Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 4

Actual title: The Sins Of The Father

What it should have been named: Duke, I Am Your Father

In a period drama that reflects such a big timespan, historical accuracy is sometimes understandably put to one side but sudden leaps in time can appear like a bolt from the blue. It’s not a complaint to be rushed straight into shots of Victoria sweating and writhing about on a bed (in no way is that image a bad thing) but it’s a surprise to be rushed straight to the birth of her second child which is thankfully an image that wasn’t shown. An excitable Albert declares “Gentleman, we have a prince of Wales?” Everyone is very happy about it. Well, except one person..

The Queen’s post-natal depression is doubled by giving birth to the future betrayer of a nation’s sweetheart (I think that’s right, I’m no monarchy expert but research is too much of an effort). Vic insists “all babies look like frogs to me”

Incredibly not even Albert’s singing can cheer her up.

There was a lot going on but nothing felt like it had much direction. There was an explosion at the Tower and the Queen attended the hospital where the victims lay. She cried but not many of the tears were for the victims. There was the the opening of a tunnel in the Thames and the Queen attended but showed zero interest. Little mugger boy also showed his face briefly and we may have just got to the point of his existence. Aptly for his vague screen time it doesn’t even involve him directly. Miss Skerrett blabbed to her friend about the Palace break in and Lehzen investigates the staff like a dubious Miss Marple (“Ooh Mr Francatelli, what an expensive suit you have on”). The truth comes out and despite being sacked by Victoria, the dress maker ends up with nicer headquarters at the behest of her husband. Was there a point to any of it? Answers on a postcard and send it to Coburg, please.

Speaking of Coburg, this is where the main narrative was. The Prince’s dad carks it while a lady is sat on his lap. All innocent no doubt but Albert visits home for the funeral where Leopald has a revelation that his dad isn’t actually dead for it is him who is actually his father..

Albert frothes at his ‘tache with anger

Literally.

It’s not all doom and gloom. Victoria is given a new puppy as a present and for the first time all episode a smile forms over face. Proof as if it was needed that dogs are better than children.

Lame of thrones

• For all that Brunel achieved in life and all he got here was an extra playing him for two seconds. Television is a cruel mistress.
• Not one mention of Lord M at all, which after everything that happened last week is plain weird. Don’t expect us to invest in stories if you don’t follow them through.
• There are homoerotic undertones underfoot at Buckingham Place and I’m not talking about Mr Penge and his mirror.
• I bet Victoria wouldn’t laugh if Albert pissed the bed
• Yes I know Albert isn’t a duke but what do you want from this blog? Facts or cheap but ultimately nonsensical jokes?

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, episode 2

Actual title: The Green-Eyed Monster

What it should have been named: The Fertile Trouser Snake

For an episode that didn’t feature much in the way of historical events, I myself had my own small slice of personal history as this was the first time I watched an episode of Victoria with my girlfriend. It was as close to my ultimate threesome as I will ever get. Kind of. We hugged and she wasn’t even facing the screen for most of it other than a moment when I had to remove a great big spider from the living room. It still counts.

The focus this week is the two main men in Victoria’s life (sadly I’m not one of them). Lord M, the unrequited love returns with not so much a blaze of glory but more a stumble in the hallway. Turns out he’s very ill but still more than willing to offer advice on a relationship he’s clearly jealous of.

As for Albert, is the shine coming off his ‘tache? When introduced in series 1 he turned out to be the perfect foil to Victoria, providing much need light relief.  He gave the show momentum but their bickering relationship has turned into a creature of predictability. It’s part of the furniture. Marriage has taken the excitement out of what was a sweet relationship. Make your own conclusions.

The Queen, who let’s not forget, is in love with another man and spends the episode seeking his approval finds herself filled with jealousy as Albert connects with Lady Lovelace over “thinking machine”s and mathematics. Victoria tries to work out engines and pies times the possibility of Albert having an affair like..

To be fair, the name Lady Lovelace does sound like a porn star’s moniker. It’s unusual that her fears are allayed by the news that the daughter of Byron has a husband and three children because… married people with kids never have affairs?

Once again the secondary storylines plod along awkwardly and stick out like David Davis at a Brexit negotiation. In a reversal of roles, Ernest is not the one doing the staring as he is chased by a blushing Wilhelmina Coke but seems oblivious to her advances. Perhaps he’s more of a Pepsi man?

Mmmm.. the taste of a new generation. What else? Ah yes, the Duchess of Buccleuch pulls some silly faces and Miss Skerrett is still getting a tough time from stroppy old Francatelli. Most frustratingly of all, the 45 minutes is broken up with a young boy stealing things around the palace and there is literally no conclusion or any attempt to tie it together with any other strand of the episode. Maybe it will next week but either way it smacks of bad pacing.

Herein lies my underlying problem with period dramas in a nutshell. Amid all the lingering looks and over bearing prissiness nothing much happens. As the credits roll we are not much further on in the story than we were at the titles. Remember this is one of our most famous monarchs ruling at an important time in history but instead we are being wrapped up in nonsensical matters of the heart. It’s all very well dreaming up an imaginary love between Victoria and Lord M but we know nothing happens so where is the intrigue? Where is the drama? Everything looks beautiful and rich in detail but step away from the antechambers and you’re left stood in a shed that’s empty bar a baby’s cot.

Vic and Albs reunite at the end, smooching on some steps at the surprising news that her morning sickness and grumpiness is caused by pregnancy number two. They’re gonna need a bigger shed. .

Lame of thrones 

• Who the hell made those Mercedes adverts and can they be sacked with immediate effect? It makes me nostalgic for the Sainsbury’s ones
• I think my girlfriend should start calling me Lord M. My name’s Michael, see?
• On a plus note, the terrible CGI has been toned down this year to not so terrible.
• Melbourne: “Perhaps you would allow me to show you my collection”

Victoria: