Why Dead Pixels Is Dead Good And Why It Should Be On Channel 4

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It’s irrefutable, scientific fact that a show is good if Charlotte Ritchie is in it. Fresh from her success in.. well, bloody everything, the second series of Dead Pixels arrives to dispel January and Lockdown gloom. Charlotte plays Alison, long suffering housemate to gamer geeks Meg and Nicky. So far, so standard flatshare sitcom? Thankfully, most of the show is spent in an imaginary online world under the guise of a game called Kingdom Scrolls rather than their strangely tidy but dull home. However hard they may try to escape the real world, the truth is that domesticity creeps unrelentingly into their fantasy land. Divided by a wall, they converse (well, bicker) about work and friendships while performing to fish people with man legs or slaying innocent cows. The undercurrent of any tiny bit of sexual tension the pair may have spills over as pixelated dry humping *MAKES CONTINUOUS RETCHING NOISES*

The show’s success isn’t just down to Ritchie though. Writer Jon Brown has an embarrassment of riches on his CV including Mongrels, Peep Show, Fresh Meat and Succession. Here he has used his personal passion for gaming and produced a cynical, filthy love letter to it. As someone who’s last games console was an N64 I confidently predict that you don’t have to worry about the in-jokes. Then there’s Alexa Davies who plays the misguided confidence of Meg beautifully. Will Merrick’s Nicky is an unsuccessful version of James Acaster from a parallel universe. These people are not good at life. It’s questionable if they’re even good at Kingdom Scrolls. Dim-witted dancing playmate Russel (David Mumeni) is definitely bad at both and a permanent but hilarious annoyance. Making up the team is Usman (Sargon Yelda) the pilot who doesn’t fly, offering dubious words of wisdom from his cupboard,

Which begs the question, why is Dead Pixels tucked away on The Big Bang Theory Channel? Some people refer to it as E4. While comparisons to Peep show are understandable this is a unique show that’s lovingly crafted with quickfire writing and strong performances. Promote it. Sell it. Be proud of it. There was critical acclaim for the first run but there is a hollow feeling this won’t find the bigger audience it deserves. Television is a very confused world right now. Some shows go weekly, some shows are put up as a boxset immediately and it is difficult to get the balance right when there is so much content. Look at us. Spooning all this delicious content into our mouths. NOM NOM NOM NOM. Content. Content. Content! If Friday Night Dinner can gain a large following from showing at primetime on a, yes you guessed it, Friday night then so can Dead Pixels. Tuesday nights at 10pm on E4? That’s a bit rubbish isn’t it? TV executives, Meg is scowling at you. Oh no, sorry, that’s just her face.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 8

Actual title: The Luxury Of Conscience

What it should have been named: The End Of Foreboding

And so it comes to pass, the final chapter of the second series is designed to pull at the heartstrings with little concern for historical accuracy. Relationships formed are torn apart and a death is on the cards.

Albert’s war with Lehzen seems a bit out of the blue. Sure, they’ve never got on but I suppose if anything is going to trigger the prince’s ultimatum of “either she leaves or I do” it’s Lehzen’s total disregard for the health of their daughter. Here is unseen footage of the baroness plotting the death of an innocent child..

It turns out alright in the end though because the grim reaper has another appointment this episode and he can’t be in two places at once.

Victoria has to choose between her husband and her slave and so it’s Lehzen that gets the marching orders. Nobody is shedding a tear. Well, the Queen is but there’ll be another servant to fill her horrid, cold boots soon enough.

Drummond and Alfred’s flourishing relationship is put down before its dog has had a run in the park. Drummond is shot protecting his dad outside parliament (a fictional take on proceedings) leaving Alfred understandably heartbroken but unable to grieve in public.

A more legal Bromance ends in tears too. Robert Peel’s determination to repeal the Corn Laws succeeded but it was political suicide.

Peel offers his resignation and that means there will no longer be excitable conversations between him and the Prince about trains. Truly the saddest moment of all in this finale. Other than that, it’s difficult to find sympathy with infighting Tories. Seasons change, fashions change, even aspect ratios on televisions change but the Conservatives will always be self-obsessed bigots and that’s something even a lightweight period drama got down to a tee.

