Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 8

Actual title: The Luxury Of Conscience

What it should have been named: The End Of Foreboding

And so it comes to pass, the final chapter of the second series is designed to pull at the heartstrings with little concern for historical accuracy. Relationships formed are torn apart and a death is on the cards.

Albert’s war with Lehzen seems a bit out of the blue. Sure, they’ve never got on but I suppose if anything is going to trigger the prince’s ultimatum of “either she leaves or I do” it’s Lehzen’s total disregard for the health of their daughter. Here is unseen footage of the baroness plotting the death of an innocent child..

It turns out alright in the end though because the grim reaper has another appointment this episode and he can’t be in two places at once.

Victoria has to choose between her husband and her slave and so it’s Lehzen that gets the marching orders. Nobody is shedding a tear. Well, the Queen is but there’ll be another servant to fill her horrid, cold boots soon enough.

Drummond and Alfred’s flourishing relationship is put down before its dog has had a run in the park. Drummond is shot protecting his dad outside parliament (a fictional take on proceedings) leaving Alfred understandably heartbroken but unable to grieve in public.

A more legal Bromance ends in tears too. Robert Peel’s determination to repeal the Corn Laws succeeded but it was political suicide.

Peel offers his resignation and that means there will no longer be excitable conversations between him and the Prince about trains. Truly the saddest moment of all in this finale. Other than that, it’s difficult to find sympathy with infighting Tories. Seasons change, fashions change, even aspect ratios on televisions change but the Conservatives will always be self-obsessed bigots and that’s something even a lightweight period drama got down to a tee.

Things look on the up for E(r)nest and his chances of getting into Lady Sutherland’s garments but it’s a good job their tête-à-tête was interrupted as we soon learn that he is not free from his syphilis and that makes him indisposed from sexy pants action.  Even I felt a little sorry for the fella.

It was a dark hour of telly all in all, especially those bloody Mercedes adverts, but there was one ray of sunlight through the clouds. Francatelli and Miss Skerrett are finally courting (as my dad still calls it) and a kiss was caused by what could be the two most Victorian chat up lines yet: “You do make very good tarts” and “would you like to come under my parasol”. Let’s hope that this is a relationship that lasts and that the  dressmaker doesn’t accidentally put a pin in her heart or the chef has a soggy bottom.

A second series is wrapped up and after eight weeks of magically multiplying babies, heartbreak and deaths it’ll be good to have a break and focus on the rubbish stuff that’s going on in our own lives. After it’s refusal to start early on in the series, Victoria finished strongly like a horse on speed at the Cheltenham festival. Speaking of horses, a small one (I believe they’re called ponies) has invaded the palace and is seen as some sort of happy ever after. Sure it is, until it shits everywhere. Perhaps that’s the plot of the Christmas special.

Lame of thrones:

• Why hasn’t Albert punched his dad yet? The poor wall that was on the receiving end did not deserve that.
• There wasn’t enough Vicbert snogging this series. Dear ITV…

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 7

Actual title: The King Over The Water

What it should have been named: The Queen Under The Duvet

Not for the first time, Victoria is subject to assassination attempts and this spurs the royals to seek temporary pastures new. Much like their visit to France, they try to swot up on the local customs. They endure bleak Scottish poetry.

They endure the “beastly instrument” of the bagpipes.

Albert angrily insists it “sounds like the noise a Deer makes when it is being slaughtered” but his wife finds it “rousing”. Or arousing depending on how you blow on it.

The plan of this visit over the border was to escape but King and Queen still find themselves surrounded by security so do a runner deep into the countryside in the style of Mark and Jez in the Quantocks. But on horseback. The cold and mist sets in they chance upon a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Rather than sharing rations of a chocolate bar they get an offer to stay the night. The alternative was freezing themselves into an early coffin.

Exactly Mark, this isn’t southern England. Keep up.

This is the most beautifully shot Victoria to date. The cinematography of the vast Scottish glens is absolutely breathtaking and place Jenna Coleman in shot too and it’s a veritable feast for the eyes.

