Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 4

Actual title: The Sins Of The Father

What it should have been named: Duke, I Am Your Father

In a period drama that reflects such a big timespan, historical accuracy is sometimes understandably put to one side but sudden leaps in time can appear like a bolt from the blue. It’s not a complaint to be rushed straight into shots of Victoria sweating and writhing about on a bed (in no way is that image a bad thing) but it’s a surprise to be rushed straight to the birth of her second child which is thankfully an image that wasn’t shown. An excitable Albert declares “Gentleman, we have a prince of Wales?” Everyone is very happy about it. Well, except one person..

The Queen’s post-natal depression is doubled by giving birth to the future betrayer of a nation’s sweetheart (I think that’s right, I’m no monarchy expert but research is too much of an effort). Vic insists “all babies look like frogs to me”

Incredibly not even Albert’s singing can cheer her up.

There was a lot going on but nothing felt like it had much direction. There was an explosion at the Tower and the Queen attended the hospital where the victims lay. She cried but not many of the tears were for the victims. There was the the opening of a tunnel in the Thames and the Queen attended but showed zero interest. Little mugger boy also showed his face briefly and we may have just got to the point of his existence. Aptly for his vague screen time it doesn’t even involve him directly. Miss Skerrett blabbed to her friend about the Palace break in and Lehzen investigates the staff like a dubious Miss Marple (“Ooh Mr Francatelli, what an expensive suit you have on”). The truth comes out and despite being sacked by Victoria, the dress maker ends up with nicer headquarters at the behest of her husband. Was there a point to any of it? Answers on a postcard and send it to Coburg, please.

Speaking of Coburg, this is where the main narrative was. The Prince’s dad carks it while a lady is sat on his lap. All innocent no doubt but Albert visits home for the funeral where Leopald has a revelation that his dad isn’t actually dead for it is him who is actually his father..

Albert frothes at his ‘tache with anger

Literally.

It’s not all doom and gloom. Victoria is given a new puppy as a present and for the first time all episode a smile forms over face. Proof as if it was needed that dogs are better than children.

Lame of thrones

• For all that Brunel achieved in life and all he got here was an extra playing him for two seconds. Television is a cruel mistress.
• Not one mention of Lord M at all, which after everything that happened last week is plain weird. Don’t expect us to invest in stories if you don’t follow them through.
• There are homoerotic undertones underfoot at Buckingham Place and I’m not talking about Mr Penge and his mirror.
• I bet Victoria wouldn’t laugh if Albert pissed the bed
• Yes I know Albert isn’t a duke but what do you want from this blog? Facts or cheap but ultimately nonsensical jokes?

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 1

 

Actual title: A Soldier’s Daughter

What it should have been named: Albert’s Helmet Needs A Good Plumbing

So here we go again, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about the Victoria media machine is that whatever happens in the series that follows will never surpass the opening press day. Why? Because of this:

Yes. Three different versions of Jenna in one day. Well, the same Jenna looking flipping incredible and worthy of a title higher than mere Queen. As such, August 24th is now declared ‘National Jenna Day’. I have spoken and so it must be shall.

 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Victoria is back. We return to Buckingham Place to find our Queen struggling to fathom her own motherly instincts, determined to carry on as normal by riding horses to jaunty music and shooting Albert smouldering evil glares. Understandably so this time as she soon finds out that her moustachioed hero is hiding a big secret from her. British soldiers are in trouble in Afghanistan and not wanting to worry his wife, he decides to keep it secret. Victoria soon takes up the duties everyone insists she can’t do. Like looking at some letters, moaning about the food and insulting Albert. The Prince is convinced the soldier’s uniform is problematic to the whole fighting aspect of their duty…

.. but her put down of “I don’t give a frig about your helmets” might be the most hurtful innuendo committed to telly. Tail between his legs, Albert takes to sorting out his plumbing. Or the palaces. Or both.

The issue of Victoria’s reluctant motherhood is handled deftly without any grandstanding and in a show not too keen on subtlety it is a refreshing touch. The attitude is typically British. Her stiff upper lip buckles when everyone around her talks about the pitter-patter of future imaginary feet. “What my country needs right now is a Queen – not a brood mare”. To be fair, it ended up with both. Another blunt dismissal follows at the need to be “purified” in church for her “sins” and it is sweetly done. Her sins being that she got jiggy with it.

The feminist narrative that underlines a lot of the show may be clunky but it comes from a good and truthful place so can be forgiven.

