Being Human: My Least Favourite Episodes

It’s no news to anyone that knows me that Being Human is my favourite TV show of all time. There has been no show that combines comedy, drama and a near constant impending sense of doom with such madcap bonkerishness (not an actual word). It is off the scale in terms of its balance between the mundane and the epic. From Marigolds to massacres, it is a small budget TV show with a heart bigger than a million Hollywood blockbusters. There’s not a day goes by where I don’t quote it. it’s just a natural thing for me, like putting the kettle on or going on Twitter. It’s instinctive, it is part of my being and I’m fine with that.

If you’ve never seen it, I will always encourage newcomers to watch and hopefully bulk up what is a very cult fanbase. As it turns out, Iplayer have put all five series back on this very week so there’s no excuse. It’s dialogue is electric, the best I’ve ever known and it might (WILL) break your heart. A few times over. Here’s the thing though, it’s not perfect and that’s the crux of what this blog post is all about really. When you love something so much you notice its flaws more and take them more to heart. It’s like a proper human relationship but without the fun of make up sex or spooning.

So it got me thinking: I should watch the episodes that, off the top of my head, I like the least. The ones which have aspects that I struggle most with and give them another chance on their own terms. Sure I could watch my favourites over and over again (Oh wait, I do) but that’s for another post. There’s no bad episode but I guess the one’s I’ve highlighted here have a key moments that jar or don’t sit right. Initially..

4.3: The Graveyard Shift

“Four hundred years. In dark rooms, libraries and cellars. Pouring over manuscripts, scrolls, books covered in mildew. Because you can’t Google this stuff, you know. I’ve got asthma. Actual asthma. Vampires don’t get asthma. And no one wanted to know about my work. They just laughed and ate another virgin.”

.. would have been on the list but I actually watched this a few weeks ago and there’s no way it should be there because it is the episode where Hal and Tom truly clicked as a screen force. Their collective awkwardness over NUTS magazine and the vain attempts at chatting up a human are pure comedy gold. There are so many wonderful lines. It is an hilarious episode that matches the funny and dark superbly and that is always when Being Human is at its best.

The underlining problems I had with this episode way back when was the overly cartoonish depiction of a goth girl and the weird comedy music that accompanied it. I’m over that now. I am. I’ve matured and everything. The only real faults lie in the last ten minutes. Being Human has never been overly great at action packed fight scenes (give me the improved stylistics of the Hal/Tom bar brawl in series five anyday) but the showdown with the vamps in Honolulu is messy and just plain odd. Worse follows with some truly strange editing when Michaela wakes as a vampire with baffling “comedy” faces and sound affects. It feels drawn from another show entirely. Then to complete a disappointing end to a great episode, Hal’s line about Ivan and Daisy rankles. Annie never met either of them and there’s no evidence that she had even heard of Ivan. But, alas, the preceeding fifty minutes are a thing of wonder so we’ll let it off. It also makes uber-cool use of Elbow’s ‘Grounds For Divorce’ and that is a very great thing indeed.

It must be noted that there is nothing from series one or two on this post and that’s not due to any pretentious “nothing will beat the original trio” mindset. I just think it’s natural that once you ring chances to a show (some were enforced) and when you try new things, there will be more hit and miss moments. It is to the credit of the show that the writers and producers never rested on their laurels and each series is very different. Actually, the high points of s3-5 out awesome the awesome highs of the first two. I can hear your disagreement from here.

So, strap yourselves in and prepare to be treated to barbaric geekery. Here are my least favourite episodes of my favourite ever show. Which will come out bottom once and for all? Or top of the least good. Ah, you know what I mean. Oooh the tension is..  bearable.

 

3.1: Lia

“No funny stuff here, you’ll have to go to Swansea for that..”

First and foremost, it’s a surprise to me more than anyone that a Toby penned episode is in this catagory. There’s not even to say this is a bad episode, actually in Being Human there’s no such thing as bad so we’ll go with ‘least good’. For some reason it just seems to be one of the ones I’ve watched the least of. That is still quite a lot by the way.

Thre’s an element of starting again as the trio move into a new house in a new town but the bantz is a strong as ever. The only place where things suffer are in Mitchell’s trip to purgatory. While placing him at the scenes of crimes is important as it sees his conscience struggle and makes the audience aware just how evil he is because just hearing about it can make fangirls block it out. However the process feels all too laboured, not helped by Lia being a little irritating.

