Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 7

Actual title: The King Over The Water

What it should have been named: The Queen Under The Duvet

Not for the first time, Victoria is subject to assassination attempts and this spurs the royals to seek temporary pastures new. Much like their visit to France, they try to swot up on the local customs. They endure bleak Scottish poetry.

They endure the “beastly instrument” of the bagpipes.

Albert angrily insists it “sounds like the noise a Deer makes when it is being slaughtered” but his wife finds it “rousing”. Or arousing depending on how you blow on it.

The plan of this visit over the border was to escape but King and Queen still find themselves surrounded by security so do a runner deep into the countryside in the style of Mark and Jez in the Quantocks. But on horseback. The cold and mist sets in they chance upon a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Rather than sharing rations of a chocolate bar they get an offer to stay the night. The alternative was freezing themselves into an early coffin.

Exactly Mark, this isn’t southern England. Keep up.

This is the most beautifully shot Victoria to date. The cinematography of the vast Scottish glens is absolutely breathtaking and place Jenna Coleman in shot too and it’s a veritable feast for the eyes.

As for the mystery of what a Scotsman keeps under his kilt, Miss Skerrett almost finds out but for her loyalty to Francatelli, a man who has yet to show the chief dressmaker what’s under his pans. Things are moving a bit quicker for Drummond and Alfred who stroll around the forest half-heartedly looking for the Queen. There are more pressing matters on their mind and it’s not just the trees that have got wood.

They finally get their freak on while overlooking a scenic lake with an orchestra playing. All of our first kisses have been like that though haven’t they? Will it be a case of what happens in Scotland stays in Scotland? Will their love remain unrequited? It’s unlikely to have a happy ending. At least they get the chance to suck on something when Wilhelmina insists they have a go on the bagpipes before returning home.

Matters of the heart still persist between E(a)rnest and Lady Sutherland and assuming his diseased genitals have cleared up, the death of her husband may have left a vacancy for him to..erm.. fill. However, his condolesences are initially brushed away.

But the old charmer is sure to get his wicked way and spread more of his creepy germs.

This penultimate episode was genuinely funny, heart warming and in complete contrast to last week’s heavy tone. When it gets the balance right, Victoria is a light, entertaining romp that’s worthy of the budget. Like last series it has improved towards the end and this may be down to no more secondary stories being set up uncomfortably.

Lame of thrones: 

• Albert: “Safety must come before our inclinations”. Well, if you wore condoms, mate you’d have less children.
• Cooking fish on a fireplace has never had more sexual overtones.
• I want to go round saying “MY FELICITATIONS!” to random people for no good reason at all.
• Who else thought / hoped Jenna was going to get naked in this scene?
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Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 6

Actual title: Faith, Hope and Charity

What it should have been named:  Carbs, craps and STD’s

While last week was a jolly jaunt over the sea, a ‘Victoria Abroad’ if you will, the subject matter here is a much more bleak spectacle. The Irish potato famine is no laughing matter and is covered with great sensitivity and a subtle approach not usually associated with the show.

The sort of subtle approach this blog has I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, Robert Peel (who seems to live at Buckingham Palace) speaks of the “time war” to set us up. Hang on, the time war? What if there was some sort of massive button that if pressed can stop people dying of hunger?

Oh wait, it’s the tithe war. Sorry.

Elsewhere in Ireland we meet the Reverend Robert Traill who is battling his own religion and country in trying to get help for the starving. He soon gets an audience with the Queen, the lucky bastard.

Peel won’t budge from his usual stubborn mindset and when Victoria tells him to “come with me” and storms off to the bedroom he probably thought he was well in there. Sadly it just turned out that she wanted to guilt trip the Prime Minister into helping the Irish. He takes a little persuading by stating that “principles are a luxury” which made me wonder if the man was a surprising fan of two album noise makers Kinesis.

Alas, the chances are unlikley because the band formed in the year 2000, long after Peel’s death. Though what if he had access to some sort of box that could travel through time?

Tonight is all about doing the right thing. Francatelli offers his expensive swag to Miss Cleary so she can send money back to her family in Ireland. Victoria offers help too and even Peel stands up for his principles in parliament. And looks very smug about it. As the stats acknowledge at the end in a moving funeral scene, it was nowhere near enough.

