Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, episode 2

Actual title: The Green-Eyed Monster

What it should have been named: The Fertile Trouser Snake

For an episode that didn’t feature much in the way of historical events, I myself had my own small slice of personal history as this was the first time I watched an episode of Victoria with my girlfriend. It was as close to my ultimate threesome as I will ever get. Kind of. We hugged and she wasn’t even facing the screen for most of it other than a moment when I had to remove a great big spider from the living room. It still counts.

The focus this week is the two main men in Victoria’s life (sadly I’m not one of them). Lord M, the unrequited love returns with not so much a blaze of glory but more a stumble in the hallway. Turns out he’s very ill but still more than willing to offer advice on a relationship he’s clearly jealous of.

As for Albert, is the shine coming off his ‘tache? When introduced in series 1 he turned out to be the perfect foil to Victoria, providing much need light relief.  He gave the show momentum but their bickering relationship has turned into a creature of predictability. It’s part of the furniture. Marriage has taken the excitement out of what was a sweet relationship. Make your own conclusions.

The Queen, who let’s not forget, is in love with another man and spends the episode seeking his approval finds herself filled with jealousy as Albert connects with Lady Lovelace over “thinking machine”s and mathematics. Victoria tries to work out engines and pies times the possibility of Albert having an affair like..

To be fair, the name Lady Lovelace does sound like a porn star’s moniker. It’s unusual that her fears are allayed by the news that the daughter of Byron has a husband and three children because… married people with kids never have affairs?

Once again the secondary storylines plod along awkwardly and stick out like David Davis at a Brexit negotiation. In a reversal of roles, Ernest is not the one doing the staring as he is chased by a blushing Wilhelmina Coke but seems oblivious to her advances. Perhaps he’s more of a Pepsi man?

Mmmm.. the taste of a new generation. What else? Ah yes, the Duchess of Buccleuch pulls some silly faces and Miss Skerrett is still getting a tough time from stroppy old Francatelli. Most frustratingly of all, the 45 minutes is broken up with a young boy stealing things around the palace and there is literally no conclusion or any attempt to tie it together with any other strand of the episode. Maybe it will next week but either way it smacks of bad pacing.

Herein lies my underlying problem with period dramas in a nutshell. Amid all the lingering looks and over bearing prissiness nothing much happens. As the credits roll we are not much further on in the story than we were at the titles. Remember this is one of our most famous monarchs ruling at an important time in history but instead we are being wrapped up in nonsensical matters of the heart. It’s all very well dreaming up an imaginary love between Victoria and Lord M but we know nothing happens so where is the intrigue? Where is the drama? Everything looks beautiful and rich in detail but step away from the antechambers and you’re left stood in a shed that’s empty bar a baby’s cot.

Vic and Albs reunite at the end, smooching on some steps at the surprising news that her morning sickness and grumpiness is caused by pregnancy number two. They’re gonna need a bigger shed. .

Lame of thrones 

• Who the hell made those Mercedes adverts and can they be sacked with immediate effect? It makes me nostalgic for the Sainsbury’s ones
• I think my girlfriend should start calling me Lord M. My name’s Michael, see?
• On a plus note, the terrible CGI has been toned down this year to not so terrible.
• Melbourne: “Perhaps you would allow me to show you my collection”

Victoria:

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 1

 

Actual title: A Soldier’s Daughter

What it should have been named: Albert’s Helmet Needs A Good Plumbing

So here we go again, and if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about the Victoria media machine is that whatever happens in the series that follows will never surpass the opening press day. Why? Because of this:

Yes. Three different versions of Jenna in one day. Well, the same Jenna looking flipping incredible and worthy of a title higher than mere Queen. As such, August 24th is now declared ‘National Jenna Day’. I have spoken and so it must be shall.

 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Victoria is back. We return to Buckingham Place to find our Queen struggling to fathom her own motherly instincts, determined to carry on as normal by riding horses to jaunty music and shooting Albert smouldering evil glares. Understandably so this time as she soon finds out that her moustachioed hero is hiding a big secret from her. British soldiers are in trouble in Afghanistan and not wanting to worry his wife, he decides to keep it secret. Victoria soon takes up the duties everyone insists she can’t do. Like looking at some letters, moaning about the food and insulting Albert. The Prince is convinced the soldier’s uniform is problematic to the whole fighting aspect of their duty…

.. but her put down of “I don’t give a frig about your helmets” might be the most hurtful innuendo committed to telly. Tail between his legs, Albert takes to sorting out his plumbing. Or the palaces. Or both.

