Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 8

 

Every good series finale needs its fair share of impending doom and the vultures are circling Victoria. There is the deep worry that she may die in childbirth and added to that are Lord Cumberland’s unsubtle threats about the Queen’s downfall. It is a fantastically pantomime performance from Peter Firth who scowls more than he did in all series of Spooks combined. Of course, we know that she will not come in harm’s way so it is a credit to Daisy Goodwin that the tension is ramped up enough to be an entertaining hour of television. Forget all that famous recorded history stuff and just go with the flow.

While the letters from weirdo Queen fanboy Captain Childers was clumsily introduced mere minutes before his rant at the monarch (perhaps we could have had the scene where Lehzen bins his post last week?) it combines well with Cumberland’s desire for the throne. It turns out the assassination attempt was by Mr Oxford, a member of the Young England society which sound like they were an old school, working class version of UKIP without the lunch and travel expenses. However, it is the Queen’s ultimate fanboy Albert who heroically carries her from the cart and to safety. Suspicions that Cumberland gave the orders to pull the trigger reign and Oxford looks set to escape with a plea of insanity, leading Victoria to fear a life of incarceration due to safety fears. You could say SHE. WANTS. TO. BREAK. FREEEEE

Victoria’s strength shines through and she soon picks herself up to face the public again but her greatest moment comes when verbally destroying Cumberland.

Meanwhile, Ernest saunters back into the palace to cheer up his brother and maybe cheer up his downstairs mix up too. He again makes his intentions clear to Lady Sutherland, “If you had married a different kind of man. One who thought about you every moment you were apart. One who saw the way the curls fell on your neck in his dreams…” Ooh, Ernest. That even gave me shivers you old rogue you. Despite the lovelorn glances and steamy kisses, they do what they feel is right and leave it at that. With only a lock of her hair to show for his endeavours he walks away from her room with his unused tail between his legs. You sense he might be stroking that every single night. The lock of hair that is. Stop it with your dirty minds.

More romantic toing and froing  with Nancy and  Francatelli, who is going to new food based pastures and wants Nancy at his side. Alas, she decides she may be better off living in a grand palace. Funny that. True to form, for a story that’s been clumsily bubbling under the surface for weeks, it fizzled out on a whimper. It used up a lot of screen time that could have been assigned to the more meatier plots. That reminds me Mr chef, could you do us up a bacon sarnie before you go? There’s a good chap.

While there isn’t a happy ending for everyone else, Victoria and Albert are at one with child as the credits roll and its rather refreshing to end things on a positive note. Jenna Coleman has been “a revelation” to some but then she’s bloody great so why are people surprised? Her innocence and attitude have been perfectly channelled into this tiny ball of wonder. As for Tom Hughes, the show went from strength to strength with his introduction and while the make believe romance with Lord Melbourne was a charming distraction, the real love of Vicbert is much more affecting. So there you have it, my initial cynicism waned with every episode and I’d be probably be watching the next series even if Jenna wasn’t in it. I can’t pay Daisy Goodwin a higher compliment than that.

Lame of thrones

Albert really does have a sense of humour and it turns out he likes bad puns. That is the best kind of humour.

“A palace this size can never have too many teaspoons”. Nobody tell Uri Geller.

The scenes with Mr Oxford confirmed something I’ve been thinking these last few weeks: Victoria is like a glossy Ripper Street. Glossy Street. Glossingham Palace.

Jenna perv count

Tom Hughes got to kiss Jenna’s nose AND be paid for it. This is a mixture of emotions for me as it is my ultimate life goal but the seething jealousy is strong.

Hopes for series two

I really hope we get more commentary of the Victorian era away from just the Monarchy’s point of view.

Cut out the CGI or get better CGI. I was not amused.

A full on, disgustingly graphic sex scene between Vic and Albert. Something that’ll offend Sainsbury’s so much that they stop doing those bloody adverts during the show.