Albert was not initially concerned with the lack of food of people in a different country and much more interested in food after it’s been digested by the people living in his country. It’s the circle of life.

The Palace was built on a sewer system apparently (make your own jokes) and installing new thrones with flushing capabilities is his piss de resistance.

Hygiene is less of an issue for E(a)rnest who pops up like a bad rash again. Ironic given he’s caught something nasty off one of his conquests. It’s not all bad news though as the husband of his lost love, the Lady of Sutherland has died in a freak accident. This paves the way for him to get his wicked way with the woman of his dreams at last. Just as long as he has a wash first. And wears protection.

Faith, Hope and Charity felt like the most cohesive work of the run to date and shows just what Victoria as a show is capable of when remaining focused. Not an easy watch by any stretch of the imagination but it deftly translated a time of huge human suffering onto the screen AND had a toilet joke.

Lame of thrones:

• Was anyone else expecting Ted Hastings to pop up and mumble about bent coppers?
• Is the Skerrett / Francatelli love story over and done with? They don’t seem that bothered by each other anymore.
• I can’t get that bloody Elton John song out of my head now.

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, episode 2

Actual title: The Green-Eyed Monster

What it should have been named: The Fertile Trouser Snake

For an episode that didn’t feature much in the way of historical events, I myself had my own small slice of personal history as this was the first time I watched an episode of Victoria with my girlfriend. It was as close to my ultimate threesome as I will ever get. Kind of. We hugged and she wasn’t even facing the screen for most of it other than a moment when I had to remove a great big spider from the living room. It still counts.

The focus this week is the two main men in Victoria’s life (sadly I’m not one of them). Lord M, the unrequited love returns with not so much a blaze of glory but more a stumble in the hallway. Turns out he’s very ill but still more than willing to offer advice on a relationship he’s clearly jealous of.

As for Albert, is the shine coming off his ‘tache? When introduced in series 1 he turned out to be the perfect foil to Victoria, providing much need light relief.  He gave the show momentum but their bickering relationship has turned into a creature of predictability. It’s part of the furniture. Marriage has taken the excitement out of what was a sweet relationship. Make your own conclusions.

The Queen, who let’s not forget, is in love with another man and spends the episode seeking his approval finds herself filled with jealousy as Albert connects with Lady Lovelace over “thinking machine”s and mathematics. Victoria tries to work out engines and pies times the possibility of Albert having an affair like..

To be fair, the name Lady Lovelace does sound like a porn star’s moniker. It’s unusual that her fears are allayed by the news that the daughter of Byron has a husband and three children because… married people with kids never have affairs?

Once again the secondary storylines plod along awkwardly and stick out like David Davis at a Brexit negotiation. In a reversal of roles, Ernest is not the one doing the staring as he is chased by a blushing Wilhelmina Coke but seems oblivious to her advances. Perhaps he’s more of a Pepsi man?

Mmmm.. the taste of a new generation. What else? Ah yes, the Duchess of Buccleuch pulls some silly faces and Miss Skerrett is still getting a tough time from stroppy old Francatelli. Most frustratingly of all, the 45 minutes is broken up with a young boy stealing things around the palace and there is literally no conclusion or any attempt to tie it together with any other strand of the episode. Maybe it will next week but either way it smacks of bad pacing.

Herein lies my underlying problem with period dramas in a nutshell. Amid all the lingering looks and over bearing prissiness nothing much happens. As the credits roll we are not much further on in the story than we were at the titles. Remember this is one of our most famous monarchs ruling at an important time in history but instead we are being wrapped up in nonsensical matters of the heart. It’s all very well dreaming up an imaginary love between Victoria and Lord M but we know nothing happens so where is the intrigue? Where is the drama? Everything looks beautiful and rich in detail but step away from the antechambers and you’re left stood in a shed that’s empty bar a baby’s cot.

Vic and Albs reunite at the end, smooching on some steps at the surprising news that her morning sickness and grumpiness is caused by pregnancy number two. They’re gonna need a bigger shed. .

Lame of thrones 

• Who the hell made those Mercedes adverts and can they be sacked with immediate effect? It makes me nostalgic for the Sainsbury’s ones
• I think my girlfriend should start calling me Lord M. My name’s Michael, see?
• On a plus note, the terrible CGI has been toned down this year to not so terrible.
• Melbourne: “Perhaps you would allow me to show you my collection”

Victoria: