My top 25 TV Shows of 2017

25: Naked Attraction – Series 2 (Channel 4)

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Yes, seriously. It’s made my list. Hear me out on this one. Despite it’s obvious channel Four style silliness this actually has more going for it than something like Sex Box. It’s refreshing to see “normal” bodies on TV, warts (sometime’s literally) and all. It’s also, in its own way, an interesting take on human attraction. Plus, at the moments you’re not taking it semi (ahem) seriously, it’s nice to see lots of male genitals that make me feel a hell of a lot better about my own bits.

 

24: Inside No. 9 – Private View (BBC2)

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The sheer audacity of Inside No. 9 means they can kill off Peter Kay in the opening minute. Private View plays out like an Agatha Christie novel set in an art basement. But with a reality TV star and a man named Kenneth Williams who has no sense of irony, or ironically no sense of innuendo.

The strangers are called to an exhibition but are soon picked off one by one in ever increasingly imaginative ways. There’s boob jokes, anal sex jokes, toilet humour and yet it still manages to be clever. How do they do it? The twist turns slowly and the motives of the culprit are thoroughly unexpected. Another gem from team Shearsmith and Pemberton.

 

23: Gameface – Series 1 (E4)

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The pilot which aired way back in 2014 suggested Gameface would be in the tradition of Man Down but time has given the show a facelift. The series proved to be more stylised with a cinematic feel and different use of editing. Marcella has a drug addict brother, a dick of an ex-boyfriend and a blossoming crush on her driving instructor. She’s prone to getting into situations she doesn’t want to be in. She gets in supermarket brawls, triggers a fellow actor into a panic attack and flicks a lover’s testicles. Though he seemed to like being in that situation. Roisin Conaty writes and stars and is clearly in her element. Hopefully a second series beckons.

 

22: Witless – Series 2 (BBC3)

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A strange old show is Witless. Billed as a comedy thriller, the adventures of Leanne and Rhonda descend more into farce with more twists than you can point a gun at and that’s what got them into so much trouble in the first place. Series two finds them trying desperate measures to escape their lives in Witness Protection with the help of dodgy fancy dress gear and a bear named Charlie Little Pockets. Don’t ask. It never plays for easy laughs but Kerry Howard is the one who brings most comic relief to a show that is a strong mix of silly and dark.

 

21: Stranger Things – Series 2 (Netflix)

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While hardly the fasted paced show going, it was good to explore more of ‘The Upside Down’ and the Hawkins lab in series two. It’s fair to say that the happenings in this little pocket of America didn’t evolve too much and it lacked the impact of the first run but for the most part it felt like a continuation of a winning formula, if you overlook the pointless “Eleven goes to the city” episode  Anything that consists of child actors should by definition be awful but my God, these guys are excellent. Quite where things go from here is going to be intriguing. The downside up?

 

20: Sherlock – Series 4 (BBC1)

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Critically panned for sure and suggestions that it jumped the shark do have some validity. However, when Sherlock is on top form it is still spectacular, like the Eurus reveal for example, or the demented spin off of The Crystal Maze in the finale. Plot holes? There were a few and yes, Mary’s death was a bit rubbish but not quite as rubbish as Watson’s reaction but what carried series four over the line was the strong performances and masterful direction which gave adrenaline to the poorest run to date. There are rumours that Sherlock might come back in a few years time but it’s probably wise to put this under the deer stalker hat and back into the dusty cupboard for good.

 

19: BoJack Horseman – Series 4 (Netflix)

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Sure, we can all relate to a depressed, formerly famous horse and even if you can’t, the Netflix animation continues to surprise and astound. The themes have always been a bit morose but there are glimmers of the human side to him. Or the.. horse side. You know what I mean. Tragedy and comedy are simply two cheeks on the same arse and the writing is so funny and assured there’s plenty of padding. Erm.

 

18: The End Of The F**king World – Series 1 (Channel 4 / Netflix)

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In another baffling take on Channels’ starting to give up on the whole putting TV shows on the actual TV, The End Of The F***ing World was confined to streaming service All4. That’s a shame because many will miss out on this teenage misadventure. While the episodes were frustratingly short and there were way too many flashbacks for a series that didn’t clock up many minutes in total, the deeply troubled pairing of James and Alyssa was riotously entertaining. Awkward fumblings, suicide, stabbings, and car explosions are par for the course but despite their attitude an inner monologue expresses all their vulnerability. Jessica Barden stands out with her portrayal of a young woman going off the rails. In their bid to escape they end up more trapped than ever.

 

17: GLOW – Series 1 (Netflix)

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Big hair? check. Spandex? Check. Kick ass women? Check. Cheesy eighties classics? Check. Need any more convincing? It has (references to) sex, it definitely has drugs and the trio is completed by a rock n’ roll attitude. A disparate group of women audition for a new show for female wrestlers and the journey to get to the pilot is a total riot. Director Sam Silva is an arrogant misogynist but he sure as hell meets his match in his cast. The second run has already been shot and is expected to air later this year.

 

16: Cold Feet – Series 7 (ITV)

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As middle age creeps closer and closer for me, perhaps I should watch Cold Feet as a lesson in how not to grow old with dignity. Affairs, addiction, work stress, family stress and depression are some of the happy subjects that our motley crew are faced with. As ever, it’s done with winning performances from a cast who know each other so well. Writer Mike Bullen is a genius in the way he wraps it all together in funny and affecting tales that produce the feelgood factor every time.

 

15: Black Mirror – Hang The DJ (Netflix)

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Coming across as a hybrid of 500 Days Of Summer, The Truman Show and the show’s own past in San Junipero, this romantic installment proves that beneath all the fear, panic and death, Charlie Brooker does have a soft side. Amy and Frank are cooped up in a world where a digital companion controls their love lives. Who they date, where and how long for. For Black Mirror this is a straight forward story that shows some rules are meant to be broken.

 

14: Line Of Duty – Series 4 (BBC1)

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Thandie Newton is the captivating centre of our attention this time but a leap from BBC2 to the headline channel doesn’t mean that all the old strands have been forgotten about. As ever, the main protagonist is there to confuse viewers with dubious actions and multiple alibis. Ted Hastings is on top form as usual, you wouldn’t expect anything less from the fella, but all in all it proved to be the least satisfying series to date.

That’s not to say it wasn’t mostly brilliant but there was a sense that not much ground was covered in comparison to previous runs. There wasn’t even much in the way of the long interrogation scenes either. Maybe that was an editorial decision to stop the show edging towards parody? Either way, the worst series of Line Of Duty is still a thrill ride that puts most TV to shame. Bar the thirteen listed below, obviously. Don’t be picky.

 

13: Broadchurch – Series 3 (ITV)

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Recovering from the ultimate case of ‘Second Series Syndrome’ (yes, SSS), Hardy and Miller are on top form again. Bar the Latimer’s tragic tale of coping with loss, Broadchurch moves on from the events of before. While skipping a few years ahead of our last visit grates at first, it’s a choice that actually allows the final run to breathe so much easier on its own terms.

The topic of rape and sexual abuse is dealt with by good research and much needed sensitively and for that it should be applauded. A whodunnit about a rape felt very odd and left viewers feeling a bit uneasy but that was probably the whole point and Julie Hesmondhalgh played the role of Trish with raw honesty.

In true Broadchurch fashion, there were big, almost laughable red herrings (or in this case, mackerels) such as dramatic close ups of condoms on a dashboard or an intense camera zoom on a load of footballer’s socks but I can forgive them that. Hardy and Miller will be much missed but it’s nice to know that Beth has got a new job as a doctor.

 

12: Black Mirror – Black Museum (Netflix)

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Rolo Haynes,  a former neurological research recruiter now runs a debauched horror show of a museum. As he guides Nish around the “attraction” he tells of his past in extreme and sometimes gory detail. These three differing stories show a man with increasingly loose morals and the pay off is worth its wait in Gold. If it feels like things are getting a bit too bleak just remember that “Monkey loves you”..

 

11: Taskmaster – Series 5 (Dave)

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Taskmaster continues to go from strength to strength as it grows ever more with confidence. If you want to see Sally Phillips make out with a water cooler and frankly, who doesn’t? Then this is the show for you. If you want to see Bob Mortimer turn a coconut into a businessman and frankly, who doesn’t? Then this is the show for you. If you want to see Aisling Bea dressed as a sexy robot called the ‘Cuddlebot 5000’ and frankly, who doesn’t? Then this is the show for you. If you don’t want to see any of these things then put your telly in a skip and go read a book or something.

 

10: Inside No. 9 – The Riddle Of The Sphinx (BBC2)

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Inside No 9 is at its glorious best when putting surreal meat on the bones of simple ideas. This is all about crosswords and no matter how boring that may sound , Shearsmith and Pemberton elevate proceedings beyond anything other comedy writers can manage. It’s complex and deeply compelling.

The Riddle Of The Sphinx revolves around Nina who stumbles into the office of a professor that soon teaches her the best ways of deciphering clues in cryptic crosswords. Naturally, as a storm rages outside there are twists and dark turns aplenty. Everything about it feels perfect. The deliciously lit Gothic set-up, the wordplay and the performances of course. One of the best, if not the best of the anthology series to date.

 

9: Black Mirror – USS Callister (Netflix)

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Reality becomes virtual as Robert Daly, a quiet overlooked co-manager of a technology company starts to play out his fantasies in another world where he is appreciated and respected. He uploads his work colleagues onto his computer based spaceship. In there he is the captain and an outright bully. What follows is unpredictable and at times hilarious story as his trapped crew plot their escape.

As a social commentary, white male privilege is clearly a target and trolling might be an issue covered too, i.e. how people act online in a way they wouldn’t in real life. USS Callister is Black Mirror at its zany, uncompromising best.

 

8: Dave Gorman’s Modern Life Is Goodish – Series 5 (Dave)

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A man stands in front of a PowerPoint screen and picks up on all the mundane quirks of modern day life. That’s it really. Except Dave (the man, not the channel) has always had the language at his disposal to make the smallest things witty and fascinating. He is an expert storyteller and each episode has themes running trough them and brilliant callbacks. The attention to detail is extraordinary.

Though he has a fierce intellect, as is so often the case with Dave Gorman these are cases of a man old enough to know better. He messes with children’s toys in an elaborate effort to trick his friends, he buys a taxi to make money from nightclub bouncers but he’s not always the winner. Someone very close to him plays him at his own game. Sadly, there will be no more of this innovative little show.

 

7: Peaky Blinders – Series 4 (BBC2)

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Read my reviews here:

https://yekimmikey.wordpress.com/category/peaky-blinders-series-4/

 

6: Bang – Series 1 (S4C)

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Read my reviews here:

https://yekimmikey.wordpress.com/category/bang-s4c/

 

5: Detectorists – Series 3 (BBC4)

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Mackenzie Crook’s instant classic booked itself into TV folklore with the last ever six episodes of a show that may have gone under the radar of the mainstream but quality will always win out. It was also great to see the roles of “Simon and Garfunkel” extended and it added to comedy that has the sweetest pathos. There were so many golden moments in what are essentially small details: Andy rescuing a hedgehog and stumbling on his dream home, Lances’s canal boat confusion and the Bat Action Helpline (B.A.T).

If there’s one minor criticism it’s that there wasn’t enough of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club this time round but given that this was Andy and Lance’s farewell, it is understandable they should get more of the screen time. Made with love for both a hobby and the English countryside, it has always left me with a warm glow when the credits roll but my goodness, that ending was beyond perfect. In a cynical, violent world, Detectorists was a tribute to the softer side of humanity. It will be greatly missed.

 

 

4: Doctor Foster – Series 2 (BBC1)

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Read my reviews here:

https://yekimmikey.wordpress.com/category/doctor-foster/

 

3: Car Share – Series 2 (BBC1)

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Despite the second run being as just as brilliant in essence as the first there’s the worry that the writers shot themselves in the foot a bit. Or fell over running to a postbox and back. On what should have been an heroic lap of honour, the reduction from six episodes to four, as well as a sad ending, left an unsavoury taste in the mouth. The powers that be have clearly had a change of heart and succumbed to viewers complaints. In a bizarre move we will be getting a proper final episode sometime this year as well as an unscripted one where Peter Kay and Sian Gibson will be talking made up nonsense to each other. It promises to be brilliant because the chemistry between them shines off the screen anyway. The change of plan further fuels questions as to why the second series didn’t comprise of six in the first place.

Enough of the moaning, what Car Share did offer us this time round didn’t disappoint. From harassment by a drunken smurf to a Monkey hitchhiker the laughs were as big as its heart. This wasn’t simply a case of going to work and back, their world was extended just a little as they journeyed to a party and skived off for a day to go on a mini adventure.  Though the set pieces were a little bigger, and I do mean a little, John and Kayleigh’s blossoming love was dealt with sweetly even though after the first series I thought they should just stay friends. The comedy is observational and down to earth but uproariously funny in the process. Let’s not forget the classic hits (and more classic adverts) of Forever FM either and lots of witty signage for the more attentive viewer. The pressure is on for the last installment but let’s enjoy the moment before it becomes NeverAgain FM.

 

 

2: Uncle – Series 3 (BBC2)

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For its last ever run, Uncle surpassed the expectations set by its humble but still fantastic beginnings.  It was more emotional (I genuinely cried) than most dramas. It was funnier (I genuinely cried) than most comedies from the year put together. Not afraid to touch on sensitive subjects such as addiction and cancer with unashamed sentiment but also go for the farcical jugular – the stupidly thought out intervention on his sister and Andy and Errol’s fantastical quest in “ye olden times” (featuring Dylan Moran as an ogre) to name but two moments. Add to that, Nick Helm’s catchy ditties about inappropriate things and you’ve got comedy gold.

 

1: No Offence – Series 2 (Channel 4)

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The dream team of Viv, Joy and Dinah were back in action and there was the small matter of gang warfare on the streets of Manchester to contend with. It’s an explosive start and a gory ending. As for everything inbetween?  Well, it’s bonkers and all the more glorious for it.

No Offence continues to grope touchy issues and yet has a devilish sense of humour. The dialogue is like nothing else out there. It’s poetically quick-witted and rude (“that was a big fat wanking bomb”). It fires by at such a pace that if you’re a southerner like me you might need to put subtitles on.  The words aren’t the only thing that charge full throttle like Lewis Hamilton on speed. The whole pace is unrelenting and the twists are vast. Don’t be tweeting while you watch this or the plot will literally be lost.

Viv Deering has competition that threatens her authority but that just adds to her steel. Joanna Scanlan’s presence is a joy for every single second that she’s on screen. Speaking of Joy, she grows in confidence and even has a love interest but naturally that takes a sinister turn. The characters, even the smaller roles, are so well realised and believable and that is yet another reason why No Offence claims the top spot.

The mad ending of series one doesn’t play too big a role as it’s only passingly referred to but is Paul Abbott playing the long game on that one? Will the truth ever come out and will it destroy our favourite cop trinity? Series three is due later this year and things are set to get political. Whatever happens, it’ll get my vote.

 

TV Review: The Aliens, Episode 1 (E4)

 

 

There may be no Sigourney Weaver but for an E4 production the cast is impressive all the same. This Is England alumni Michael Socha and the upcoming Michaela Coel, fresh from her own brilliantly funny creation Chewing Gum. Then there’s Horrible Histories and Peep Show regular Dominic Howick (tube up his nose, tube up his nose). Add to that, the head writer is Fintan Ryan of In The Flesh and you have a whole smorgasbord of killer potential.

The premise then, is this: It is forty years after aliens first arrived on Earth and they are now sectioned off in concentration camps. Here’s the catch – they look just like us, for not just storyline reasons but probably budgetary ones also. Lewis (Socha) is a border control officer who soon discovers he is half alien. This is worse than discovering your, say half Scottish because you won’t be locked up for that. Not these days anyway.

It’s disappointing that after all the adverts screamed “HILARITY” things don’t gel from the off. The comedy is off pace and the action disjointed. The editing is akin to a music video directed by someone with ADHD holding a camera in one hand and road drill in the other. It takes a long time to get into its stride. What we do see of this alternate world (when the camera stays still long enough) is an impressive contradictory mess of urban decay and bright radiant colours.

Strangest of all in this mish mash of an opener, is the crazier things get and the closer to the credits we go, the whole thing becomes more cohesive and events thankfully less wobbly. Due to some ill advised hair dealing (honest) from Lewis’sister he has to cross into Troy, an alien hellhole that humans have discarded and left to its own devices. Here morals are loose and anything goes. Which is nothing at all like Troy Town, a little village in Dorset. There are no aliens there, only horses and cows in fields and what’s the bettimg they don’t fight each other in drug addled clubs?

Despite being a somewhat disjointed opener there are moments that click. The Lewis and Dominic (Howick) partnership grew into a joyful pairing, though not joyful in quite the way the latter would like. They look set to shape up as a unique oddball of a collaboration. Why? Because one is clearly in love while the feeling is not reciprocated but mainly because both of them are absolutely useless in critical situations.  Lilyhot (Coel)  has lots of subtext going on. Does she have something behind her eyes as Lewis believes? Or will she just do anything to survive? Is her name even Lily? Is her surname Hot? That would be weird. Or an amazing coincidence.

The social commentary is almost as blatant as being bludgeoned by an issue of Public Eye. Immigration, racism and human cruelty are to the fore. Lewis’ disdain for the ‘Morks’ before he realises he’s half one and fancies a whole one is straight out of the “don’t judge a book by its cover” rulebook. Political and ethical leanings it may have but let’s not forget this is from the producers of Misfits so there’s some people shitting themselves and a bit of wanking too. Not at the same time you’ll be glad to know. 6/10

 

TALKING ALIEN:

– “I’m coming back for the Rabbit!”

– “If someone comes in the room and I’m getting a blow job off a Goat, their first reaction is not gonna be “is that a nanny goat or a billy goat you got there Lew?” I bet “why have you got your penis in a Goat’s mouth?” is gonna come up first”

 

BEYOND THE BORDER:

The aliens landed in 1990. If Shane Meadows had written this it might have been called This is Alien ’90.

The rather obviously named ‘Alien Test Kit’ does exactly what it says on the cardborad.  Did Lewis score exactly 50%?

This whole review didn’t mention Michael Socha’s eyebrows once…oh, wait.

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The (Not So Great) Mikey (Who Is British) Sex Survey

On Thurday night Channel 4 aired The Great British Sex Survey, a top 10 countdown of a large sample poll (ooh er) done in conjunction with YouGov. It sought to find out what goes on in the bedrooms, sheds and… jars of our great land. Are British people as repressed as everyone thinks? It appears not for the most part. I myself, am a bit of a perv.  Exes would probably vouch for that (though I’d rather they don’t!) and so too would people who know me pretty well. When I say perv, I don’t mean in a gropey sex pest sort of way. In fact, the word pervert doesn’t really mean much with its modern day useage. Lot’s of people like sex. It is not “abnormal or unacceptable”. As long as it’s consenting and legal then go for it. Just don’t send me any pictures thanks. Unless I ask for some obviously.

Sex toys were at number 1. Which, ironically was a bit of anti climax. Is that really a fetish? Is your right hand a fetish? Still, I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation before..

 

 

As a show, its intention was the message of sex positivity and promoting an openness (now now) not normally associated with British people and that is a good thing. The top ten was  pretty much to be expected but it was when the more obscure fetishes were touched upon that events took an eye opening turn. As with most things in life there are things you don’t understand but say “fair do’s, not for me. Move on”. I don’t get the sex doll thing. I find it a bit creepy. Especially if you push that sex doll around town in a wheelchair, even if I concede “she’s” not able to pop to Morrisons of her own volition. I don’t get why you would want to rub up against balloons. I’ll never understand foot fetishes. I’ll never understand why someone would want to put a big screw IN their dick. I don’t understand why you’d dress up as the michelin man and walk around some woods but hey, I don’t understand why The Libertines are so popular. You accept it and move on. It doesn’t affect me in any way. Sort of like gayness doesn’t affect homophobic people, they just choose to be disgusted.

I’m a broad-minded person but then I guess most of us would say that about ourselves. However my open-mindeness was pushed too far at the guy shagging a jar of worms. Not only that but he confessed to the thrill of slugs crawling over him. SLUGS ARE THE DEVIL’S PLASMA AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE A GENUINE PHOBIA. Ok, calm down. Where was I? Ah yes. Do what you like. Go crazy. Push your boundaries.

 

 

So it got me thinking, what would be my top ten? I’ll level with you from the off here that though all that is listed below is genuinely true, there is some stuff that I haven’t listed because a) you gotta keep some things personal and b) We may never be able to look eachother in the eye ever again.

 

 

10A: JESSICA HYNE’S VOICE

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Jessica in general to be honest. Her voice has always been calling me (not for real, which is a shame). It’s a bit posh, a bit Laaandan, a bit husky, a bit stern and a bit naughty. Her narration of The Great British Sex Survey utilised all these traits very well indeed. Especially when saying words like ‘orgasm’ and ‘spanking’.

 

 

10B: FRINGES

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I’ve never been to the Edinburgh Fringe so I can’t claim any authority on its sexiness. I can speak for fringes of the hair kind. Pop a fringe on anyone and they will immediately become about 20% more attractive in my eyes. This is a statistical fact that can’t be disputed. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have any ill feeling towards foreheads – they serve their purpose of helping hide our mushy brains from being visible to the outside world. Vital work such as it is.  I can’t explain it. It doesn’t need explaining. Fringes are sexy. Deal with it.  I mean… LOOK

 

 

I think you’d agree…

 

weer

 

 

9: SEX IN PUBLIC

 

Now it should be pointed out that this is kinda illegal but what’s the betting that most of you have acted out on this?  It seems that the major kick here is the thrill of maybe getting caught but if I were ever to be found mid public-ness I would be HORRIFIED. Almost as horrified as the person who’d walked in on proceedings. I guess there is mostly the sense of doing something you shouldn’t be doing, that a taboo is being broken.

I’ve done a bit but not too much. I’ve done it in cars but then we all have. I’ve done it in a changing room (that was pretty hot tbh). I’ve recieved a handjob on a very empty late night train. Ah, the romance of it all. I’ve also done it in some woods but to be honest, all the random sticks and twigs are a pain in the arse. Not literally… though that might be good to note for the future..

People are going to do it whatever, it just needs some common sense in place. For example, despite what The Beatles may recommend, it is not wise to do it in road for a myriad of reasons including health and safety. Don’t do it in insanely public places like parks or you know, near schools because you almost definitely will get arrested. Still, if you’re into police uniforms that might heighten your experience even more.