Things look on the up for E(r)nest and his chances of getting into Lady Sutherland’s garments but it’s a good job their tête-à-tête was interrupted as we soon learn that he is not free from his syphilis and that makes him indisposed from sexy pants action.  Even I felt a little sorry for the fella.

It was a dark hour of telly all in all, especially those bloody Mercedes adverts, but there was one ray of sunlight through the clouds. Francatelli and Miss Skerrett are finally courting (as my dad still calls it) and a kiss was caused by what could be the two most Victorian chat up lines yet: “You do make very good tarts” and “would you like to come under my parasol”. Let’s hope that this is a relationship that lasts and that the  dressmaker doesn’t accidentally put a pin in her heart or the chef has a soggy bottom.

A second series is wrapped up and after eight weeks of magically multiplying babies, heartbreak and deaths it’ll be good to have a break and focus on the rubbish stuff that’s going on in our own lives. After it’s refusal to start early on in the series, Victoria finished strongly like a horse on speed at the Cheltenham festival. Speaking of horses, a small one (I believe they’re called ponies) has invaded the palace and is seen as some sort of happy ever after. Sure it is, until it shits everywhere. Perhaps that’s the plot of the Christmas special.

Lame of thrones:

• Why hasn’t Albert punched his dad yet? The poor wall that was on the receiving end did not deserve that.
• There wasn’t enough Vicbert snogging this series. Dear ITV…

Sex, Lies And Videotape: Liar, An Evaluation Of Series One And Where The Show Can Go From Here

Given the raw issues at the heart of Liar, whatever route the show followed, whatever conclusion it landed upon, it was always going to be divisive to some. You can’t please all the people especially when a section of the public still, as the credits rolled, believed Andrew Earlham could still be proved innocent. On the very day the ‘Me Too’ hashtag (a way for women to communicate they’d been victims of sexual abuse and harassment) was storming Twitter, the grim reality of Liar’s message could not have been laid more bare. The scale of a societal problem mostly unspoken covered unsuspecting timelines and with Liar, issues not usually given such public attention flickered out of eight million televisions and laptops.

Did it convey the message it was trying to get across well enough? Mostly, yes. It covered the issue of victims living in fear and embarrassment for the actions of someone else, and showed they blamed themselves partly because the legal system and general public perceptions put those doubts into them.  It showed a limp justice system that was yet another barrier to women coming forward. There has been the argument that the women in Liar were all weak but being battered by a system designed to keep their voices unheard means they’re more tired than weak. Yes, they could all have organised together, spoke up as one and put Andrew away but this is television. While it would be a satisfactory ending of sorts, it wouldn’t be an exciting one. They must have wanted Laura to stand on her own as a main character, to be the odd one out and the one that stood up to her oppressor. They referenced her stubbornness and failure to back down a few times as Andrew himself told her “you’re different”. In a her versus him scenario, and that is what the series was set up as, it makes perfect sense that Laura challenged him as an individual, even when friends and family were telling her to move on.

Just one look through the Twitter comments on Liar suggests there are many who didn’t understand these simple messages. They didn’t trust Laura despite all the evidence staring everyone in the face because she wasn’t a very likeable character. To an extent she wasn’t very endearing but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be sympathy for what she was going through. At the other end of the scale, Andrew’s charm was always enough to convince some of his innocence despite being shown drugging his targets and filming his crimes. What show are these people watching?! It’s the personification of rape culture and exactly why women stay silent. It’s why Earlham’s past victims never came forward in the first place. If you voiced total disregard for Laura’s plight and sympathised with the attacker you are contributing to rape culture. You are building further barriers for truth to break through.

Liar was by no means perfect. The heightened reality element of the break ins  and abductions maybe took away from the ultimate message but to wait six episodes to reveal the culprit would have tiresome so the show needed to go in different directions. On the surface, secondary story lines involving cheating exes and sisters felt a little incidental to the series and in a way they were – to series one. Without us even knowing the writers were expertly plotting the arc for the second run right under our noses. They’ve built up an impressive list of potential murderers while we were preoccupied with bringing Andrew Earlham to justice. The candidates are:

• Laura: After fighting so hard for justice it would seem hard to believe she’d take the law THIS far into her own hands. But she might have been pushed to far by a failed third attempt to get him locked up.
• Katy: Could she have killed Andrew as a perverse way of getting back in her sister’s good books? She’s lost her sibling and her fella so might feel she doesn’t have much to lose.
• Tom: Hates Andrew for being partly responsible for losing his job, hates Andrew for raping Laura (fair enough on that one) and clearly one who doesn’t like playing by the rules. A big contender.
• Luke: Luke had become increasingly frustrated by his dad and looked sketchy as hell when the cops showed up. Does he resent being an alibi in the Laura case and most of all, does he blame Andrew for his mum’s death. Now he really does have an alibi.
• “G.I Jennifer”: She certainly has the skills to dispatch a man’s body somewhere and her hatred for what he did to Vanessa is clearing tearing her up.
• Vanessa: Unlikely as she plays so by the rulebook as a cop. The same can be said for colleague Rory.
• Ian: Why not? His relationship with Laura may be blossoming and seeing effects of the trauma Andrew had on her might trigger an inner madman.
• Mia: Did she know what was in the shed all along? Does that shed also contain suitable murder equipment?
• Or maybe more than one person? A joining of forces? Mix any of the above.

It can be long debated about whether the murder of a rapist is a satisfactory ending but it has certainly been a big talking point. Many have stated how Liar bears no similarities whatsoever to Broadchurch but everything from it’s seaside set Nordic Noir style to the plots prove the comparisons are more than worthy. It’s just doing things the other way round. A rape case in series one rather than the third, a murder whodunnit in the second rather than the first. By all accounts the next run of Liar will be the last which at least slims the chances of iffy courtroom nonsense. In switching the default setting let’s hope Liar doesn’t lose sense of all the important issues it has tried and sometimes succeeded in getting across. It’s a big ask and even even bigger wait as the eta is late 2019. Does it need a second series? Absolutely not. Will the country be watching? Almost certainly.

Liar (Episode 6 Review)

There’s a moment just a few minutes into this finale where the words “three months later” flash up on the screen and it plays like an instant mood killer. Until that point things had been bubbling up nicely. Andrew’s confident facade about not being caught soon fades as he tearfully crawls to his son, begging for an alibi and he dutifully promises to give one. It’s needed as the very next scene Andrew is walking into work only to be confronted by police officers, only for us to be confronted by those three words.

The momentum feels lost. There’s palpable fear that so many questions will remain unanswered. That Andrew has been locked up off screen and the remaining time we have with Laura will be her moving on and getting on with her life, which is great for her but from a dramatic viewpoint, televisual deadwood. We’re transported to a date between Laura and her mysterious man from the Edinburgh hotel and the staples such a meeting that entails, like awkward small talk and gentle flirting. It feels flat but Harry and Jack Williams have thankfully lulled matters into false sense of security. Befitting of his sinister omnipresence, Earlham is spotted outside with another woman and we soon learn that the charges didn’t stick second time round either. While Ian is a gentleman and kisses Laura goodnight before heading to his hotel bed alone, Andrew is using that trademark creepy charm on a lady named Charlotte.

With regards to the side stories, there are some unresolved issues. Katy steals Andrew’s phone from his locker because Laura asks her to but a reconciliation seems far away. That’s not the only thing that’s still up in the air for her. Liam is in their house with her kids and it’s not looking like he wants to give the relationship another chance. These are the little loose ends that don’t really have a conclusion but it’s not a major issue either way because Liar will ultimately be judged on how the Laura versus Andrew story is resolved because that has been the selling point all along.