So the main reason the episode doesn’t stand out from the crowd is maybe down to the chain of dubious events it sets up for the rest of series three. Ironic as it a run where the knock on effects of actions is a major theme. Mitchell’s rescue of Annie from hell is a big clunkbuster of a set up for them persuing intimate relations with eachother. I never felt the need for them to be a pairing and no matter how many times people have tried saying that it was foreshadowed in previous episodes it just wasn’t. Hence the clunky clunkbuster. Characters don’t have to be going out for us to care when there’s an inevitable disaster, not if the writing is good enough which it is here. As a result, M-Annie sees our favourite ghost turn into a lovesick puppy and Mitchell neglect his Alberto Balsam more than ever. Not only that but George and Nina take a huge backseat, their sole storyline away from Mitchell’s downfall being the pregnancy.

There are many great moments, the dialogue (DUH), the estate agent’s droll ways, dogging in the forest and of course we see Tom and McNair for the first time. As for Annie’s wonderful speech on returning.. first class. Who knew that pouring a cup of tea could be so emotional?

 

3.6: Daddy’s Ghoul

“What lies beneath the surface..”

My initial response to Daddy’s Ghoul was utter confusion as to why, after the magnificence of Herrick’s glorious return in The Longest Day, he fades into the background. His threat rendered almost impotent. With hindsight this isn’t actually true. Mitchell tries to bludgeon him with his own inferior blood and then finds himself centre of DC Nancy Reid’s attention re The Box Tunnel 20. it’s not long before ‘Uncle Billy’ soon has her blood on his mind. I now view Herrick’s more minor role as subtle suspense building and retract my views of 2011!

Can I state now just how much I like Nancy? At the time of the finale I was hoping she’d come back as either a ghost or a vampire and have more of a role in series 4, potentially as Mitchell’s replacement. Granted, the fanbase would find it very hard to accept the woman who was mostly responsible for his death. She’s mouthy, intelligent, cunning and sarcastic (“That really is a nice cup of tea. Seriously, I’ve shagged for less”). All hail Nancy Reid, a copper it’s ok to like. And fancy. Ahem.

The interchange between George and his dad is both sweet and funny, bond as they do over Strictly Come Dancing and Titanic and it’s only when they visit mummy Sands that things go awry. The punch and make up scene feels too soapy but most bizarre about the whole situation is that his parents, having just been reunited with their long lost, presumed dead son are soon swanning off to Cornwall without a care in the world despite the fact they   perceive George to be a mentally unstable fantasist. But it’s ok because he has a girlfriend who is also a mentally unstable fantasist too so is obviously in good hands. Is it played out as a final goodbye? Who knows. Ultimately it didn’t move George’s story on in any way. He didn’t get any kind of closure from meeting his parents and telling them. It sort of limped to an ending. Still, this is a much better episode than I’ve subconsciously thought and am happy to be proved wrong.

And now i want to do a blog on my fave guest characters because Nancy would definitely be in it. I can write too many things about this programme. Which is a worry.

 

4.4: A Spectre Calls

“I. DON’T. CARE. WHERE’S ME CHEERIOS?”

An episode can either sink or swim by its premise alone and A Spectre Calls has nearly too many holes to save its better moments. Alfie Kirby, a ghost who passed away due to ignorance of the Green Cross code he was supposedly an expert of, turns up on the doorstep. He has been sent from the afterlife to help with the baby, or so he says. In reality (and i use that word loosely), he has been sent by another force to kill baby Eve and thus save the planet. The basic concept is flawed from the off though. Kirby spends all episode gaining Annie’s trust and turning the house against each other in order to get closer to Eve but.. HELLOOOO!! He could just rentaghost to the kid, do his murderous work and be done. Early on he is even in the attic with Eve and let’s not forget he has her in his hands when he winds Hal up. Of course, it’s a drama and the machinations that build up to it are where the entertainment lies but when there’s no need for it, that’s where patience is tested.

Let’s overlook Kirby’s cartoonish (there’s that word again) style choices and accept that it is a brilliantly creepy performance by James Lance but the trouble is it’s TOO creepy from the minute we see him. The inhabitants of Honolulu must have taken stupid pills to first, let him in and second, not be more alert to his blatant manipulation. He was so obviously a wrong ‘un that there’s no suspense at play. Of course he wasn’t sent by Nina. Of course he was there to kill the baby.

There are great moments of course. Tom’s excitement, followed by anger as his housemates “ignore” his birthday brings out the much underrated line highlighted above. Always makes me laugh that one. The confrontation as Kirby tells Hal of all the murdered ladies (all the murdered ladies, eh eh oh eh eh oh) he’s met touches a raw nerve. Our Lord Harry is responsible for more women in heaven than there are racists at an EDL rally.

The scene where Kirby belittles Annie into fading towards seeming oblivion is one twist that was powerful and important in two senses: It stays true to the concept of a ghost fading as they lose their familiars (Mitchell, George, Nina) but on her return it also shows that the bond with her new housemates is now strong enough too. Speaking of which, after all the previous hints we get our first real glimpse of how strong Annie can be as she squishes the mass murdering weirdo into… somewhere. Who know where. Let’s just hope it involves a blender and his genitals in close proximity.

 

4.6: Puppy Love

“Hairy balls. LOL”

Slapstick is the order of the day here and for the most part it pays off to great effect. Allison (yes, two L’s) tracks down Tom (with a T) and so ensues his first dealings with love and heartbreak. It’s an important stepping stone in his transition from puppy to man and it’s lovely to watch two naive young adults navigate their hormones for the first time. My problem with Allison, other than the spelling is not in the performance but more in the blatant stereotyping of her image: Thick rimmed glasses, garish big jumper and satchel full of achievement badges. for the record, who these days boasts about a Blue Peter badge?

Emrys is a cracker of a grumpy character but then he has just been killed by Annie so fair enough on that count. From bad mouthing his ex wife, perving in the bathroom to getting locked in a cupboard. A moment so choreographed you could see Bruno Tonioli skipping across the screen and yet it still worked. In a act of heavy foreboding his parting gift is to teach Annie that there’ll have to be no more Mrs nice girl.

There is so much to love from Hal here too, egg rearranging, mop karaoke, awkward answerphone messages and inappropriate salsa dancing to name some. Then there was his awkwardness around a newcomer who would soon become a familair face and what a nice face it is. We meet ‘Aled’ for the first and despite the full on chat up lines in her first scene being a bit OTT, it was a great introduction that merely paced us slowly before we all fall in love with her the following week. I do wish she’d died in those denim shorts though. Gee, that sounded less creepy in my head.

Yet another new face appears in the form of the excellent Amanda Abbington as the cold, cynical Golda but sadly she is dispatched with before she can even confirm those Travelodge cancellations Her simpleton sidekick Kane is so slapstick it hurts. He brings some good lines as well as the cringe. I would try to find a Die Hard reference that would be apt but I can’t be arsed.

It’s an episode I always seem to enjoy more than I expect to and then I forget that I enjoyed it so much. Perhaps that’s just my old age.

 

5.2: Sticks And Rope

“Imagine having “Employee of the Month” written on your CV. Imagine having a CV”

Familiar in tone to A Spectre Calls, it has a ghost infiltrating Honolulu for nefarious reasons but this time in the form of a child named Oliver who claims to have been living there all along yet none of our trio think to question this daft statement. Alex gasps “Dead Victorian kids are so annoying” and she couldn’t be more spot on. They say never work with supernatural children or animals (something like that anyway) and this breaks one of those rules. Also, calling the episode Sticks And Rope, as well as Oliver stating early on that he was hiding from the very men who hold them, we hardly needed a leap in imagination to know where things were headed. It was as heavily signposted as the Kirby episode.

The premise here was to show the merging of the two worlds, hell and earth (perhaps it should have been called ‘Hell On earth’?) and this is most effective when the Captain turns full on evil like when he redesigns Honolulu in order to trap Alex and Oliver. Not forgetting of course, making Patsy bleed from her eyeballs as he mouths a gloriously nasty speech. However, If all Hatch needed for fuel was a werewolf and vampire at loggerheads in close proximatey then why did he never pick up on George and Mitchell fighting? He should have been having a field day during the cage fight in series three. There was enough hatred to blow the gates of hell wide open there and then. I know what your thinking, because Hatch hadn’t been written then but it’s something that is pretty glaring and needed explanation. We also got to see the evil morris dancers finally, something we never thought would happen, and it was a bit of a disapointment. Not just because they weren’t waving neckerchiefs but also because they could never live up to each of our own ideas on what they were. Some things are best left to the imagination. Like Nancy arresting me and giving me a cavity search. Erm, moving on..