 

 

8: THREESOMES/ORGIES

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Definitely not something to enter into lightly (sorry). It can cause jealousy and insecurity if done for the wrong reasons. I’ve dabbled only slighty in threesomes, which is probably where I’m going wrong (lolz). I have had most men’s ultimate fantasy of some threesomes with two girls. It was a very long time ago and truthfully, the first time it happened my brain was too busy combusting with “OMG THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING” to actually be in the moment. When I say some, I mean, like only three or four times. You’ve seen me, right? I’m not James Bond.*

* I am James Bond.

I’m also not at all bothered about the MMF scenario as long as he’s not really hairy (ugh) or has a bigger dick than me. And both clauses have to be previously guaranteed before the event with a written contract. Actually, I’d make an exception if the chance of a Summer/Tom/Me threesome ever popped its head up (sorry). For that I’d waiver any need for signatures and be in there like a horny bee to metaphorical honey. Or something.

 

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I can confess I have never been in any orgy other than the orgy of confusion that is my everyday life and that doesn’t count. In principle it has everything going for it purely for the fact you’ll be in a place with more boobs than you can shake your stick at (sorry again). Boobs are great so where’s the downside? Well, realistically it’d be awkward and everybody would likely be self conscious. And the men would all be hairy and have bigger dicks than me. Maybe it’s best to leave this one to porn stars, eh?

 

orgy. hi. HERE INNS JESUS. :I

 

 

7: JENNA COLEMAN

Frankly, if shagging creepy crawlies can be classed as a fetish then so can fancying the flip out of Jenna Coleman. It needs a name though. Jennaphilia? Colemanism? Here are the direct causes for.. whatever it’s going to be named:

She’s beautiful.

And pretty.

Which is kind of the same thing but also kind of not.

Those cheekbones.

Honestly, those cheekbones.

Her cute button nose is EVERYTHING.

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She’s graceful and feminine.

And clever.

But a bit goofy too.

THE SMILE

STAHP.

She always says innuendo accidently in interviews and then gets really awkward when she realises.

The half posh / half lancastrian accent.

Her hair.

AND THE HAIR SWISH. Nobody does a hair swish to camera as good as Jenna.

AND…

 

 

 

6: GIRL ON GIRL

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I admit defeat on this one. I am a useless, weak male that is conforming to the societal stereotype. The maths is so simple even I can understand it. Attractive woman + attractive woman = hot. Not even Pythagoras himself would dispute this. Yes, we crumble when girls get it on. Yes, our brain cells disintegrate. Yes, we will always think it’s hot even if you’re only doing it for a laugh and not at all into it. I’m sooo ashamed. I am an awful, predictable man. But I Liiiiike it.

 

 

5: DUNGAREES

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Clothes?! What are clothes but a barrier to nakedness? Such a disgusting concept! I joke of course. We all have a predilection for certain types of clothing.  I guess I have two main interests in this department (God that sounded creepy) as I’m attracted to femininity I guess it makes sense that I love dresses that show off curves.  Retro type dresses including fifties style and polka dot are definitely bonza in my mind.  Feck nurses gear, this is the stuff of Mikey dreams..

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I also have a thing for denim. Please can you stop picturing Status Quo as it will ruin my point entirely. Not a clue why this is “a thing” for me at all. All I know is that denim shorts and dungarees are up there with the world’s greatest creations. I’m now picturing Status Quo in denim hotpants and feel totally violated. Quick – what we need is a GIF of Marina in dungarees.

 

 

 

4: ORAL

ff

 

There are guys who do not like giving oral and there are some who don’t do it at all.   This is incomprehensible. It’s awesome. What’s not to love? You should not expect to recieve any if you don’t give it out surely? Stop letting us men (who are already flawed e-bloody-nough) down any longer. If you don’t like it, stick a visor on, stuff some cotton wool up yer nose and get down there and do your duty. THEN AND ONLY THEN, WILL YOU BE A HERO MY FRIEND.

 

 

I am available all week for motivational speeches. You’re welcome.

