. Was there a point to any of it? Answers on a postcard and send it to Coburg, please.

Speaking of Coburg, this is where the main narrative was. The Prince’s dad carks it while a lady is sat on his lap. All innocent no doubt but Albert visits home for the funeral where Leopald has a revelation that his dad isn’t actually dead for it is him who is actually his father..

Albert frothes at his ‘tache with anger

Literally.

It’s not all doom and gloom. Victoria is given a new puppy as a present and for the first time all episode a smile forms over face. Proof as if it was needed that dogs are better than children.

Lame of thrones

• For all that Brunel achieved in life and all he got here was an extra playing him for two seconds. Television is a cruel mistress.
• Not one mention of Lord M at all, which after everything that happened last week is plain weird. Don’t expect us to invest in stories if you don’t follow them through.
• There are homoerotic undertones underfoot at Buckingham Place and I’m not talking about Mr Penge and his mirror.
• I bet Victoria wouldn’t laugh if Albert pissed the bed
• Yes I know Albert isn’t a duke but what do you want from this blog? Facts or cheap but ultimately nonsensical jokes?