In the middle of the night, Andrew not only phones Laura but does it while loitering outside her home saying totally unreassuring things like “you sound scared. Don’t be, because if I wanted to have you again don’t you think I could have you whenever I wanted”. But in a rare moment of guard dropping let’s slip his knowledge obscure details about her bedroom, declaring “I play that back whenever I get the chance” about the night in question.  It’s enough to raise the suspicion he has recorded his crimes and Laura returns to undercover police officer mode and that’s why she requires Andrew’s phone from her sister.

In a very sudden twist (considering we were only introduced to her two short scenes ago), Charlotte is actually an over cover police officer and is working on the case against the villain of the piece. The next phase of her plan being a dinner date at his house. What could possibly go wrong? As it turns out, lots could and does. The finale ramps up the tension in spectacular style from this scene onwards as her attempts to take a sample from the wine glass are foiled. At least Laura never gets found out when searching for information by nefarious means. Speaking of which, she has hacked his mobile with help from Tom, the “I’m sorry about shagging your sister” ex-boyfriend. They find a text from his mum’s carer Mia about picking up his things which leads Laura to the shed of iniquity and all the evidence she’s needed is in her hands. There are heart stopping moments hoping she can get out of the house with the goods as we fully expect Earlham to be walking up the garden path as she does so.

After six weeks of allegations and heartache, we finally have the happy ending within our reach. The SD cards are with the police and “the tech guys” have seen evidence of seventeen rapes, which surely isn’t in the job description at Currys. Andrew Earlham is going down and against his consent, which is rather ironic. It’s all too good to be true though as all those previous aerial shots of marshlands take a darker twist as we float from the sky and down towards the cold, seemingly dead body of Andrew Earlham.

Killing off the bad guy could be further commentary on the ineptitude of the criminal process. Had justice not been so slow and surrounded by red tape, Andrew would be behind bars and rightfully suffering for his actions (sadly chopping rapist’s balls off isn’t legal). It also vindicates the extreme actions Laura has undertaken in her quest for the truth to come out. But it also leaves a void where satisfaction should be, not only in the fact that he won’t serving time for his crimes but in the assumption that he had enough remorse and shame to go through with suicide, if indeed that is what happened.  Since the reveal, Earlham has only shown disregard for the law, constant belittling of his victims and a joy at getting away with it. He felt invincible. The man that has been shown to us would take his day in court and get locked up fighting his corner. It seems an about turn that could prove to be genius or a mistake. It sure as heck makes a second series more difficult to imagine unless his eyes burst wide open in the very first scene before shouting “I’M BACK BITCHES!”. Let’s not rule it out, eh? 8/10

hh

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 7

Actual title: The King Over The Water

What it should have been named: The Queen Under The Duvet

Not for the first time, Victoria is subject to assassination attempts and this spurs the royals to seek temporary pastures new. Much like their visit to France, they try to swot up on the local customs. They endure bleak Scottish poetry.

They endure the “beastly instrument” of the bagpipes.

Albert angrily insists it “sounds like the noise a Deer makes when it is being slaughtered” but his wife finds it “rousing”. Or arousing depending on how you blow on it.

The plan of this visit over the border was to escape but King and Queen still find themselves surrounded by security so do a runner deep into the countryside in the style of Mark and Jez in the Quantocks. But on horseback. The cold and mist sets in they chance upon a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Rather than sharing rations of a chocolate bar they get an offer to stay the night. The alternative was freezing themselves into an early coffin.

Exactly Mark, this isn’t southern England. Keep up.

This is the most beautifully shot Victoria to date. The cinematography of the vast Scottish glens is absolutely breathtaking and place Jenna Coleman in shot too and it’s a veritable feast for the eyes.

As for the mystery of what a Scotsman keeps under his kilt, Miss Skerrett almost finds out but for her loyalty to Francatelli, a man who has yet to show the chief dressmaker what’s under his pans. Things are moving a bit quicker for Drummond and Alfred who stroll around the forest half-heartedly looking for the Queen. There are more pressing matters on their mind and it’s not just the trees that have got wood.

They finally get their freak on while overlooking a scenic lake with an orchestra playing. All of our first kisses have been like that though haven’t they? Will it be a case of what happens in Scotland stays in Scotland? Will their love remain unrequited? It’s unlikely to have a happy ending. At least they get the chance to suck on something when Wilhelmina insists they have a go on the bagpipes before returning home.

Matters of the heart still persist between E(a)rnest and Lady Sutherland and assuming his diseased genitals have cleared up, the death of her husband may have left a vacancy for him to..erm.. fill. However, his condolesences are initially brushed away.

But the old charmer is sure to get his wicked way and spread more of his creepy germs.

This penultimate episode was genuinely funny, heart warming and in complete contrast to last week’s heavy tone. When it gets the balance right, Victoria is a light, entertaining romp that’s worthy of the budget. Like last series it has improved towards the end and this may be down to no more secondary stories being set up uncomfortably.

Lame of thrones: 

• Albert: “Safety must come before our inclinations”. Well, if you wore condoms, mate you’d have less children.
• Cooking fish on a fireplace has never had more sexual overtones.
• I want to go round saying “MY FELICITATIONS!” to random people for no good reason at all.
• Who else thought / hoped Jenna was going to get naked in this scene?
  https://twitter.com/emiliastormborn/status/917152683693367297

Doctor Foster (Series 2, Episode 5 Review)

One near attempt at murder, two attempts at suicide (one of those assisted), a kidnap and a child running away. That’s an impressive CV of a finale which will likely disappoint many for the sole reason that everybody gets out alive. As far as we know. Those gearing up for a fatal battle royale between Gemma and Simon were ignoring the heart of what made series two tick. Tom was the epicentre of the storm and by running off, the adverse weather has moved direction.

Simon wasn’t run over which is just as well because Gemma’s, let’s say, pyrrhic victory would have been for nothing. If there is a next series it’d be based in the courtroom and no one wants that. With incredibly fast feet Simon dons Gemma’s stalking capabilities from three episodes back by showing up at the hotel, the house and then a restaurant where his estranged wife and son are eating.  The language is violent and contradictory. There is talk of stabbings and choking one moment and reconciliation the next. Simon’s grovelling is desperate and Bertie Carvel uses it to perfection. You never quite know how much of it is genuine regret or how much is still the mind games of a man who can’t stop lying.

As for the mind, it can do funny things. We get lots of flashbacks to supposed happier times between the Fosters though it’s not stated if this was while he was seeing Kate. The purpose of this is not quite clear. Is it to set up a potential reunion in a severe case of better the devil you know? Is it better to live with the lies than be without them?

In a masterfully shot scene, Simon plays with the traffic but as mother, father and son stand by the road it’s a lottery as to who will get out alive. Gemma wrestles with him by the road and for one moment it looks like Tom wants to run in front of a car to stop all the nonsense. You wouldn’t blame the kid. An agreement is reached, which is potentially the first time that can be said about these two. Gemma agrees to leave drugs in the hotel room for her nemesis to end his life. More impending dread of courtroom scenes flash before us as Gemma’s fingerprints would have been all over the offending stuff AND she left a note of instructions. Talk about leaving a trace.

While trying to kill off her ex-husband there’s a fantastically awkward breakfast where Tom, never one to mince his words says “we’re all just sitting here feeling like shit”. The poor waitress perseveres and at the very least deserved a tip for her troubles. Tears over bacon aside, Simon’s split personality is still in action as truths come out. We get the big reveal of what exactly he told Tom to turn him against his mother. In fact, it’s not a big reveal at all. After all the hype it’s simply mentioned in passing and is an example of how the show balances the epic and the mundane well.

It subverts how you expect everything to play out. The different levels are part of what makes Doctor Foster tick. One moment Gemma is saving Simon from the traffic, next she’s assisting in his suicide and then ultimately talking him out of the suicide she agreed to lend a hand in. It’s bluff after bluff and this shit just got real. The running agenda in this series has been the consequences of actions and the fallout is finally upon us. As a lesson learnt it’s the ultimate act of cruelty writer Mike Bartlett has dished out.