The issue of Victoria’s reluctant motherhood is handled deftly without any grandstanding and in a show not too keen on subtlety it is a refreshing touch. The attitude is typically British. Her stiff upper lip buckles when everyone around her talks about the pitter-patter of future imaginary feet. “What my country needs right now is a Queen – not a brood mare”. To be fair, it ended up with both. Another blunt dismissal follows at the need to be “purified” in church for her “sins” and it is sweetly done. Her sins being that she got jiggy with it.

The feminist narrative that underlines a lot of the show may be clunky but it comes from a good and truthful place so can be forgiven.

 

In the depths of the Palace, problems are brewing like a bad kettle in the kitchen. The new soup polluting chef is wielding knives at the staff as well as the vegetables when a maid is “caught red handed in the pantry with a loaf in her hand”. A quote perfect for ‘Ye Olde Bake Off’ should a commissioner be reading this. Worse still, his menu tastes fouler than Victorian bath water so Miss Skerrett (who has been promoted to chief dress maker) is sent crawling back to Francatelli but her metaphorical bum licking doesn’t work and his broken heart lashes out. Maybe actual bum licking would have worked?

By the end, our tiny leader stands on Trafalger (the boat not the square) and delivers a rousing and incredibly posh sounding speech to inspire her country despite thousands of soldiers perishing at the Kyhber Pass. Unfortunately “I think the fighting spirit of this country is more important than plumbing” was reserved just for her husband rather than her public. In a twist everyone was expecting, Francatelli is back in the kitchen without as much as an explanation. Or did he receive the bum licking and it ended up on the cutting room floor? Still, the deleted scenes will be an interesting watch now.

Series one grew in confidence and found a good rhythm between history and comedy but ‘A Soldier’s Daughter’ feels a backward step. The introduction of the Duchess of Buccleuch provides some light relief and the chemistry between the two leads sparkles as ever but that’s the thing with babies isn’t it? They ruin everything*

*Apparently

Lame of thrones

• Prince E(a)rnest is back with his stock emotions of giving good brotherly advice and wanting to get his end away with a married lady
• Speaking of brothers, kind of, the bromance between Albert and the PM is getting so serious they’ll be sorting each other’s plumbing out soon.
• “I’m sorry I was rude about your helmets. They really are very practical”. Imagine the outtakes
• Lord M returns next week. Cue a nation of sighing women and indifferent men

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 8

 

Every good series finale needs its fair share of impending doom and the vultures are circling Victoria. There is the deep worry that she may die in childbirth and added to that are Lord Cumberland’s unsubtle threats about the Queen’s downfall. It is a fantastically pantomime performance from Peter Firth who scowls more than he did in all series of Spooks combined. Of course, we know that she will not come in harm’s way so it is a credit to Daisy Goodwin that the tension is ramped up enough to be an entertaining hour of television. Forget all that famous recorded history stuff and just go with the flow.

While the letters from weirdo Queen fanboy Captain Childers was clumsily introduced mere minutes before his rant at the monarch (perhaps we could have had the scene where Lehzen bins his post last week?) it combines well with Cumberland’s desire for the throne. It turns out the assassination attempt was by Mr Oxford, a member of the Young England society which sound like they were an old school, working class version of UKIP without the lunch and travel expenses. However, it is the Queen’s ultimate fanboy Albert who heroically carries her from the cart and to safety. Suspicions that Cumberland gave the orders to pull the trigger reign and Oxford looks set to escape with a plea of insanity, leading Victoria to fear a life of incarceration due to safety fears. You could say SHE. WANTS. TO. BREAK. FREEEEE

Victoria’s strength shines through and she soon picks herself up to face the public again but her greatest moment comes when verbally destroying Cumberland.

Meanwhile, Ernest saunters back into the palace to cheer up his brother and maybe cheer up his downstairs mix up too. He again makes his intentions clear to Lady Sutherland, “If you had married a different kind of man. One who thought about you every moment you were apart. One who saw the way the curls fell on your neck in his dreams…” Ooh, Ernest. That even gave me shivers you old rogue you. Despite the lovelorn glances and steamy kisses, they do what they feel is right and leave it at that. With only a lock of her hair to show for his endeavours he walks away from her room with his unused tail between his legs. You sense he might be stroking that every single night. The lock of hair that is. Stop it with your dirty minds.

More romantic toing and froing  with Nancy and  Francatelli, who is going to new food based pastures and wants Nancy at his side. Alas, she decides she may be better off living in a grand palace. Funny that. True to form, for a story that’s been clumsily bubbling under the surface for weeks, it fizzled out on a whimper. It used up a lot of screen time that could have been assigned to the more meatier plots. That reminds me Mr chef, could you do us up a bacon sarnie before you go? There’s a good chap.

