Peaky Blinders: Black Cats (Series 5, Episode 2 Review)

“YOU MIGHT HEAR SOME BANGS‘

Tommy has been standing on landmines since the war, mostly metaphorically, but in quite possibly the most stunning opening seven minutes of a TV show ever he does it for real. For as long as we’ve known him he’s always thought of himself as a dead man walking and this provides the perfect visual metaphor. He stands before his scarecrow self which is hung on a cross, millimeters from being scattered across the field like compost. Stylistically the direction and atmosphere has a poetry to it  Amid all this drama the only sound is the foreboding bluster of the wind in the distance. Until Tommy goes full suicide bomber that is and we hear those bangs. Boy, do we hear them. As he says shortly after, “It’s pretty dark Frances”. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Meanwhile Michael is apprehended on his way back and held in Belfast by the Occupied Six Counties who report that he has betrayed his family. His eventual return is met with a magnificent standoff in the street and is followed by a bruising non physical showdown with Tommy and Arthur in the bar. Cillian Murphy saying so much in his performance when saying so little. His words undercut by mixed messages. “Ok Michael, I believe you” he deadpans before demanding his money back. He giveth then taketh away. Michael and Tommy squaring up are heart skipping moments and give the show a new kind of edge. Let’s face it, this show has always had edge.

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An intriguing turn this year is the younger generation starting to stand up for themselves. “General Finn” too is getting his say even if that say is ignored. “I’ve met this girl and want to get married” he declares proudly, “Fuck off!” responds Arthur. Classic bants. The dialogue is even zippier this series and that is quite an achievement given all that’s gone before.

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Lizzie and Linda are also taking on the Peaky patriarchy but their letters of intent fall on flat ears , or burning coals to be precise. They are dismissed but no moment was crueller than Tommy telling his wife “In my head I still pay for it”. He definitely deserved the gun pointed at him.

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We meet the Billy Boys. We know they’re the Billy Boys because they politely introduce themselves (“Did you not hear my song?!”) They’re a Protestant razor gang and they surprise Aberama Gold’s picnic, not to steal the sausages, but to kill his son Bonnie and tie him to a cross. It’s gruesome and as Gold lies in a pool of his own tears his life is spared purely to pass a message on to you know who…

—

Narcism and paranoia are the driving force behind Tommy now. He states “I am the revolution” and that “Someone wants my crown” This is no longer about family. This is about status and ego. Michael, Lizzie, Linda, Aberama, the Billy Boys and probably the whole of Ireland are in his sights. Apologies if anyone was left out, it’s difficult to keep up. Everything is falling apart from the inside while the hunters outside prowl. Let’s enjoy the fireworks because the bangs are set to get even louder.

—

A LITTLE PEAK

– In a rare moment of vulnerability Tommy told Arthur “I don’t like the fucking life” with tiredness writ large over his face. The human inside is trying to come out.

– We got another glimpse of Oswald Mosley who was met with Ada’s typical offishness. He is being held back for now.

– Here’s betting The Garrison doesn’t serve Guinness.

– “How can a one armed man avenge the death of his son?” Hand grenade? Knife? Angry glove puppet? The possibilities are vast.

Years And Years (Episode 2 Review)

So it turns out the world hasn’t ended which is a good job because the last five episodes of dead air might have been a tough watch for even the most hardened TV obsessive. After such a dramatic finale last week the mood is naturally rather subdued but on screen this post adrenaline slump comes across too. We have moved a year forward and only a few thousand people died in the nuclear attack (phew) so Edith is positively glowing (with radiation) as she returns to England. Mood wise she’s grumpy and fed up with activism but a shortened lifespan will do that to you.

We knew of her return in a strange move a week ago when she showed up in the ‘next time’ reel, somewhat ruining the dramatic conclusion and that’s how episode two feels. It’s the difficult second episode. That’s not to say anything is particularly bad here, it just doesn’t live up to the hype it has built for itself.