 

 

3: FOREPLAY

 

Now this covers a broad church including the one listed above.

 

 

No, not that kind of Broadchurch.

Anyway, it’s the chance to look at and play with many bits of the body and we can agree that’s an excellent thing can’t we? There’s plenty of erogenous zones about, almost as many as the amount of Tesco Metros within a 10 mile radius of your house* Ignoring said zones is actually rude.  Put it this way – if you drove past Lazer Quest every day you would make an effort to visit now and then wouldn’t you? Let’s just let that analogy settle for a moment.

I’ve got to stop talking about foreplay now as the picture above has a picture of a dead body on the beach and it’s ruining the vibe somewhat. Typical excuse I know: “Not tonight dear, another beach, another dead body”. Well this has taken rather a dark turn.

*This has not been researced.

 

 

2: PARTIALISM

The show on Thursday taught me something new so Channel 4 really can be educational. I’d never heard the word partialism before, it essentially means a sexual interest in a part of the body that isn’t the genitals.

 

 

We must all have these and there’s one I can’t relate to at all. I whince at the thought of a foot fetish (say that ten times quickly when drunk). Feet serve a wonderful purpose to get us around and all that but EEEURGH, no way am I sucking your toes. HELL TO THE NO. More than anything it’s the feel of them I can’t stand. Unintentional joke right there. Ears too are bit weird. Honestly, stare at an ear and it gets odder and uglier looking with each second. Don’t do this with strangers because you might get punched, especially if you tell them they have minging ears.

Predictably I am partial to a bit of partialism (don’t try saying that drunk either) as if you didn’t need any more convincing that I’m a grade A pervball. Let’s face it, hips, the small of the back, shoulders, neck…. other than feet it’s not exactly shabby is it? It’s all great but here goes:

WIDE FACES: Someone once told me I only liked hamster faced women who looked like they were storing food.  It never occured to me before but it was a 100% true observation. I’m still waiting for responses to my video on datearodent.com as we speak.

 

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NOSES: Not every nose. That would be WEIRD. This is a pretty recent development and I’m not sure why some noses are attractive and the rest are just standard boring noses. To clarify, after just looking up Nasophilia, I have no interest in snot or penetrating nostrils in any way. It is early days in noseland though so who knows what the future might hold but if that does ever happen you have full permission to castrate me.

 

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Go away Voldetwat. Here’s some extreme hardcore nose action in the form of Imogen Poots. YEEEEAH.

 

 

THIGHS: It seems the official term for a thigh fetish is… thigh fetish. Lots of thought went into that one. It also helps that thighs are essentially right near the top of the… stairway to heaven.  Ahem.

 

 

And so, only one place remains in the countdown. What has come on top? (snigger) Is it that Oculolinctus is my thing? Do I derive kicks from Agalmatophilia? Am I a secret Furrie?

 

DRUM ROLL PLEEEEASE…..

 

 

 

1: BUMS / ANAL

 

Yes. Bum related things are victorious. Sorry.

 

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SURPRISE!

 

 

And now this is a good excuse to post GIFS. Just in case no one knows what a bum looks like.

 

 

So yes, undisputed number one is my love of bums.  I’m so English I can’t say “ass” because it just wouldn’t seem right. Why is it top of the list? Well, they’re awesome aren’t they? Breasts are great but bums are betterer. You can quote me on that.

As for anal as a sexual act, it’s certainly a lot less taboo than it was even ten years ago which is undoubtedly due to internet porn where some scenes don’t even feature any vaginal penetration. Er. So I’m told.  I find it difficult to believe it didn’t make the top ten of The Great British Sex Survey but then would Channel 4 really be prudish and decide not to mention it?  Either way, sod them. Literally. Just make sure you use lube.

Don’t worry, I won’t give you the ins and outs (last pun I promise) of bum love. You’ve got google for that.  It’s probably best to leave the final word on the matter to that famous soulmate of mine, Jez.