While there isn’t a happy ending for everyone else, Victoria and Albert are at one with child as the credits roll and its rather refreshing to end things on a positive note. Jenna Coleman has been “a revelation” to some but then she’s bloody great so why are people surprised? Her innocence and attitude have been perfectly channelled into this tiny ball of wonder. As for Tom Hughes, the show went from strength to strength with his introduction and while the make believe romance with Lord Melbourne was a charming distraction, the real love of Vicbert is much more affecting. So there you have it, my initial cynicism waned with every episode and I’d be probably be watching the next series even if Jenna wasn’t in it. I can’t pay Daisy Goodwin a higher compliment than that.

Lame of thrones

Albert really does have a sense of humour and it turns out he likes bad puns. That is the best kind of humour.

“A palace this size can never have too many teaspoons”. Nobody tell Uri Geller.

The scenes with Mr Oxford confirmed something I’ve been thinking these last few weeks: Victoria is like a glossy Ripper Street. Glossy Street. Glossingham Palace.

Jenna perv count

Tom Hughes got to kiss Jenna’s nose AND be paid for it. This is a mixture of emotions for me as it is my ultimate life goal but the seething jealousy is strong.

Hopes for series two

I really hope we get more commentary of the Victorian era away from just the Monarchy’s point of view.

Cut out the CGI or get better CGI. I was not amused.

A full on, disgustingly graphic sex scene between Vic and Albert. Something that’ll offend Sainsbury’s so much that they stop doing those bloody adverts during the show.

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 1

The days are still warm and the sun is still in the sky for a decent amount of the day and yet the TV schedulers are insistent on counting us down to Christmas already. The X Factor is back, the Strictly line up has been revealed and the BBC and ITV will not just be competing on Saturday nights for, as of next week, the comforting aura of their biggest period dramas will do battle. Victoria will win on my television for two reasons: Jenna Coleman is in it and I found Poldark insanely dull. To be honest, I wouldn’t be watching it at all if there was no Jenna. I admit it, I’m a total fanboy. Yes, yes, I fancy the flip out of her but there is honestly more to it than that. She’s progressing as an actress more and more and right now she has the world at her feet, and those feet will definitely reach. Here’s the catch though: I have a profound hatred for period dramas and cannot abide the monarchy and all they stand for. True story – I once didn’t turn up to school purely because the Queen was visiting. Which at least gave me an excuse rather than my normal one of “I can’t be arsed”. As such, I went into this with a strong sense of foreboding. So my plan was to try and keep an open mind but as you’ll find out, those principles were not easy to stick to.

First things first, it looks stunning. The opening sequences are are cinematic tour of Kensington Palace as the news filters through that Victoria is to be Queen. There’s lots of intense staring from Jenna which is a tad over the top. Her blue contact lenses giving a way too good impression of a Synth from Channel 4’s Humans. Sadly, I know for a fact you can’t order a Jenna to live in your house and serve your every need… because I’ve tried. The long startled looks must be a result of the director shouting “ACT WITH YOUR EYES! Show no emotion with the rest of your face!”

Once she gets to cut free from gawping at something clearly amazing (and a little confusing) just off camera, Jenna is in full stride. Perfectly blending a mix of sweet,  childlike eighteen year old and the ruthless ambition that’s bubbling under. Let’s hope we see much more of this.

Now, believe it or not there’s more to this show than Jenna.. er, I mean Victoria. The cast is certainly strong. Rufus Sewell plays Prime Minister Lord Melbourne whose missus cheated on him with Lord Byron. I think that’s right. I don’t particularly care. I was too unwittingly distracted by his.. erm groinal area. Thank God David Cameron never wore trousers that tight. Anyway, he and Victoria grow closer as the posh bitching commences behind their backs. Which brings us to the ballroom scene. Yes, the one you’ve seen a thousand times before in every other period drama ever. They do care to dance and the guy gets jealous when the woman he wants is dancing with another man. Naturally in the background everyone is muttering on with fevered brows about the state of the relationship.  Goodness, what a scandal etc etc

It’s clear ITV are putting out the first two episodes this week to get a head start over Poldark, to get viewers involved but I sense topless Aidan Turner will win the ratings over not topless Jenna. A lot of love and devotion has gone into Victoria and visually it jumps from the screen. On the whole, the performances are strong but there are some hammy characters too. It feels predictable but then that’s probably what people want from Sunday night telly. I didn’t hate it which is a victory in itself but will I become a monarchist by the finale? ..

Lame of thrones:

“Papa! Papa!” At times I wondered  whether we had been duped into watching one big budget, movie length Renault advert.

Speaking of adverts. There were way too many. And not one for Renault if I recall correctly.

Beeswax candle consumption. That was when things got really interesting.

Lady Flora, who nobody could believe wasn’t butter,  wasn’t even better either because she died.

The green screen shots felt like you were really there.. standing at a green screen that is. Let’s just say they left a lot to be desired.

Did Jenna actually kiss a dog on the mouth? Jeez, you can go off someone..

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