In a world of technology and impending political doom, Russell T. Davies is going for the emotional jugular. He’s finding the human in the inhumane. Not that there’s much humanity in Celeste but it’s difficult not to feel a modicum of sympathy for her as daughter Bethany becomes a walking phone (a literal mobile?) and gets closer to the cloud than a Ryanair flight.  Part machine and part human, Bethany is Robocop for the digital age. But without the weapons. Or armour. Or police status. So not like Robocop at all really so forget that analogy. The point is, bar an imprint on her wrist she looks normal when she is anything but. She walks among us. The insanity of it fits in comfortably into day to day life.

Daniel is now happy with Viktor after the refugee romp (registered trademark) but we know full well that such positivity was never going to last long. His bitter and still boring ex reports Viktor to the authorities for having a glamorous petrol station job and their unity is torn apart. Even this, the poignant epicentre of the sixty minutes falls flat. Daniel doesn’t seem too alarmed and Viktor has the aura of a man who’s been upgraded to a posh suite at the Ritz. Of course it is early stages and it’ll be interesting to see how the issue is handled.

Meanwhile Viv Rook is continuing her takeover of the media by staring into every single camera. Seriously, politicians don’t do that. Not in 2019 anyway. In a well observed hustings she grasps victory from the jaws of defeat. When her own policies don’t stand up to scrutiny and affective debate beats her she resorts to sloganeering and soundbites. The blink device, used to turn off everyone’s phones is a masterstroke and so too are Rosie’s conflicted attitudes towards the politician. From dismissal, to undecided, to getting a selfie. The cult of personality is winning over the tedium of policies.

Immigration, Climate change and right at the very end, banks are the main focuses. In a reference to the financial collapse of 2007 Stephen loses his money but he’s not alone. The streets are flooded with angry customers and perhaps the streets is where some of them may remain. There is plenty going on in Years and Years with copious avenues to explore but it felt like a hangover from that synthetic alcohol the Lyons experimented with. Last week was an induced high but this was the duvet day that follows.

The Cry (Episode 2 Review)

If time is just a construct then so too is patience and The Cry tested both to their limits in its second episode. It’s frustrating that after such a dramatic conclusion to last week we’re guided through the first half an hour in a typical whodunnit fashion. All effort is made to make Alexandra look like the culprit between the court proceedings in Glasgow and Peter, a police officer who not only looks reluctant to question her also arranges a secret meeting with Alistair. It’s not exactly a subtle narrative in a show that so far has tried to bewilder and confound. The trouble is that for thirty minutes the story doesn’t progress. There are some little ambiguous moments such as Alex cutting up his passport and her knowing looks to his mother.

This show should be better than vague nods and knowing winks and it’s a relief when it proves this in the second half but dear God, it felt like a journey to get there, more so than that bloody flight to Australia. Joanna having a fake social media account is intriguing, to say the least. Is it a case of morbid curiosity or something altogether more sinister? The novel way in which the comments on her feed were read out by people in the same room was an effective touch.

The first staggering moment comes when Alistair takes his work into his relationship, spin doctoring his wife in how to act for the press. “The world wants to see your pain. They want to see a good mother crushed” he says coldly and those aren’t exactly the words of a compassionate husband. He comes across even more controlling and unhinged with each scene. He’s the Antipodean equivalent of Alistair Campbell. Never trust men named Alistair is the real moral to this story. Maybe more worrying was Joanna’s response of “Am I a victim?”

Suddenly the drama tap has been turned on and it’s pouring revelations. Alex is arrested as a result of potentially stalking behaviour but ironically for an episode that didn’t cover much ground we leave it at the exact same point we were at sixty minutes ago – but with a twist. Noah was never in the baby seat and as Joanna counts over the credits a nation spits out their collective drinks in shock and puzzlement.

So what is there to go on? We don’t see baby Noah after the flight and we now know the day he disappeared. Did they accidentally over medicate Noah on the plane? More specifically, was it Alistair who gave a fatal dose considering he was the one holding the baby as Jo slept? The argument on the road that we see a slight glimpse of through the eyes of a truck driver is clearly very important. They had been talking of an incoming storm on the radio and that fight, when we finally get to see it, might be the epicentre.

