Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, episode 2

Actual title: The Green-Eyed Monster

What it should have been named: The Fertile Trouser Snake

For an episode that didn’t feature much in the way of historical events, I myself had my own small slice of personal history as this was the first time I watched an episode of Victoria with my girlfriend. It was as close to my ultimate threesome as I will ever get. Kind of. We hugged and she wasn’t even facing the screen for most of it other than a moment when I had to remove a great big spider from the living room. It still counts.

The focus this week is the two main men in Victoria’s life (sadly I’m not one of them). Lord M, the unrequited love returns with not so much a blaze of glory but more a stumble in the hallway. Turns out he’s very ill but still more than willing to offer advice on a relationship he’s clearly jealous of.

As for Albert, is the shine coming off his ‘tache? When introduced in series 1 he turned out to be the perfect foil to Victoria, providing much need light relief.  He gave the show momentum but their bickering relationship has turned into a creature of predictability. It’s part of the furniture. Marriage has taken the excitement out of what was a sweet relationship. Make your own conclusions.

The Queen, who let’s not forget, is in love with another man and spends the episode seeking his approval finds herself filled with jealousy as Albert connects with Lady Lovelace over “thinking machine”s and mathematics. Victoria tries to work out engines and pies times the possibility of Albert having an affair like..

To be fair, the name Lady Lovelace does sound like a porn star’s moniker. It’s unusual that her fears are allayed by the news that the daughter of Byron has a husband and three children because… married people with kids never have affairs?

Once again the secondary storylines plod along awkwardly and stick out like David Davis at a Brexit negotiation. In a reversal of roles, Ernest is not the one doing the staring as he is chased by a blushing Wilhelmina Coke but seems oblivious to her advances. Perhaps he’s more of a Pepsi man?

Mmmm.. the taste of a new generation. What else? Ah yes, the Duchess of Buccleuch pulls some silly faces and Miss Skerrett is still getting a tough time from stroppy old Francatelli. Most frustratingly of all, the 45 minutes is broken up with a young boy stealing things around the palace and there is literally no conclusion or any attempt to tie it together with any other strand of the episode. Maybe it will next week but either way it smacks of bad pacing.

Herein lies my underlying problem with period dramas in a nutshell. Amid all the lingering looks and over bearing prissiness nothing much happens. As the credits roll we are not much further on in the story than we were at the titles. Remember this is one of our most famous monarchs ruling at an important time in history but instead we are being wrapped up in nonsensical matters of the heart. It’s all very well dreaming up an imaginary love between Victoria and Lord M but we know nothing happens so where is the intrigue? Where is the drama? Everything looks beautiful and rich in detail but step away from the antechambers and you’re left stood in a shed that’s empty bar a baby’s cot.

Vic and Albs reunite at the end, smooching on some steps at the surprising news that her morning sickness and grumpiness is caused by pregnancy number two. They’re gonna need a bigger shed. .

Lame of thrones 

• Who the hell made those Mercedes adverts and can they be sacked with immediate effect? It makes me nostalgic for the Sainsbury’s ones
• I think my girlfriend should start calling me Lord M. My name’s Michael, see?
• On a plus note, the terrible CGI has been toned down this year to not so terrible.
• Melbourne: “Perhaps you would allow me to show you my collection”

Victoria:

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 6

There must be something funny in the water at Buckingham Palace this week for Victoria has descended into pure comedy with lots of hot snogging. The two main reasons why I’m really starting to love this show.

Poor Albert is struggling in his new position this week, well some positions he’s clearly good at but when it comes to his status within the monarchy and his grip of British eccentricities? There he struggles. He’s a lost soul reduced to blotting letters. “How delightful” indeed.  When he huffs that “the dogs wear jewellery, the piano’s are out of tune and all people talk about is the weather” it is a great moment. His misfortune is our joy. From how to pronounce Leicester to the ways of the muffin man..

.. it’s all alien to him. All the plaudits go to Tom Hughes whose performance of this frosty, seemingly cold man has gradually won us over with a mix of comedy and dramatic presence. Albert is a man of strong principles and he steps in to make a speech on the slave trade where Victoria herself feels she can’t because of its political nature. His speech goes down a storm and victory is his for once.

As for our Queen, her screen time is overshadowed by her husband this week but there’s still some great moments. She manipulates the Duke of Sussex into changing tradition for the benefit of her man but he’s not exactly ecstatic about it. Unsurprisingly. More notable is her approach to contraception. In a bid to keep at it like rabbits on poppers, Victoria takes some advice from Lehzen. Not giving away any spoilers but Dash the dog saw it all and was like..

So, are the sub plots getting anywhere ? Hand on heart I don’t have a scooby what’s going on between Miss Skerrett and the chef bloke. Not a scooby.  Maybe he’s not as sinister as he first seemed? Who knows. Hey, as he’s a chef  I guess you could say he serves up some

Or not. Meanwhile Ernest is trying to charm the married Lady Sutherland with a game of archery. Which is both dangerous and open to all sorts of stupid cupid puns. But as soon as he makes his intentions clear he says goodbye to the palace and shoots off back to Germany faster than you can say “archer’s paradox”. In truth it seems a  bit of a damp squib but at least he’s not going to get all stalky and creepy which is a good thing. Yet.