There is a truce of sorts but the great tragedy is that it comes literally minutes too late. As Mr and Mrs Foster leave things on fairly amicable terms (both alive and not swearing at each other) Tom is roaming free having done a runner from the car park. Again, there’s the dread he’s thrown himself onto the road as if taking inspiration from his dad but it’s another false alarm. He leaves a phone message about living his own life: “You’ll never see me again” he promises, “I hate myself”. Words uttered not long before by Simon. Like father like son. Narrating the closing seconds, Gemma states “whatever fight you thought was important now looks so naive” as weeks and months go by without any trace of her son. She even breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the camera which is disconcerting at the least and takes the viewer out of what is a deeply emotional moment. You don’t need to worry about Suranne Jones seeing you eat Pot Noodle while sat in your pants.

It is both a satisfactory end to Doctor Foster and a hint to what’s next. Should there be another series there would need to be a good twist on the standard missing child programmes we’ve had so much of lately. If any show is capable of breathing fresh and somewhat bizarre life into old topics then it’s this one. 9/10

Doctor’s notes:

• At no stage must the two of them get back together romantically. If there is a future for Doctor Foster then there can’t be a future with them as a couple. An uneasy alliance would work though.
• Sian wasn’t a bad sort in the end though it’s always difficult to trust overly smiley people.
• James. Poor James. The glutton for punishment got dumped and should probably count his blessings
• Is Tom at Anna’s new home? Or at least in touch with Anna?
• Will Tom come back to Parminster in two years time with a wife and kid and set about on a vengeful mission to oust his mother from town? If so, does that mean Parminster is stuck in a never ending time loop of insanity? It would explain a lot.

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 6

Actual title: Faith, Hope and Charity

What it should have been named:  Carbs, craps and STD’s

While last week was a jolly jaunt over the sea, a ‘Victoria Abroad’ if you will, the subject matter here is a much more bleak spectacle. The Irish potato famine is no laughing matter and is covered with great sensitivity and a subtle approach not usually associated with the show.

The sort of subtle approach this blog has I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, Robert Peel (who seems to live at Buckingham Palace) speaks of the “time war” to set us up. Hang on, the time war? What if there was some sort of massive button that if pressed can stop people dying of hunger?

Oh wait, it’s the tithe war. Sorry.

Elsewhere in Ireland we meet the Reverend Robert Traill who is battling his own religion and country in trying to get help for the starving. He soon gets an audience with the Queen, the lucky bastard.

Peel won’t budge from his usual stubborn mindset and when Victoria tells him to “come with me” and storms off to the bedroom he probably thought he was well in there. Sadly it just turned out that she wanted to guilt trip the Prime Minister into helping the Irish. He takes a little persuading by stating that “principles are a luxury” which made me wonder if the man was a surprising fan of two album noise makers Kinesis.

Alas, the chances are unlikley because the band formed in the year 2000, long after Peel’s death. Though what if he had access to some sort of box that could travel through time?

Tonight is all about doing the right thing. Francatelli offers his expensive swag to Miss Cleary so she can send money back to her family in Ireland. Victoria offers help too and even Peel stands up for his principles in parliament. And looks very smug about it. As the stats acknowledge at the end in a moving funeral scene, it was nowhere near enough.

Albert was not initially concerned with the lack of food of people in a different country and much more interested in food after it’s been digested by the people living in his country. It’s the circle of life.

The Palace was built on a sewer system apparently (make your own jokes) and installing new thrones with flushing capabilities is his piss de resistance.

Hygiene is less of an issue for E(a)rnest who pops up like a bad rash again. Ironic given he’s caught something nasty off one of his conquests. It’s not all bad news though as the husband of his lost love, the Lady of Sutherland has died in a freak accident. This paves the way for him to get his wicked way with the woman of his dreams at last. Just as long as he has a wash first. And wears protection.

Faith, Hope and Charity felt like the most cohesive work of the run to date and shows just what Victoria as a show is capable of when remaining focused. Not an easy watch by any stretch of the imagination but it deftly translated a time of huge human suffering onto the screen AND had a toilet joke.

Lame of thrones:

• Was anyone else expecting Ted Hastings to pop up and mumble about bent coppers?
• Is the Skerrett / Francatelli love story over and done with? They don’t seem that bothered by each other anymore.
• I can’t get that bloody Elton John song out of my head now.

 

 

Safe House (Series 2, Episode 4 Review)

Safe House lives up its title in a finale that plays it so bland it makes Shredded Wheat exciting in comparison. Safety first is the order of the day but even worse is the contempt in which the viewers are treated. If writing has the guts and imagination to follow through on everything it sets up, to answer the questions it’s had had the nerve to want to be asked, then any faults will remain niggles rather than a banging your head against a wall sort of frustration. Safe House has a San Andrea sized fault running through the carpets. It constantly disregarded the premises set out. Most of the things that happened in the first three episodes were meaningless and of no consequence, the actions of character’s weren’t explained or vaguely logical. Threads were unfurled and left dangling.

The villain here was never going to be Roger Lane as he was only introduced in the penultimate episode and the fingers were so blatantly pointing at Liam come the credits it was unlikely to be him either. But in making Simon The Crow it makes a mockery of a series that was a shambles already. What was Simon’s motivation? We’re fed a sudden back story at the dinner table as Liam says that his dad used to get very angry with his mum and if you hadn’t guessed already, it was then clear who the traitor was. This is at odds with the ideal of The Crow making the men suffer. Why would he kidnap his own wife if that’s the case? To make his son suffer? He didn’t have an affair with his wife. Though it would have been a plot twist! Did Simon kill MacBride? Did he kill John? If he did, the premise being that he took Liam away from him to Manchester because.. that’s a reason to kill? Also, pushing someone down a ladder confuses The Crow mythology more. Jason Watkins makes sinister and creepy at the reveal and is frankly the only one giving the script more power than it deserves.

There’s so much more left unanswered that you wonder if they binned the last four episodes in the writer’s room and went to the pub instead? What happened to Griffin after he got attacked and did he still have some sort link to the murders? What on earth was that John and Dani kissing stuff all about? Add to that, we never even saw a glimpse of Julie and her daughter in the finale so we didn’t see their reaction to his death (throwing a party presumably). Three episodes built around a family that are discarded at the last moment is insulting an audience that is asked to care. Then there is Tom’s fling with Elizabeth which had been signposted more than a Wonderbra campaign in the nineties. He admits to Sam they had a one year fling but it doesn’t seem much of an issue as he answers his phone mid confession. Was John going out with Sam at the time or was it before? Anyone? Dervla Kirwan must have fancied a cold holiday as she was only in about four scenes.

If TV shows could win awards for ending a series with unsatisfactory nonsense then the mantelpiece in this safe house would be chock-full. You can question plenty of the closing twenty minutes so here goes: Why did Simon bring his gun to the safe house, pretty much waving it under a cop’s nose. Not just any cop’s nose either, the one that has been chasing you for years. Why didn’t Liam go straight to Tom? All the evidence was there. In another deviation from The Crow’s past, Simon seems to have disposed of Sam’s body (dead or alive) rather than locking her up. Here’s the thing – we don’t know do we? Anything. As Brook wrestles mad Duke in the world’s worst wet t-shirt contest the series is over and what strives to be an epic cliff hanger is simply the act of a programme drowning in it’s own unsavoury fluids.

Cast and script changes have clearly had a big affect on a project that looked low on confidence. Ironically for a show so slow moving it might have been the battle against the clock to get everything up to scratch after all the production problems and this more than shows on screen. It’s already had a second breath of life but a third will be prolonging the misery. If Sam is alive she’ll stay locked up somewhere and this house on the rugged North Wales coast should get a change of locks, be boarded up and condemned. 2/10

 

Doctor Foster (Series 2, Episode 4 Review)

In Doctor Foster, even when expecting the unexpected you can still be confounded to a point where dizziness takes over. That applies more than ever in a penultimate episode crammed with paranoia. In a change of tact to its standard structure we see the same morning from two different perspectives and at last Jodie Comer is given the chance to shine as Kate. She rightfully gets a chance to be the headline act.