While there are questions, where the heck is the CCTV from the shop’s car park? We have seen Joanna through one such camera and we’ve not heard a thing about it. Or was that simply a mistake by the director? More than one person has to be in on it. Whatever it is. Are they all involved? Answers on a postcard but the series will have ended by the time it gets here.

Peaky Blinders: Series 4, Episode 2 Review

“We’re all cursed”

Never has a bare backside been involved in such an intense montage before but what with all the tears , blood and bodies, the opening stages are so bleak that at least some will get cheer from the view of Cillian Murphy’s arse. To be fair, it’s not all doom and gloom. John is deader than Arthur’s social skills but at least Michael survived the shooting.

“An eye for an eye. It’s called a vandetta”

Bar a deserting Esme, the gang is back together around the Small Heath table. Finn is now able to take his place there while Polly grimaces fiercely at Tommy again. They take a vote, and we all know how votes go in this country. Five vote for peace and two for opt for a truce and that equals the reformation of an uneasy alliance. John’s funeral is immediately its first test.

The location is so public they’re “sitting ducks” and Tommy is in the line of fire before the intervention of a Aberama Gold, a gypsy with little or no moral compass. He may be protecting the Small Heath clan for now but at what cost? Naturally, using a family member’s burning body as a trap doesn’t go down too well with Aunt Pol. There was no vote either, but we’ve had enough of referendums so there. Despite the openness of the scene it’s expertly claustrophobic. The uneasy feeling that things are about to go tits up at any moment is a hallmark of the show but the threat feels so much greater now.

“When you’re dead already – you’re free”

In an episode full of compromises, John promises to go to Australia with Polly once all this has blown over (they may even grab a pint at The Winchester en route if time allows). From the hospital bed he offers advice which works like a tin of spinach does to Popeye. It’s good to have the mean aunt back on form and frankly the Blinders are going to need her more than ever.

It might all sound horrid but there are also strong elements of comedy, not just in the form of Johnny Dogs trying to cook but in plenty of droll one liners. It’s walking the fine line between dark and light perfectly. It’s a serious business but maybe the writers have the confidence to not take it so seriously and it’s benefitting the show greatly. Peaky Blinders still has its set notable traits that it falls back on but the only time it veers towards self parody is whenever Tommy saunters through the factory as flames blaze around him.

“Do you have a whistle? If so, blow it”

While the family have drawn a friendship circle, Tommy would not be Tommy if he wasn’t making fresh adversaries. He takes on Mr Gold’s boy as a boxer but it merely looks like a case of keeping his enemies closer. Then there is Jessie Eden, who makes real of her threat to start a walkout and the factory is soon empty, bar two well dressed gentlemen that is..

“None of you will survive”

No opponent will be a match for the mafia who are “an organisation of a different dimension”. For the second week in a row, Tommy’s security is sidestepped with ease and a showdown with the man himself, Luca Changretta ensues. In a not so subtle metaphor, the big hatted evil one names individual bullets after each of the Shelbys, like a children’s game gone rogue. He flicks “John” down and informs Tommy that he will be the very last target, so he has to watch and suffer the loss of his entire family. It’s brutal but engrossing. Tommy is now the underdog so what better incentive is there to stay tuned? Will the dog be put down or will his bite be bigger than his bark? 9/10

Bang (S4C) – Episode 2 Review

The vicious circle that was forming last week is starting to join and the dots that are now connecting can only lead down one very dark cul de sac indeed. Amid a beautiful setting of crashing waves and steep hills the pace calms down for the intricacies to show themselves but episode two simply feels like the calm before a storm.

The police are swarming the neighbourhood following Sam’s moment of madness and if you’re going to have the police knocking at your door when there’s a gun in your bedroom then it’s probably best that your sister is the officer. Gina is convinced the gun belongs to Rhys and it’s not until his girlfriend Mel is caught dealing drugs that they have an excuse to find out. Rhys himself had seemed to be mellowing following the death of his brother but normal service resums when he headbutts officer Luke during the raid. Safe.