From Victoria’s dubious attempt at going incognito to Albert’s general lost puppy vibe, this was a wonderfully funny episode that touched on a serious issue too. Perhaps the strongest of the series. They’ve got me, I’ve been taken in. I’m now a fully paid up member of the VicBert occult. God save me Queen.

Lame of thrones

“They laugh at my accent, I’ve seen the cartons where I’m drawn as a sausage”. Welcome to Britain Albert, welcome to Britain.

Francatelli: “I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I’m in my sugar work” Is that what they called it in those days?  I hope he washes his hands before making the dinner.

To be fair to the Prince, it does look like Ly-sester

Sorry, Lord.. who?

Jenna perv count

In modern parlance, Jenna was “a precious cinnamon roll” for the whole episode. No, I don’t get it either.

In fact, she was just cute as flip.

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 5

 

First and foremost, let’s get some admin out of the way. I know my army of admirers  are chomping at the bit for reviews of episodes three and four (er.. well two people asked).  I haven’t been able to do them these last couple of weeks but fear not you two, I will retrospectively review them when I get time which means I’ll have to watch even more Jenna. The things I do for you, eh? Before the series races.. or plods over the finishing line I considered it wise to get up to date. So..

If curious looking shrubs aren’t your speciality then don’t worry, you will still find something of interest in the show that is unexpectedly beating Poldark in the ratings. Its success can be put down to a number of things: The lavish production and Jenna’s impossibly sexy nose are clearly high on the list but ultimately it is the romance that has won Britain’s heart. While Ross broods moodily at Demelza, Victoria is now gazing lovingly at a man that isn’t Lord M. Period drama AND romance? Britain loves that kind of shizzle.

After a sneaky snog in the garden area (not a euphemism), the personal politics starts  all over again. Albert wants a title and £50,000 a year so not to feel like Victoria’s servant (I’ll take that job if it’s going thanks) but the privy council despise her choice of partner because not only is he German but he also has a Catholic relative. The scandal. There is a more lighthearted feel this week and many great lines. “What is wrong with being German? If you go back far enough my entire family is German” Victoria protests to a calm Melbourne who retorts “public opinion is not known for its logic ma’am”. The M-meister is on form again when she claims “At least I know Albert doesn’t have any secrets”. His nonchalant “No, well that usually comes later ma’am..” is cutting but polite. Tonight we said goodbye to our favourite Whig and it was a little bit heartbreaking. He kisses a farewell to the Queen on her cheek and the tension between the two is still palpable.

While on a visit back to his homeland, Albert is taken for a jolly day out by his brother Ernest.. to a brothel. Sure, we’ve all been to a brothel with our brother, right? No? You’ve clearly not lived. Ernest has good intentions though bless him, he wants his virgin brother to gain “experience”. Last present I got my brother was a CD. Different times I suppose. Albert reluctantly chooses a lady of the night but the love for his wife to be proves too strong and he chooses not to sleep with her. Strangely though, he asks her to write down instructions on how to be good at sexy time. Diagrams would’ve been handy, no?

Back at Buckingham Palace, on learning that her father had a mistress, our Queen is getting paranoid about Albert’s intentions. She believes that he wants the money to look after his bit on the side but she doesn’t know that he’s not even interested in his bit on a plate. It does play well with the naivety of her age because it is easy to forget that she is eighteen and new to all this. Naturally they sort it all out in their own little way and the wedding is still go. But we’re not really interested in that are we? We want to cut to the wedding night and it does so pretty swiftly. Victoria waits nervously on her bed, frillies on, waiting for Albert to come through her door (sorry). When she asked him if he wanted any Madeira I wasn’t the only one thinking..

And why not? It might give the boy some stamina. They look at each other, kiss lots and it’s quite hot to be honest but typically the credits roll and we will never know if he suffered from a case of premature hierarchy or not.

An entertaining episode for sure but it still can’t disguise certain flaws. Away from the main thread there is still nothing going on in the secondary story lines that is of any interest. Penge has a love interest and that creepy guy is hassling the palace staff but it’s all very bland. As for the romance between Vic and Al, it feels decidedly hurried especially after we had three episodes of ‘Vicbourne’ and by the end of Albert’s second he has taken her up the aisle. Off camera probably. Nobody needs to see that. My biggest concern lies in the depiction of Victoria herself. Why is she being solely defined by the men in her life? We’ve had five hours of smitten puppy dog eyes and sighing which is fine by me because.. ya know.. but what about her achievements away from her love interests? I hope the series explores other dimensions to her as a person but remain cynical about it happening.

Lame of Thrones

The oddest choice for an opening shot this week with a CGI image of a palace that looked like a painting. They then cut to them outside a palace that was real. Why not just do an exterior shot of the actual palace? It adds a sense of unreality that is not in keeping with the show.

I really fancy some Madeira cake right now

Jenna perv count

Victoria: “Do you find me much changed?” Albert’s internal monolgue: * Well, your boobs look a lot bigger ma’am*

The director that keeps getting Jenna to roll around on the bed while reading letters deserves a pay rise. And a BAFTA. Somebody make a GIF of this and quick.

More wet Jenna. This time in a bath.

Albert: “The only person I want to please is you” Victoria’s internal monolugue: *SQUEEEEEEEEEE*