As for the mystery of what a Scotsman keeps under his kilt, Miss Skerrett almost finds out but for her loyalty to Francatelli, a man who has yet to show the chief dressmaker what’s under his pans. Things are moving a bit quicker for Drummond and Alfred who stroll around the forest half-heartedly looking for the Queen. There are more pressing matters on their mind and it’s not just the trees that have got wood.

They finally get their freak on while overlooking a scenic lake with an orchestra playing. All of our first kisses have been like that though haven’t they? Will it be a case of what happens in Scotland stays in Scotland? Will their love remain unrequited? It’s unlikely to have a happy ending. At least they get the chance to suck on something when Wilhelmina insists they have a go on the bagpipes before returning home.

Matters of the heart still persist between E(a)rnest and Lady Sutherland and assuming his diseased genitals have cleared up, the death of her husband may have left a vacancy for him to..erm.. fill. However, his condolesences are initially brushed away.

But the old charmer is sure to get his wicked way and spread more of his creepy germs.

This penultimate episode was genuinely funny, heart warming and in complete contrast to last week’s heavy tone. When it gets the balance right, Victoria is a light, entertaining romp that’s worthy of the budget. Like last series it has improved towards the end and this may be down to no more secondary stories being set up uncomfortably.

Lame of thrones: 

• Albert: “Safety must come before our inclinations”. Well, if you wore condoms, mate you’d have less children.
• Cooking fish on a fireplace has never had more sexual overtones.
• I want to go round saying “MY FELICITATIONS!” to random people for no good reason at all.
• Who else thought / hoped Jenna was going to get naked in this scene?
  https://twitter.com/emiliastormborn/status/917152683693367297

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 6

Actual title: Faith, Hope and Charity

What it should have been named:  Carbs, craps and STD’s

While last week was a jolly jaunt over the sea, a ‘Victoria Abroad’ if you will, the subject matter here is a much more bleak spectacle. The Irish potato famine is no laughing matter and is covered with great sensitivity and a subtle approach not usually associated with the show.

The sort of subtle approach this blog has I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, Robert Peel (who seems to live at Buckingham Palace) speaks of the “time war” to set us up. Hang on, the time war? What if there was some sort of massive button that if pressed can stop people dying of hunger?

Oh wait, it’s the tithe war. Sorry.

Elsewhere in Ireland we meet the Reverend Robert Traill who is battling his own religion and country in trying to get help for the starving. He soon gets an audience with the Queen, the lucky bastard.

Peel won’t budge from his usual stubborn mindset and when Victoria tells him to “come with me” and storms off to the bedroom he probably thought he was well in there. Sadly it just turned out that she wanted to guilt trip the Prime Minister into helping the Irish. He takes a little persuading by stating that “principles are a luxury” which made me wonder if the man was a surprising fan of two album noise makers Kinesis.

Alas, the chances are unlikley because the band formed in the year 2000, long after Peel’s death. Though what if he had access to some sort of box that could travel through time?

Tonight is all about doing the right thing. Francatelli offers his expensive swag to Miss Cleary so she can send money back to her family in Ireland. Victoria offers help too and even Peel stands up for his principles in parliament. And looks very smug about it. As the stats acknowledge at the end in a moving funeral scene, it was nowhere near enough.

Albert was not initially concerned with the lack of food of people in a different country and much more interested in food after it’s been digested by the people living in his country. It’s the circle of life.

The Palace was built on a sewer system apparently (make your own jokes) and installing new thrones with flushing capabilities is his piss de resistance.

Hygiene is less of an issue for E(a)rnest who pops up like a bad rash again. Ironic given he’s caught something nasty off one of his conquests. It’s not all bad news though as the husband of his lost love, the Lady of Sutherland has died in a freak accident. This paves the way for him to get his wicked way with the woman of his dreams at last. Just as long as he has a wash first. And wears protection.

Faith, Hope and Charity felt like the most cohesive work of the run to date and shows just what Victoria as a show is capable of when remaining focused. Not an easy watch by any stretch of the imagination but it deftly translated a time of huge human suffering onto the screen AND had a toilet joke.

Lame of thrones:

• Was anyone else expecting Ted Hastings to pop up and mumble about bent coppers?
• Is the Skerrett / Francatelli love story over and done with? They don’t seem that bothered by each other anymore.
• I can’t get that bloody Elton John song out of my head now.

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.