We meet Russell, a tweed sporting country gangster, or rather loan shark who we find out had Sam by the balls four years ago. Metaphorically and literally. Back then grumpy Ray bailed him out and it may explain his current protective (but very rude) attitude towards his stepson. Russell is clearly a man who has pissed off many people in his time and a gruesome attack (by two men whose faces are conspicuous by their absence) soon has him by the balls.

Money is Sam’s prime motivation because he wants stubborn Nan to go private having dismissed herself from hospital following the heart attack. This quest for mula, which forces him to steal and sell on phones from work, is all in vein as her body proves not to be as strong as her willpower and with a spillage of tea is gone. Sad for two reasons, one being that it was a waste of what looked like a good cuppa.

The mood remains constantly bleak but notably very watchable due to a compelling plot unlike, say Rellik, which holds none of those qualities. Where Rellik focuses on one gimmick at the expense of everything else, Bang is a focused crime drama with plenty of legs. 8/10

Bullet points:

• Eating cheesy puffs is now officially a good alibi for murder
• Is Ray’s heart in the right place? What does he hold over Sam?
• Who attacked Russell and what was the motive?
• “Everyone’s card is marked, innit?” How long before Sam’s is dealt?
• With Rhys and Mel both temporarily banged up, will they tell on their neighbour?
• Most youngsters worry about the family finding porn under their bed. Not Sam.

 

Liar (Episode 2 Review)

It’s not often it can be said that ITV are brave and while the vast majority of their programming will always be reality, talent and quiz shows, 2017 has seen them push the envelope of mainstream dramas. Liar is their second series this year where rape is the subject and judging from last weeks viewing figures it is clearly a premise the public can stomach if approached in a sensible way.

The morality of social media is the running theme in week two. From what it’s acceptable to share in a public forum to the hurtful rantings of internet trolls. Family, friends and (to date) 10,000 strangers now all have an opinion but even worse for Laura, the truth of this corners her in a claustrophobic classroom. In a world where the smartphone is king she stands there full of tears preaching the words of J Gatsby stating “I am one of the few honest people I’ve ever known” as Andrew’s son stares with a burning hatred. So its not just private lives affected but work ones too as Andrew signs himself off.

There is only one flashback of the night in question this time and in a candid conversation Andrew reveals he still leaves a key outside his house despite his wife having passed away. This information mixed with an impatience of the police investigation leads Laura to enter his house in search of evidence. The teacher won’t learn her own lesson though and pressures her ex Tom to force a police raid of the suspects house. A bit of artistic licence is needed when an anonymous tip prompts a raid by drugs squad but the suspicious liquid in question turns out to be insulin.

Of course, while the focus is on the two leads, perhaps the real Liar is elsewhere. What if she really believes she was raped by Earlham but wasn’t? What if Tom has something to with it? That certainly could explain why he’s so keen on the police chasing Andrew with such determination. Did Andrew go home in the taxi after consensual sex only to be replaced later that evening by Tom and how would that explain the likely drugging that took place if the ex was involved? Also, how long before he moved out of her house did they last have sex and would his DNA have showed up in the forensics anyway? We are yet to hear about those test results. Is your brain hurting?

While the main arc is setting the screen alight there are times where events idle somewhat. Katy’s home life with Liam is picture perfect on the outside but we already know the lie that will smash its frame to the floor and nor do we know enough about her husband to be invested. Even less convincing is the pairing of DI Harmon and DS Maxwell who are trudging about like the case is over a stolen milk bottle. Vanessa is pregnant apparently though why we are being asked to care is up for debate.

More clothes are put on the bare bones of Laura’s history of mental illness. Andrew receives a call from a man claiming that she has “done something like this before” and he’ll “be damned if I’ll let her ruin some other poor bastard’s life”. In a show which is rooted in suspense, it needs a great finish for the deep long bass notes to end on and we get it here. As he hangs the phone up and looks to the floor in relief, he discovers an earring belonging to his accuser. Cue titles and a much needed wine to cope with the stress of it all. The writing is throwing more accusations at Nielson than Earlham but maybe that’s the point. It could solely be a commentary on how women are judged in situations such as this. Who knows anything except there’s plenty of head messing twists still to come. On second thoughts, cancel the wine. 7/10

 

 

 

Safe House (Series 2, Episode 2 Review)

The title sequence is all Line of Duty but by the time the credits roll there’s a sense not enough lines have been written or duty carried out. Safe House broods with a whimper and even though the story is becoming more intricate, can’t elevate itself higher than a hour of slightly watchable, throwaway television. The police interrogations are lifted straight from The Bill and the plot devices smash together uncomfortably.

The rugged coast of North Wales is no match for Ashley Walter’s coarse performance as John Channing. Here he is in standard growling mode and still looking unfazed by the whole scenario. We must remember his girlfriend has been kidnapped because there’s no hint of it with this screen persona. John is also bribing a man named MacBride to get The Crow beaten up in prison for information and then there is the small matter that he’s having a fling with said girlfriend’s daughter Dani (Sacha Parkinson). Yes, that really happened and it was the only double take moment all night. Parkinson is one of the few standouts so far, along with Zoe Tapper’s forlorn wife Sam. It’s just a shame Tapper is playing second fiddle to Moyer’s constant grimace.

We are introduced to Dervla Kirwan’s Elizabeth, police head honcho and one of the main players in Tom leaving the force over the Crow case. While he claims his departure was due to “politics” there is now a hint that Brook and Elizabeth may have been reading each other’s rights while naked. Is this where the young bushy eyebrowed Craig and his inappropriate maneuvers come into play? Will Sam be tempted by his desperation to spite her fella?

More promising is the creepiness of Simon’s son Liam. His mum was killed by The Crow so it would seem odd to be recreating the tent-like structure used by the person who took his one of his parents away. An increasing temper point to him being a potential copycat killer or worse , the original killer in the first place. The theory has red herring written all over it.

We see the outline of the man holding Julie captive but that doesn’t mean that it’s the same person that kidnapped her in the first place. As she wriggles herself free from the chair a saviour arrives in the form of MacBride but it’s a only a sniff of freedom as the man shaped outline now has a gun to its shadow and with a shot it looks like the hero is now a zero (I.e. dead). While the show is never as gripping as it thinks it is, the real suspense to Safe House lies in finding out if John Channing will ever express any form of emotion. If he does then that will be the biggest twist of them all. 5/10

 

 

Doctor Foster (Series 2, Episode 2 Review)

What comes up must come down and after last weeks’s stunning cliffhanger, Doctor Foster drunkenly stumbles under the weight of it’s own hype. More to the point. Gemma spends most of the first forty minutes plodding about as she spies on her child in a plotline that has an uneasy edge. Despite all the previous craziness,  episode two somehow stretches the bizarre beyond a mark the show has set itself. First she’s skulking around Tom’s school and then tracking him down to his mysterious appointment at the surgery. By night she finds herself standing in the pitch black of his friend’s garden, looking at him through the window and in a drink-induced state sups wine in his living room. If that wasn’t weird enough, the Doc returns to Simon’s house and stares into her child’s bedroom. It feels all a bit laboured and doesn’t move the story on significantly. Until now we’ve been rooting for Gemma no matter how mad her actions but is this a deliberate attempt to sway the public’s support away from our leading lady?

There is great stuff around all the the stalking weirdness and the best moments supply plenty of intrigue. We get to know the prim and proper Sian (Sian Brookes) a lot more. As the wine flows at dinner the new co-worker drops her personal guard and morals regarding patient confidentiality. Gemma seems to be gaining a rare friend but we learn Sian has a connection to Simon (as everyone seems to) and has been acting as a mole reporting back her movements. Mouth movements rather than bowel hopefully.

Former conquest Neil is sent on a mission for Team Gemma so he too acts as a mole. A randy mole. As the drinks flow (if nothing else, this programme acts as a good anti-alcohol campaign) Neil easily extracts information from his target but Simon sees through it all, offering nothing but lies and pushes an attractive women into Neil’s eyeline knowing he’s as easily distracted as a Meerkat on heat. By the morning he is without a burrow because Anna unceremoniously kicks him out. Simon should just wear a t-shirt with ‘Marriage Wrecker’ written on it.