Kate opens a hand delivered letter containing the tie Simon left after the  and it injects more doubts on top of the ones that were clearly already there. It’s a game changer to be allowed a look into the window of a relationship we’ve only ever seen glimpses of through Gemma’s eyes. Kate is led on a which hunt through the plants of Carly, Sian and Anna, the latter leaving loads of notes around the Doctor’s property with the address of her hotel on them. It’s a convoluted plot to ambush Kate that backfires on the surface but the seeds have still been sown.

In a scene that brilliantly echoes Gemma’s first confrontation with Simon about the affair back in series one, Kate challenges him with fire in her heart: “Work out the consequence of lying and the consequences of telling the truth”. Simon’s silence is longer and more painful than before and the tension palpable as another lie is expected to froth from his lips. Instead he tells the truth and his pathetic squirming sets toes curling “Seconds into it I started thinking of you, your body’s better, the things you can do with it.. you smell better, you’re kinder. I get much more pleasure from you in every way. Starting sex with her was driven by lust, yes but finishing it was politeness”. It brings a weird moment of hilarity but still can’t cut the tension. Once a pathological liar always a pathological liar.

Kate returns to the hotel and is lectured on her husband’s obsession with the ex-wife. From dress sense, wedding vows and.. er.. food” Gemma wins her over by saying “His taste is me”. It may be tenuous to some but it’s perfectly understandable that she is won over by this. It serves to amplify Kates’s earlier “I’m here!” as her husband looked through her and talked only of his former lover. Never could it have been predicted that the women in Simon’s life would end up as an uneasy alliance. While all these new revelations are true let’s not forget that Gemma is also obsessed. People in glass houses and all that.

What of poor Tom? The story that grounds everything in reality. Captive in a hotel room and sobbing in a touching moment as mum washes his hair. He is still a kid and the most damaged out of everyone. What Simon said about his mother is still a mystery and is one of two key points the whole series is hanging on. The second is Simon’s grand declaration that he’ll only leave in a coffin. Someone might leave in a wooden box but it could be anyone.

Simon’s life, like the man himself is an entire lie. He has no money in the house, the business isn’t his, even his satchel isn’t his own. The clothes he stood in would have been stripped off were it not for public decency.  Chris Parks is literally every viewer as he rages “It was made very clear to you from the beginning that all this, this whole life is my daughters and you get to live in it while she’s happy. The moment she’s not it snaps back” then happily exclaiming “and here it is FUCKING SNAPPING! HAPPY DAY!” It’s punch the air satisfying. Mr nasty has lost his house, business, wife and child and only two of those were his anyway. As Gemma rolls up to survey the wreckage there’s an incredibly powerful contrast. Simon kicks and punches her car but she sits there stony faced. Almost numb. Her victory tasting somewhat bitter. For a moment there it almost looked like she was softening. That is until she speeds the car at him. Normal service resumed. Kind of.

As drama goes it can’t get more riveting than this. Doctor Foster is a kitchen sink drama with cinematic ambition. It’s a pulse quickening, mouth opening extravaganza of madness. So mouth opening you too could inelegantly shove pasta in your gob IF you could take your eyes off the screen that is. Like last week this felt like a series finale so it’s a guarantee the stakes will be raised even further than all that’s gone before. Murder? Suicide? A happy ending? Nah, Just joking about the last one. 10/10

Doctor’s notes

• it was obvious Kate wanted out the moment see stared with contempt at Simon wolfing down pasta.
• A vibrator in someone’s drawer isn’t a sign of a bad sex life. Just saying
• Even Simon looked embarrassed as he said “love you” down the phone. And he was alone.
• Whatever the removal company is called we need to know because those guys are damn good at their jobs.
• Did Simon put the GPS on Gemma’s phone?
• Why would Gemma run over the man she has just claimed “victory” over? All that she’s worked for would be over in an instant.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.