Sadly Rook is hampered by being stuck with Crumb. Poor guy, must have done something wrong in a previous life. Much has been said about Crumb in the fandom and my views aren’t a secret. It felt like he was single-handedly trying to ruin the series. When it’s away from Hal and Tom’s workplace duel things don’t quite click and I still can’t put my finger on why. I remember saying in my review at the time that there was something about the humour and scarier moments (which aren’t very frightening) that didn’t quite hit their mark and I stand by that now.

“But Michael” I hear you scream, “What about the good points?!” I was getting to that don’t you worry..Alex really blossoms in her sole headline plot despite the limitations she has to work with and it was a nice touch to see her with her brothers both before and after her death. Also, the quite barmy idea that an employee of the month competition is being organised by Hatch to help open the gates of hell is to be praised for the sheer bare faced lunacy of it all. It gives us Tom and Hal at their bickering best. They trade insults with “git with a big weird face” being the standout and it soon escalates into a chaotic food fight. When it matters though, it is nice to see Hal sticking up for Tom when it really matters.

On another note entirely, it also made me say “what in the name of little baby cheeses” a lot in my everyday life even though I have no idea what it means.

 

5.4: The Greater Good

“All we’re doing is marking time until the inevitable happens”

There’s a saying that goes “too many cooks spoil the broth” and well.. Honolulu has three new inhabitants this time round and two of them are rubbish. Hal becomes life coach to Crumb and Alan but perhaps giving acting lessons would have been more appropriate. Crumbs gurns and wriggles his way through every scene he’s in, even ruining an otherwise funny montage sequence.

The Greater Good stands tallest with Tom emotionally maturing before our eyes. In a role reversal from Pie And Prejudice, he is now mentor to a werewolf – the wet behind the ears Bobby Grand Barry Speaking (his actual full name, probably). He takes Bobby under his hairy wings and teaches him all about the runnings of a supernaturally infested hotel. What on earth could possibly go wrong? The exchanges between the pair are genuinely sweet, funny and affecting and brought much needed sense to a very confused episode.

Rook finally keeps good acting company but very bad fictional company as he plays a game of cards with the devil. We’ve all been there haven’t we? The werewolf transformation, which by this stage had become a forgotten part of the Being Human set up returns as Bobby is released into the hotel but it simply looks like a man in a costume. Yes, I do know it’s EXACTLY a man in a costume but to have a werewolf just standing and walking around the hotel,  controlled by barked orders (barked, get it?) takes away the threat level that we’ve been taught about for five years. This danger is nullified further by Tom managing to, mid transformation, find his way from the woods, run through town and then trap Bobby away in a room. It just doesn’t sit right. Or perhaps everybody on Barry Island is excessively hairy and walks around naked all the time?

Another highlight is when Crumb dies. Yeah, I said it. I’m a kind person, empathetic even. I donate to charities, I’ve helped old ladies cross the road but I have my moments of weakness and I cheered when he carked it. Still to this day I do not understand his purpose. It was basically the Lauren / Mitchell story rehashed. People have said he was a mirror for Hal, to be his conscience but we know very well that good Hal has a conscience anyway and this leads us to another problematic issue – Hal’s “split personality”. As he’s tied up (not for the first or last time it must be noted) he shuts down and wakes up like an evil Synth. His panic making way for Bad Hal before he shuts down again and says “he was here wasn’t he?” By hinting that good Hal and Bad Hal are two separate entities it gives the audience more of an excuse to forgive him for his actions. Put simply, Hal has never separated the good/evil side in such a way before. He’s spent fifty five years fighting temptation but he’s always referred to himself in the first person. The manner in which this breakdown is shown suggests two personalities and if that’s how it was intended, seems too much of a cop out. Hey ho, at least my friend Su does a brilliant drunken impression of “bad breakdown Hal” so at least the scene gave us that.

 

And the winner..er.. I mean  loser is…

The Greater Good

 

What I’ve learnt:

Here’s the science bit, concentrate. I enjoyed watching these. That’s it. So my lesson to you all is this – If ever you decide that writing a blog of your least favourite episodes from your favourite ever TV show would be a different and unique take on things… don’t do it. So if you’ve read this, you’ve wasted your time. Sorry about that. Even while being hyper critical this has somehow still ended up as a love letter. Being Human is awesome. The show that is. Being a real life human is… complicated. Stick with fiction, guys. That reminds me, I need to write some fanfic where Nancy recruits me sexily and we go on a murderous rampage and kill twenty people in Legoland. The Brick Tunnel 20 I’ll call it. .