So to Simon then. Is there the possibility that the character is turning into a caricature? Does his constant evil intent and smugness render him the equivalent of a pantomime villain? In series one we saw his wrong doings from a distance, things were all from Gemma’s narrative but with the show is now a straight out battle of wills between the two we are seeing a side that was hidden from us before. For now it’s worth offering the benefit of doubt but Simon, as well as the show needs to tone down things slightly.

Trust is a major theme throughout and in James , Gemma may finally have bumped into the right man at the wrong time. For the second week in a row she’s dragging him into a place he doesn’t want to be and this time it’s the toilets of a grotty club but he’s a gentleman and rebukes her advances. Next morning the smoothie even shows up at her house with breakfast, bless him. Things start to take a weird turn here (obviously, you’ve seen the show right?). No matter what Gemma says or does he is unswerving in his dedication. His liking for her could be classed as way too full on and his bright smitten eyes might be hiding something very dark. Has he been sent by Simon as well? If so then he must be enjoying the mission because he ends up in bed with her in what is quite an awkward bedroom scene. There’s no romantic music or dimly lit niceness, Gemma goes on top in front of a massive mirror. It’s a moment that brings to mind words Simon uttered when sharing intimate details about his ex wife. The two scenes together hint she might be a narcissist of the cerebral type while Simon displays somatic narcissism. Something to ponder.. and then ignore.

We find out that Tom might have anxiety. What are the chance, eh? In the closing stages he is suspended from school and we have to wait a week to find out if he chooses to go home with Mum or Dad. If he’s any common sense he’ll find a bloody refuge instead. This may have been the weakest episode to date but there are so may thrills and spills to come it’s impossible to stop watching – albeit through our hands. 6/10

Doctor’s notes

• There is no way Gemma has forgiven Sian. No way
• And was the fish actually any good or not? If we’re questioning this no wonder the main plot is sending us mad
• Neil is both a Mole and a Meerkat. Or a Molecat? Meermole?
• Is Kate having an affair? Would you hang round in your dressing gown kissing your Godfather? Be honest. Maybe Kate’s having an affair with her Godfather? The way things are going lets not rule anything out.

TV Review: Apple Tree Yard, Episode 2 (BBC1)

“There are no more refuges for me, no places of safety”

If last week was all about the fantasy then episode two serves as heavy doses of reality crashing to the floor. Yvonne goes from flaunting it in public spaces to hiding in her own home. The tone shifts drastically to one of creeping suspense and the music almost has a hammer horror feel as the tension builds. The world starts falling around Yvonne. Her husband admits to cheating,  their bipolar son is distant, she looks set to quit the job in order to stay away from her attacker but unfortunately  George Selway can’t stay away from her. He stalks the streets she walks and the house she lives.

The flashbacks of the rape do feel unnecessary. It’s repainting a garish picture we’ve already seen and don’t need to keep seeing. The act of rape doesn’t need to be repeated with stylish editing to for us to get the message that its harrowing. That aside, it’s good to hear the harshness, and in places somewhat unjust aspects of the legal system laid bare. If she wants to go to the police, she’s told that every aspect of her private life would be examined. Her marriage, online activities, sexual interests and any extra marital activities which, of course would implicate ‘X’. Or Mark Costley as we now know him.

There’s not much in the way of light relief but for a visit to a dinner party at the house of friend Marcia. The host goes on a diatribe about certain girls claiming rape to be liars. Naturally it’s a subject that jars and Yvonne responds firmly with “It’s bad enough men peddling crap like that without women making it worse” before giving the worlds’s worst apology. “I’m sorry, you’re lovely. And your house is lovely and you give lovely dinner parties and everything in your world is lovely so you don’t really have the imagination to see what it’s like when bad things happen, just randomly. Great torrents of shit descending on ordinary people. So you’re looking for whose to blame because that’s less scary than facing up to the fact that awful things can happen, even to someone as lovely as you”. It’s a “HELL YEAH” moment similar to that famous Doctor Foster scene. She really was a Wolf tonight! Better than being eaten by one for sure.

By the end 007 wants to come to the rescue. They conspire to take the creepy grin off Selway’s face but where Yvonne assumes it’s going to be a jolly good talking to and some stern finger wagging, it seems our fake Bond has other ideas. We don’t see or hear what happens in the house but it’s highly likely Mark shouted “No Mr Selway, I want you to die!” Probably. 8/10

Blind Alleys

Mark seemed a lot less sinister this week, coming across as compassionate and genuinely in love with Yvonne.

Though compassion may be out the window if his definition of “free style” is murder.

Maybe Costley was just handing over some takeout to Selway’s house? Perhaps his big secret is that he really works for Deliveroo?

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 2

The lines between fact and fiction are always blurred when it comes to committing life stories to the screen. We all know that Lord Melbourne was in his sixties and not as aesthetically pleasing as women of a certain age find Rufus Sewell. We know too, that the actual Queen Victoria bares no resemblance to Jenna Coleman, a woman who has formed a million crushes in men and women of all ages. But hey, this isn’t Dead Ringers and as Poldark has proved, we like a bit of eye candy on a Sunday night before the drudgery of the working week ahead. Where things get blurred however, are in the story being woven by the pen of Daisy Goodwin. History recounts that Lord M’s relationship to his Queen was nothing more than fatherly but artistic license is at play here. What we have now is a will they/won’t they (they won’t) saga at the highest echelons of British society. Think of it as an episode of Made In Chelsea without the word ‘like’at the end of every sentence.

The Queen is all big eyes and heaving.. collar bones in the direction of her Prime Minister but her youthful heart gets broken as he announces he’s to step down due to his anti slavery bill only just winning in parliament. The Duke Of Wellington turns down her political advances and she turns down those of Sir Robert Peel. Due to her household being made up of Whig ministers..

No, not that type of wig, Peel demands she loses some of them in the name of political equality. Her stubborn nature is to the fore as she huffs “What ever next? Lose my dresses too?” Erm. Yes please.

Oh well. Worth a try.

Scurrying about in the background of the episode are a load of rats that spread from the kitchen to the rest of the house in unison with the plotting of Conroy and Cumberland. Their nefarious plan to remove Victoria from the throne on the grounds of insanity may seem a little far fetched but just think about attitudes to mental health now yet alone back then. They couldn’t even Wikipedia this stuff. Artistic licence means that during the unveiling of the Queen’s birthday cake, the rodent infestation takes over the baked goods in scenes capable of putting an end to Mary Berry’s heart

THERE’S A RAT IN THE PALACE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? Actually there’s quite a few of them and it turns out that scream is the answer. For most, this is a perfectly natural response but this is the fuel needed for the dastardly duos case for insanity.

Episode two suited the hour running time much more (well, 45 minutes) as the first show seemed to drag. While the main story seems a little one dimensional, there is a real grace and style to the programme. There are little pockets of back stories but nothing that is very diverting. It is essentially the Jenna and Rufus show and everyone else is respectfully playing second fiddle. Here’s the thing, I really did quite enjoy this and I’m surprised that I felt so engrossed. It could be partly down to the magnificence of the incidental music. It is beautiful and sweeps you along for the ride, even if you’re not sure you want to be on that ride in the first place.

I have a confession: My name’s Michael and I really enjoyed an episode of a period drama.

Lame of thrones

It’s also worth praising the theme tune too. While it is haunting and a little bit creepy there’s something really affecting about it.

“I have no chin in this one and two chins in the next. I look like a Goose wearing a crown” A little sly comment about the Instagram filter generation there?

Will the mum stop moaning about the title of Queen mother? You are the Queen’s mother, ergo you don’t need a title to name what you already are. Bloody royals and their vanity.

Jenna perv count

Wet Jenna in the rain. Mmm.. wet Jenna.

“This crown is so heavy and far too big for me. I thought it might slip down over my nose in the Abbey”. I’d love to slide down that nose. Wait, what? Moving on..

That posh accent. I’m a whore for a posh accent.

On that, why is her saying “Mama” so hot? I need to see a psychotherapist.