 

In the depths of the Palace, problems are brewing like a bad kettle in the kitchen. The new soup polluting chef is wielding knives at the staff as well as the vegetables when a maid is “caught red handed in the pantry with a loaf in her hand”. A quote perfect for ‘Ye Olde Bake Off’ should a commissioner be reading this. Worse still, his menu tastes fouler than Victorian bath water so Miss Skerrett (who has been promoted to chief dress maker) is sent crawling back to Francatelli but her metaphorical bum licking doesn’t work and his broken heart lashes out. Maybe actual bum licking would have worked?

By the end, our tiny leader stands on Trafalger (the boat not the square) and delivers a rousing and incredibly posh sounding speech to inspire her country despite thousands of soldiers perishing at the Kyhber Pass. Unfortunately “I think the fighting spirit of this country is more important than plumbing” was reserved just for her husband rather than her public. In a twist everyone was expecting, Francatelli is back in the kitchen without as much as an explanation. Or did he receive the bum licking and it ended up on the cutting room floor? Still, the deleted scenes will be an interesting watch now.

Series one grew in confidence and found a good rhythm between history and comedy but ‘A Soldier’s Daughter’ feels a backward step. The introduction of the Duchess of Buccleuch provides some light relief and the chemistry between the two leads sparkles as ever but that’s the thing with babies isn’t it? They ruin everything*

*Apparently

Lame of thrones

• Prince E(a)rnest is back with his stock emotions of giving good brotherly advice and wanting to get his end away with a married lady
• Speaking of brothers, kind of, the bromance between Albert and the PM is getting so serious they’ll be sorting each other’s plumbing out soon.
• “I’m sorry I was rude about your helmets. They really are very practical”. Imagine the outtakes
• Lord M returns next week. Cue a nation of sighing women and indifferent men

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 8

 

Every good series finale needs its fair share of impending doom and the vultures are circling Victoria. There is the deep worry that she may die in childbirth and added to that are Lord Cumberland’s unsubtle threats about the Queen’s downfall. It is a fantastically pantomime performance from Peter Firth who scowls more than he did in all series of Spooks combined. Of course, we know that she will not come in harm’s way so it is a credit to Daisy Goodwin that the tension is ramped up enough to be an entertaining hour of television. Forget all that famous recorded history stuff and just go with the flow.

While the letters from weirdo Queen fanboy Captain Childers was clumsily introduced mere minutes before his rant at the monarch (perhaps we could have had the scene where Lehzen bins his post last week?) it combines well with Cumberland’s desire for the throne. It turns out the assassination attempt was by Mr Oxford, a member of the Young England society which sound like they were an old school, working class version of UKIP without the lunch and travel expenses. However, it is the Queen’s ultimate fanboy Albert who heroically carries her from the cart and to safety. Suspicions that Cumberland gave the orders to pull the trigger reign and Oxford looks set to escape with a plea of insanity, leading Victoria to fear a life of incarceration due to safety fears. You could say SHE. WANTS. TO. BREAK. FREEEEE

Victoria’s strength shines through and she soon picks herself up to face the public again but her greatest moment comes when verbally destroying Cumberland.

Meanwhile, Ernest saunters back into the palace to cheer up his brother and maybe cheer up his downstairs mix up too. He again makes his intentions clear to Lady Sutherland, “If you had married a different kind of man. One who thought about you every moment you were apart. One who saw the way the curls fell on your neck in his dreams…” Ooh, Ernest. That even gave me shivers you old rogue you. Despite the lovelorn glances and steamy kisses, they do what they feel is right and leave it at that. With only a lock of her hair to show for his endeavours he walks away from her room with his unused tail between his legs. You sense he might be stroking that every single night. The lock of hair that is. Stop it with your dirty minds.

More romantic toing and froing  with Nancy and  Francatelli, who is going to new food based pastures and wants Nancy at his side. Alas, she decides she may be better off living in a grand palace. Funny that. True to form, for a story that’s been clumsily bubbling under the surface for weeks, it fizzled out on a whimper. It used up a lot of screen time that could have been assigned to the more meatier plots. That reminds me Mr chef, could you do us up a bacon sarnie before you go? There’s a good chap.

While there isn’t a happy ending for everyone else, Victoria and Albert are at one with child as the credits roll and its rather refreshing to end things on a positive note. Jenna Coleman has been “a revelation” to some but then she’s bloody great so why are people surprised? Her innocence and attitude have been perfectly channelled into this tiny ball of wonder. As for Tom Hughes, the show went from strength to strength with his introduction and while the make believe romance with Lord Melbourne was a charming distraction, the real love of Vicbert is much more affecting. So there you have it, my initial cynicism waned with every episode and I’d be probably be watching the next series even if Jenna wasn’t in it. I can’t pay Daisy Goodwin a higher compliment than that.

Lame of thrones

Albert really does have a sense of humour and it turns out he likes bad puns. That is the best kind of humour.

“A palace this size can never have too many teaspoons”. Nobody tell Uri Geller.

The scenes with Mr Oxford confirmed something I’ve been thinking these last few weeks: Victoria is like a glossy Ripper Street. Glossy Street. Glossingham Palace.

Jenna perv count

Tom Hughes got to kiss Jenna’s nose AND be paid for it. This is a mixture of emotions for me as it is my ultimate life goal but the seething jealousy is strong.

Hopes for series two

I really hope we get more commentary of the Victorian era away from just the Monarchy’s point of view.

Cut out the CGI or get better CGI. I was not amused.

A full on, disgustingly graphic sex scene between Vic and Albert. Something that’ll offend Sainsbury’s so much that they stop doing those bloody adverts during the show.

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 7

It’s not often you’d find me offering sympathy to members of the monarchy but the spectacle of having to sit through endless tiresome performances and trying to feign interest is a fate worse than Charles becoming King. In fact, our current head of state has entirely given up any pretence by scowling and the public still seem to love her anyway.”I am bilious quickly!” Victoria says as she runs from the room to be “indisposed from the mouth”. The music wasn’t THAT bad. Of course, it turns out she’s pregnant. Constant shagging without contraception tends to do that.

Not one to stay at home and take it easy, Victoria and Albert go away for a couple of days because they can. Butlins must have been fully booked that weekend so instead they visit the Giffords to wine and dine in the country. and shoot some birds in the process. That doesn’t happen in Minehead.  Victoria’s early plea of “don’t talk railway at me” backfires when Robert Peel turns up and bonds with the Prince over trains and a passionate belief that they are the future. Albert scurries away in secret for a dirty day out (the coal gets everywhere) with the future Prime Minister and is even more a fanboy of the train than Simon Pegg is about Star Wars.

After another mini argument, Vicbert get things back on track when Vic takes a ride on the steam train herself and it’s fair too say she loved it almost as much as Bert did.

There might not have been the same excitement if they’d ever had to endure another Southern Rail strike or taste the poor quality of over priced sandwiches on their buffet carts but let us enjoy such naive enthusiasm for now.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Skerrett and Francatelli are bonding over food and soon invent the ‘Bombe Surprise’ but we are still waiting for their romance to truly explode. Will we finally see them lick each other’s spoons next week? That’s probably considered second base in Victorian times.

The show has grown in confidence as the series has progressed and it really feels like it’s found its true identity now. Sadly we only have one episode left but I’m more than pleased that the tone has become more historical and this has been achieved with plenty of laughs. A lot of the improvement lies in the relationship between the Queen and Prince. It is both fiery and cute and there is so much fun interplay between the two. Vicbert rules OK. Literally.

Lame of thrones

Victoria: “Albert doesn’t know how to talk. He doesn’t know how to dissemble”

“The sagging cleft of power” Eeew

Albert’s knowledge of Carlisle was almost as impressive as his love of trains.

Victoria: “Contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually scared of Tories” You should be ma’am.

FYI, there is nothing wrong with beetroot. But then I am a peasant.

EXCLUSIVE: Never seen before selfie by Sir Robert Peel.

Jenna perv count

“You are going to look at my body and be revolted. I know it”. Never, Vic. NEVER.

Albert looking at a steam train: “It is the most magnificent thing I have ever seen”. Mate, THIS IS YOUR WIFE…

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 6

There must be something funny in the water at Buckingham Palace this week for Victoria has descended into pure comedy with lots of hot snogging. The two main reasons why I’m really starting to love this show.

Poor Albert is struggling in his new position this week, well some positions he’s clearly good at but when it comes to his status within the monarchy and his grip of British eccentricities? There he struggles. He’s a lost soul reduced to blotting letters. “How delightful” indeed.  When he huffs that “the dogs wear jewellery, the piano’s are out of tune and all people talk about is the weather” it is a great moment. His misfortune is our joy. From how to pronounce Leicester to the ways of the muffin man..

.. it’s all alien to him. All the plaudits go to Tom Hughes whose performance of this frosty, seemingly cold man has gradually won us over with a mix of comedy and dramatic presence. Albert is a man of strong principles and he steps in to make a speech on the slave trade where Victoria herself feels she can’t because of its political nature. His speech goes down a storm and victory is his for once.

As for our Queen, her screen time is overshadowed by her husband this week but there’s still some great moments. She manipulates the Duke of Sussex into changing tradition for the benefit of her man but he’s not exactly ecstatic about it. Unsurprisingly. More notable is her approach to contraception. In a bid to keep at it like rabbits on poppers, Victoria takes some advice from Lehzen. Not giving away any spoilers but Dash the dog saw it all and was like..

So, are the sub plots getting anywhere ? Hand on heart I don’t have a scooby what’s going on between Miss Skerrett and the chef bloke. Not a scooby.  Maybe he’s not as sinister as he first seemed? Who knows. Hey, as he’s a chef  I guess you could say he serves up some

Or not. Meanwhile Ernest is trying to charm the married Lady Sutherland with a game of archery. Which is both dangerous and open to all sorts of stupid cupid puns. But as soon as he makes his intentions clear he says goodbye to the palace and shoots off back to Germany faster than you can say “archer’s paradox”. In truth it seems a  bit of a damp squib but at least he’s not going to get all stalky and creepy which is a good thing. Yet.

From Victoria’s dubious attempt at going incognito to Albert’s general lost puppy vibe, this was a wonderfully funny episode that touched on a serious issue too. Perhaps the strongest of the series. They’ve got me, I’ve been taken in. I’m now a fully paid up member of the VicBert occult. God save me Queen.

Lame of thrones

“They laugh at my accent, I’ve seen the cartons where I’m drawn as a sausage”. Welcome to Britain Albert, welcome to Britain.

Francatelli: “I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I’m in my sugar work” Is that what they called it in those days?  I hope he washes his hands before making the dinner.

To be fair to the Prince, it does look like Ly-sester

Sorry, Lord.. who?

Jenna perv count

In modern parlance, Jenna was “a precious cinnamon roll” for the whole episode. No, I don’t get it either.

In fact, she was just cute as flip.

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 5

 

First and foremost, let’s get some admin out of the way. I know my army of admirers  are chomping at the bit for reviews of episodes three and four (er.. well two people asked).  I haven’t been able to do them these last couple of weeks but fear not you two, I will retrospectively review them when I get time which means I’ll have to watch even more Jenna. The things I do for you, eh? Before the series races.. or plods over the finishing line I considered it wise to get up to date. So..

If curious looking shrubs aren’t your speciality then don’t worry, you will still find something of interest in the show that is unexpectedly beating Poldark in the ratings. Its success can be put down to a number of things: The lavish production and Jenna’s impossibly sexy nose are clearly high on the list but ultimately it is the romance that has won Britain’s heart. While Ross broods moodily at Demelza, Victoria is now gazing lovingly at a man that isn’t Lord M. Period drama AND romance? Britain loves that kind of shizzle.

After a sneaky snog in the garden area (not a euphemism), the personal politics starts  all over again. Albert wants a title and £50,000 a year so not to feel like Victoria’s servant (I’ll take that job if it’s going thanks) but the privy council despise her choice of partner because not only is he German but he also has a Catholic relative. The scandal. There is a more lighthearted feel this week and many great lines. “What is wrong with being German? If you go back far enough my entire family is German” Victoria protests to a calm Melbourne who retorts “public opinion is not known for its logic ma’am”. The M-meister is on form again when she claims “At least I know Albert doesn’t have any secrets”. His nonchalant “No, well that usually comes later ma’am..” is cutting but polite. Tonight we said goodbye to our favourite Whig and it was a little bit heartbreaking. He kisses a farewell to the Queen on her cheek and the tension between the two is still palpable.

While on a visit back to his homeland, Albert is taken for a jolly day out by his brother Ernest.. to a brothel. Sure, we’ve all been to a brothel with our brother, right? No? You’ve clearly not lived. Ernest has good intentions though bless him, he wants his virgin brother to gain “experience”. Last present I got my brother was a CD. Different times I suppose. Albert reluctantly chooses a lady of the night but the love for his wife to be proves too strong and he chooses not to sleep with her. Strangely though, he asks her to write down instructions on how to be good at sexy time. Diagrams would’ve been handy, no?

Back at Buckingham Palace, on learning that her father had a mistress, our Queen is getting paranoid about Albert’s intentions. She believes that he wants the money to look after his bit on the side but she doesn’t know that he’s not even interested in his bit on a plate. It does play well with the naivety of her age because it is easy to forget that she is eighteen and new to all this. Naturally they sort it all out in their own little way and the wedding is still go. But we’re not really interested in that are we? We want to cut to the wedding night and it does so pretty swiftly. Victoria waits nervously on her bed, frillies on, waiting for Albert to come through her door (sorry). When she asked him if he wanted any Madeira I wasn’t the only one thinking..

And why not? It might give the boy some stamina. They look at each other, kiss lots and it’s quite hot to be honest but typically the credits roll and we will never know if he suffered from a case of premature hierarchy or not.

An entertaining episode for sure but it still can’t disguise certain flaws. Away from the main thread there is still nothing going on in the secondary story lines that is of any interest. Penge has a love interest and that creepy guy is hassling the palace staff but it’s all very bland. As for the romance between Vic and Al, it feels decidedly hurried especially after we had three episodes of ‘Vicbourne’ and by the end of Albert’s second he has taken her up the aisle. Off camera probably. Nobody needs to see that. My biggest concern lies in the depiction of Victoria herself. Why is she being solely defined by the men in her life? We’ve had five hours of smitten puppy dog eyes and sighing which is fine by me because.. ya know.. but what about her achievements away from her love interests? I hope the series explores other dimensions to her as a person but remain cynical about it happening.

Lame of Thrones

The oddest choice for an opening shot this week with a CGI image of a palace that looked like a painting. They then cut to them outside a palace that was real. Why not just do an exterior shot of the actual palace? It adds a sense of unreality that is not in keeping with the show.

I really fancy some Madeira cake right now

Jenna perv count

Victoria: “Do you find me much changed?” Albert’s internal monolgue: * Well, your boobs look a lot bigger ma’am*

The director that keeps getting Jenna to roll around on the bed while reading letters deserves a pay rise. And a BAFTA. Somebody make a GIF of this and quick.

More wet Jenna. This time in a bath.

Albert: “The only person I want to please is you” Victoria’s internal monolugue: *SQUEEEEEEEEEE*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 2

The lines between fact and fiction are always blurred when it comes to committing life stories to the screen. We all know that Lord Melbourne was in his sixties and not as aesthetically pleasing as women of a certain age find Rufus Sewell. We know too, that the actual Queen Victoria bares no resemblance to Jenna Coleman, a woman who has formed a million crushes in men and women of all ages. But hey, this isn’t Dead Ringers and as Poldark has proved, we like a bit of eye candy on a Sunday night before the drudgery of the working week ahead. Where things get blurred however, are in the story being woven by the pen of Daisy Goodwin. History recounts that Lord M’s relationship to his Queen was nothing more than fatherly but artistic license is at play here. What we have now is a will they/won’t they (they won’t) saga at the highest echelons of British society. Think of it as an episode of Made In Chelsea without the word ‘like’at the end of every sentence.

The Queen is all big eyes and heaving.. collar bones in the direction of her Prime Minister but her youthful heart gets broken as he announces he’s to step down due to his anti slavery bill only just winning in parliament. The Duke Of Wellington turns down her political advances and she turns down those of Sir Robert Peel. Due to her household being made up of Whig ministers..

No, not that type of wig, Peel demands she loses some of them in the name of political equality. Her stubborn nature is to the fore as she huffs “What ever next? Lose my dresses too?” Erm. Yes please.

Oh well. Worth a try.

Scurrying about in the background of the episode are a load of rats that spread from the kitchen to the rest of the house in unison with the plotting of Conroy and Cumberland. Their nefarious plan to remove Victoria from the throne on the grounds of insanity may seem a little far fetched but just think about attitudes to mental health now yet alone back then. They couldn’t even Wikipedia this stuff. Artistic licence means that during the unveiling of the Queen’s birthday cake, the rodent infestation takes over the baked goods in scenes capable of putting an end to Mary Berry’s heart

THERE’S A RAT IN THE PALACE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? Actually there’s quite a few of them and it turns out that scream is the answer. For most, this is a perfectly natural response but this is the fuel needed for the dastardly duos case for insanity.

Episode two suited the hour running time much more (well, 45 minutes) as the first show seemed to drag. While the main story seems a little one dimensional, there is a real grace and style to the programme. There are little pockets of back stories but nothing that is very diverting. It is essentially the Jenna and Rufus show and everyone else is respectfully playing second fiddle. Here’s the thing, I really did quite enjoy this and I’m surprised that I felt so engrossed. It could be partly down to the magnificence of the incidental music. It is beautiful and sweeps you along for the ride, even if you’re not sure you want to be on that ride in the first place.

I have a confession: My name’s Michael and I really enjoyed an episode of a period drama.

Lame of thrones

It’s also worth praising the theme tune too. While it is haunting and a little bit creepy there’s something really affecting about it.

“I have no chin in this one and two chins in the next. I look like a Goose wearing a crown” A little sly comment about the Instagram filter generation there?

Will the mum stop moaning about the title of Queen mother? You are the Queen’s mother, ergo you don’t need a title to name what you already are. Bloody royals and their vanity.

Jenna perv count

Wet Jenna in the rain. Mmm.. wet Jenna.

“This crown is so heavy and far too big for me. I thought it might slip down over my nose in the Abbey”. I’d love to slide down that nose. Wait, what? Moving on..

That posh accent. I’m a whore for a posh accent.

On that, why is her saying “Mama” so hot? I need to see a psychotherapist.

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 1

The days are still warm and the sun is still in the sky for a decent amount of the day and yet the TV schedulers are insistent on counting us down to Christmas already. The X Factor is back, the Strictly line up has been revealed and the BBC and ITV will not just be competing on Saturday nights for, as of next week, the comforting aura of their biggest period dramas will do battle. Victoria will win on my television for two reasons: Jenna Coleman is in it and I found Poldark insanely dull. To be honest, I wouldn’t be watching it at all if there was no Jenna. I admit it, I’m a total fanboy. Yes, yes, I fancy the flip out of her but there is honestly more to it than that. She’s progressing as an actress more and more and right now she has the world at her feet, and those feet will definitely reach. Here’s the catch though: I have a profound hatred for period dramas and cannot abide the monarchy and all they stand for. True story – I once didn’t turn up to school purely because the Queen was visiting. Which at least gave me an excuse rather than my normal one of “I can’t be arsed”. As such, I went into this with a strong sense of foreboding. So my plan was to try and keep an open mind but as you’ll find out, those principles were not easy to stick to.

First things first, it looks stunning. The opening sequences are are cinematic tour of Kensington Palace as the news filters through that Victoria is to be Queen. There’s lots of intense staring from Jenna which is a tad over the top. Her blue contact lenses giving a way too good impression of a Synth from Channel 4’s Humans. Sadly, I know for a fact you can’t order a Jenna to live in your house and serve your every need… because I’ve tried. The long startled looks must be a result of the director shouting “ACT WITH YOUR EYES! Show no emotion with the rest of your face!”

Once she gets to cut free from gawping at something clearly amazing (and a little confusing) just off camera, Jenna is in full stride. Perfectly blending a mix of sweet,  childlike eighteen year old and the ruthless ambition that’s bubbling under. Let’s hope we see much more of this.

Now, believe it or not there’s more to this show than Jenna.. er, I mean Victoria. The cast is certainly strong. Rufus Sewell plays Prime Minister Lord Melbourne whose missus cheated on him with Lord Byron. I think that’s right. I don’t particularly care. I was too unwittingly distracted by his.. erm groinal area. Thank God David Cameron never wore trousers that tight. Anyway, he and Victoria grow closer as the posh bitching commences behind their backs. Which brings us to the ballroom scene. Yes, the one you’ve seen a thousand times before in every other period drama ever. They do care to dance and the guy gets jealous when the woman he wants is dancing with another man. Naturally in the background everyone is muttering on with fevered brows about the state of the relationship.  Goodness, what a scandal etc etc

It’s clear ITV are putting out the first two episodes this week to get a head start over Poldark, to get viewers involved but I sense topless Aidan Turner will win the ratings over not topless Jenna. A lot of love and devotion has gone into Victoria and visually it jumps from the screen. On the whole, the performances are strong but there are some hammy characters too. It feels predictable but then that’s probably what people want from Sunday night telly. I didn’t hate it which is a victory in itself but will I become a monarchist by the finale? ..

Lame of thrones:

“Papa! Papa!” At times I wondered  whether we had been duped into watching one big budget, movie length Renault advert.

Speaking of adverts. There were way too many. And not one for Renault if I recall correctly.

Beeswax candle consumption. That was when things got really interesting.

Lady Flora, who nobody could believe wasn’t butter,  wasn’t even better either because she died.

The green screen shots felt like you were really there.. standing at a green screen that is. Let’s just say they left a lot to be desired.

Did Jenna actually kiss a dog on the mouth? Jeez, you can go off someone..

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