Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 8

Actual title: The Luxury Of Conscience

What it should have been named: The End Of Foreboding

And so it comes to pass, the final chapter of the second series is designed to pull at the heartstrings with little concern for historical accuracy. Relationships formed are torn apart and a death is on the cards.

Albert’s war with Lehzen seems a bit out of the blue. Sure, they’ve never got on but I suppose if anything is going to trigger the prince’s ultimatum of “either she leaves or I do” it’s Lehzen’s total disregard for the health of their daughter. Here is unseen footage of the baroness plotting the death of an innocent child..

It turns out alright in the end though because the grim reaper has another appointment this episode and he can’t be in two places at once.

Victoria has to choose between her husband and her slave and so it’s Lehzen that gets the marching orders. Nobody is shedding a tear. Well, the Queen is but there’ll be another servant to fill her horrid, cold boots soon enough.

Drummond and Alfred’s flourishing relationship is put down before its dog has had a run in the park. Drummond is shot protecting his dad outside parliament (a fictional take on proceedings) leaving Alfred understandably heartbroken but unable to grieve in public.

A more legal Bromance ends in tears too. Robert Peel’s determination to repeal the Corn Laws succeeded but it was political suicide.

Peel offers his resignation and that means there will no longer be excitable conversations between him and the Prince about trains. Truly the saddest moment of all in this finale. Other than that, it’s difficult to find sympathy with infighting Tories. Seasons change, fashions change, even aspect ratios on televisions change but the Conservatives will always be self-obsessed bigots and that’s something even a lightweight period drama got down to a tee.

Things look on the up for E(r)nest and his chances of getting into Lady Sutherland’s garments but it’s a good job their tête-à-tête was interrupted as we soon learn that he is not free from his syphilis and that makes him indisposed from sexy pants action.  Even I felt a little sorry for the fella.

It was a dark hour of telly all in all, especially those bloody Mercedes adverts, but there was one ray of sunlight through the clouds. Francatelli and Miss Skerrett are finally courting (as my dad still calls it) and a kiss was caused by what could be the two most Victorian chat up lines yet: “You do make very good tarts” and “would you like to come under my parasol”. Let’s hope that this is a relationship that lasts and that the  dressmaker doesn’t accidentally put a pin in her heart or the chef has a soggy bottom.

A second series is wrapped up and after eight weeks of magically multiplying babies, heartbreak and deaths it’ll be good to have a break and focus on the rubbish stuff that’s going on in our own lives. After it’s refusal to start early on in the series, Victoria finished strongly like a horse on speed at the Cheltenham festival. Speaking of horses, a small one (I believe they’re called ponies) has invaded the palace and is seen as some sort of happy ever after. Sure it is, until it shits everywhere. Perhaps that’s the plot of the Christmas special.

Lame of thrones:

• Why hasn’t Albert punched his dad yet? The poor wall that was on the receiving end did not deserve that.
• There wasn’t enough Vicbert snogging this series. Dear ITV…

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 7

Actual title: The King Over The Water

What it should have been named: The Queen Under The Duvet

Not for the first time, Victoria is subject to assassination attempts and this spurs the royals to seek temporary pastures new. Much like their visit to France, they try to swot up on the local customs. They endure bleak Scottish poetry.

They endure the “beastly instrument” of the bagpipes.

Albert angrily insists it “sounds like the noise a Deer makes when it is being slaughtered” but his wife finds it “rousing”. Or arousing depending on how you blow on it.

The plan of this visit over the border was to escape but King and Queen still find themselves surrounded by security so do a runner deep into the countryside in the style of Mark and Jez in the Quantocks. But on horseback. The cold and mist sets in they chance upon a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Rather than sharing rations of a chocolate bar they get an offer to stay the night. The alternative was freezing themselves into an early coffin.

Exactly Mark, this isn’t southern England. Keep up.

This is the most beautifully shot Victoria to date. The cinematography of the vast Scottish glens is absolutely breathtaking and place Jenna Coleman in shot too and it’s a veritable feast for the eyes.

As for the mystery of what a Scotsman keeps under his kilt, Miss Skerrett almost finds out but for her loyalty to Francatelli, a man who has yet to show the chief dressmaker what’s under his pans. Things are moving a bit quicker for Drummond and Alfred who stroll around the forest half-heartedly looking for the Queen. There are more pressing matters on their mind and it’s not just the trees that have got wood.

They finally get their freak on while overlooking a scenic lake with an orchestra playing. All of our first kisses have been like that though haven’t they? Will it be a case of what happens in Scotland stays in Scotland? Will their love remain unrequited? It’s unlikely to have a happy ending. At least they get the chance to suck on something when Wilhelmina insists they have a go on the bagpipes before returning home.

Matters of the heart still persist between E(a)rnest and Lady Sutherland and assuming his diseased genitals have cleared up, the death of her husband may have left a vacancy for him to..erm.. fill. However, his condolesences are initially brushed away.

But the old charmer is sure to get his wicked way and spread more of his creepy germs.

This penultimate episode was genuinely funny, heart warming and in complete contrast to last week’s heavy tone. When it gets the balance right, Victoria is a light, entertaining romp that’s worthy of the budget. Like last series it has improved towards the end and this may be down to no more secondary stories being set up uncomfortably.

Lame of thrones: 

• Albert: “Safety must come before our inclinations”. Well, if you wore condoms, mate you’d have less children.
• Cooking fish on a fireplace has never had more sexual overtones.
• I want to go round saying “MY FELICITATIONS!” to random people for no good reason at all.
• Who else thought / hoped Jenna was going to get naked in this scene?
  https://twitter.com/emiliastormborn/status/917152683693367297

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 6

Actual title: Faith, Hope and Charity

What it should have been named:  Carbs, craps and STD’s

While last week was a jolly jaunt over the sea, a ‘Victoria Abroad’ if you will, the subject matter here is a much more bleak spectacle. The Irish potato famine is no laughing matter and is covered with great sensitivity and a subtle approach not usually associated with the show.

The sort of subtle approach this blog has I’m sure you’ll agree. Anyway, Robert Peel (who seems to live at Buckingham Palace) speaks of the “time war” to set us up. Hang on, the time war? What if there was some sort of massive button that if pressed can stop people dying of hunger?

Oh wait, it’s the tithe war. Sorry.

Elsewhere in Ireland we meet the Reverend Robert Traill who is battling his own religion and country in trying to get help for the starving. He soon gets an audience with the Queen, the lucky bastard.

Peel won’t budge from his usual stubborn mindset and when Victoria tells him to “come with me” and storms off to the bedroom he probably thought he was well in there. Sadly it just turned out that she wanted to guilt trip the Prime Minister into helping the Irish. He takes a little persuading by stating that “principles are a luxury” which made me wonder if the man was a surprising fan of two album noise makers Kinesis.

Alas, the chances are unlikley because the band formed in the year 2000, long after Peel’s death. Though what if he had access to some sort of box that could travel through time?

Tonight is all about doing the right thing. Francatelli offers his expensive swag to Miss Cleary so she can send money back to her family in Ireland. Victoria offers help too and even Peel stands up for his principles in parliament. And looks very smug about it. As the stats acknowledge at the end in a moving funeral scene, it was nowhere near enough.

Albert was not initially concerned with the lack of food of people in a different country and much more interested in food after it’s been digested by the people living in his country. It’s the circle of life.

The Palace was built on a sewer system apparently (make your own jokes) and installing new thrones with flushing capabilities is his piss de resistance.

Hygiene is less of an issue for E(a)rnest who pops up like a bad rash again. Ironic given he’s caught something nasty off one of his conquests. It’s not all bad news though as the husband of his lost love, the Lady of Sutherland has died in a freak accident. This paves the way for him to get his wicked way with the woman of his dreams at last. Just as long as he has a wash first. And wears protection.

Faith, Hope and Charity felt like the most cohesive work of the run to date and shows just what Victoria as a show is capable of when remaining focused. Not an easy watch by any stretch of the imagination but it deftly translated a time of huge human suffering onto the screen AND had a toilet joke.

Lame of thrones:

• Was anyone else expecting Ted Hastings to pop up and mumble about bent coppers?
• Is the Skerrett / Francatelli love story over and done with? They don’t seem that bothered by each other anymore.
• I can’t get that bloody Elton John song out of my head now.

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 5

Actual title: Entente Cordiale

What it should have been named: French Fancy

Victoria is on an adventure this week. Think Del Boy and Rodders in Margate but in a big mansion with lots of people speaking in unconvincing french accents. Similar, I’m sure you’d agree. The grand setting in Normandy belongs to King Louis Philippe. The Queen and her entourage are there to put a stop to the king’s plans to marry his son off with Isabella II, queen of Spain because she is only 13. Even for these sordid foreign types this was allegedly frowned upon.

The Duchess of Buccleuch isn’t have any of it and is shocked to the core by their tendency to kiss each cheek. It’s like “sodom and gomorrah” round these parts, apparently.

Drummond and Alfred wink knowingly at each other with a good sodding on their minds. They’re heading towards their “diplomatic incident” and it might include kissing two cheeks of a different kind.

Albert is grumpy and not just because of the whole father situation but because he is appalled by his hosts vulgar tastes and lack of purity. Should’ve gone to Margate instead and had a drink with the locals there.

In a quest to escape the filth of the french, Albert goes skinny dipping. Not quite sure where the logic is but it makes him a bit happier so fair play to the lad. Their guide is having none of it..

As for Drummond and Alfred, we see their forbidden kissable cheeks as they dive in. Into the lake that is. You have disgusting minds. What, are you french or something? Our Vic comes across her fella’s moment of nudity (stop it) and has a good perv while he’s oblivious. If you can’t creep on your own husband then who can you creep on, eh?

We are also led to believe the Queen is looking rough so she asks the maids for make up in order to fit in with the glamorous local ladies.

She gets the beauty treatment which involves “lotion for the chest area”. No jokes please, I’m British.

Thing is, she asks for this after the most gorgeous sweeping shot of Jenna’s amazing face. She looks stunning. Look, I can sweep the inaccuracies of the show under the carpet all day long but I will never accept for one second that you can improve perfection. This is a liberty too far Goodwin! Albert is right about one thing, he tells his wife that she doesn’t need the slap (unless she likes it. ooh er). The Prince then confesses his secret to Victoria in a sweet scene where she assures him that his patronage is not an issue. This leads to their own french kissing and er.. french shagging.  Albert you old dog, you’re just as gross as the rest of us. Don’t deny it.

We didn’t really learn much this week other than Victoria is now pregnant with child number three. Oh, we also discover that there’s beauty in a cabbage. Here’s a vegetable botherer who agrees..

Lame of thrones:

• Next week expect to see a singing aubergine named Sebastian.
• Spoiler alert: Sebastian may turn out to be Albert’s father
• E(a)rnest showed up yet. He just keeps reappearing lack a bad rash. I hear there’s some lotion for that.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 4

Actual title: The Sins Of The Father

What it should have been named: Duke, I Am Your Father

In a period drama that reflects such a big timespan, historical accuracy is sometimes understandably put to one side but sudden leaps in time can appear like a bolt from the blue. It’s not a complaint to be rushed straight into shots of Victoria sweating and writhing about on a bed (in no way is that image a bad thing) but it’s a surprise to be rushed straight to the birth of her second child which is thankfully an image that wasn’t shown. An excitable Albert declares “Gentleman, we have a prince of Wales?” Everyone is very happy about it. Well, except one person..

The Queen’s post-natal depression is doubled by giving birth to the future betrayer of a nation’s sweetheart (I think that’s right, I’m no monarchy expert but research is too much of an effort). Vic insists “all babies look like frogs to me”

Incredibly not even Albert’s singing can cheer her up.

There was a lot going on but nothing felt like it had much direction. There was an explosion at the Tower and the Queen attended the hospital where the victims lay. She cried but not many of the tears were for the victims. There was the the opening of a tunnel in the Thames and the Queen attended but showed zero interest. Little mugger boy also showed his face briefly and we may have just got to the point of his existence. Aptly for his vague screen time it doesn’t even involve him directly. Miss Skerrett blabbed to her friend about the Palace break in and Lehzen investigates the staff like a dubious Miss Marple (“Ooh Mr Francatelli, what an expensive suit you have on”). The truth comes out and despite being sacked by Victoria, the dress maker ends up with nicer headquarters at the behest of her husband. Was there a point to any of it? Answers on a postcard and send it to Coburg, please.

Speaking of Coburg, this is where the main narrative was. The Prince’s dad carks it while a lady is sat on his lap. All innocent no doubt but Albert visits home for the funeral where Leopald has a revelation that his dad isn’t actually dead for it is him who is actually his father..

Albert frothes at his ‘tache with anger

Literally.

It’s not all doom and gloom. Victoria is given a new puppy as a present and for the first time all episode a smile forms over face. Proof as if it was needed that dogs are better than children.

Lame of thrones

• For all that Brunel achieved in life and all he got here was an extra playing him for two seconds. Television is a cruel mistress.
• Not one mention of Lord M at all, which after everything that happened last week is plain weird. Don’t expect us to invest in stories if you don’t follow them through.
• There are homoerotic undertones underfoot at Buckingham Place and I’m not talking about Mr Penge and his mirror.
• I bet Victoria wouldn’t laugh if Albert pissed the bed
• Yes I know Albert isn’t a duke but what do you want from this blog? Facts or cheap but ultimately nonsensical jokes?

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Series 2, Episode 3

Actual title: Warp And Weft

What it should have been named: Death And Taxes

Romantic shenanigans are thankfully put on the back burner this week and it makes for a more streamlined episode. With good intentions, Victoria organises a ball for the struggling silk weavers of Spitalfields (which sounds like it could be a name of an obscure naughties indie band) but the pomp and ceremony of the event causes uproar. As royalty prances about in silly hats to flutes and banjos the word on the street is disgust. Sadly The Cooper Temple Clause didn’t get an invite to play Buckingham Palace unlike their fictional contemporaries. Here they are looking very glum about it. .

The issue of privilege is an important one whenever it comes to monarchy and it’s highlighted effectively when an iced swan glides through the decadent halls to the sounds of an angry parliament.

True to form, the point has to be made louder just in case you didn’t get the message and we see baying masses outside the palace intercut with trippy close ups of leftover food. Like Victoria had just dropped an acid and got the munchies. At least we get many close ups of Jenna’s amazing side profile.

See what I mean?

Lord M, in a vague illness that’s developed quicker than you can say “whigs”, is slowing down. His memory and speech decaying with each scene. Oh and Dash is suddenly old but time goes quicker in dog years, right?  Pulling a rabbit out of the hat, Daisy Goodwin accomplishes Victoria’s most sentimental moments yet. Melbourne’s demise was accompanied by the chirps of a toy bird given as a gift by the Queen. The camera cuts from the former Prime Minister and closes in on the cage as its chirps stutter to a halt and silence fills the screen. Now THAT is drama. But Daisy is not just content with ripping the heart out of middle aged women so in a twist of that could be called historical inaccuracy, Victoria walks in on a prostrate Dash and breaks down with the heartache of it all. If you don’t feel sad at the death of a fictional dog then you are NOTHING to me.

Surprising they didn’t turn Dash into a new rug for their bedroom floor and instead gave him a little funeral. Did the cute eared little thing leave anything of worth in his will or do they have to keep surviving off pheasant dinners? Find out next week..

Lame of thrones

• Albert’s new hat looked like a Poundland special. A lame throne indeed.
• E(a)rnest is going back to Coburg. Let’s hope he stays there so we don’t have to put up with his lovesick frowning.
• The stealing urchin reappeared. For a small moment. Perhaps he nicked bits of his script?
• Vic was really talking about Lord M in her grief. Poor Dash.

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 8

 

Every good series finale needs its fair share of impending doom and the vultures are circling Victoria. There is the deep worry that she may die in childbirth and added to that are Lord Cumberland’s unsubtle threats about the Queen’s downfall. It is a fantastically pantomime performance from Peter Firth who scowls more than he did in all series of Spooks combined. Of course, we know that she will not come in harm’s way so it is a credit to Daisy Goodwin that the tension is ramped up enough to be an entertaining hour of television. Forget all that famous recorded history stuff and just go with the flow.

While the letters from weirdo Queen fanboy Captain Childers was clumsily introduced mere minutes before his rant at the monarch (perhaps we could have had the scene where Lehzen bins his post last week?) it combines well with Cumberland’s desire for the throne. It turns out the assassination attempt was by Mr Oxford, a member of the Young England society which sound like they were an old school, working class version of UKIP without the lunch and travel expenses. However, it is the Queen’s ultimate fanboy Albert who heroically carries her from the cart and to safety. Suspicions that Cumberland gave the orders to pull the trigger reign and Oxford looks set to escape with a plea of insanity, leading Victoria to fear a life of incarceration due to safety fears. You could say SHE. WANTS. TO. BREAK. FREEEEE

Victoria’s strength shines through and she soon picks herself up to face the public again but her greatest moment comes when verbally destroying Cumberland.

Meanwhile, Ernest saunters back into the palace to cheer up his brother and maybe cheer up his downstairs mix up too. He again makes his intentions clear to Lady Sutherland, “If you had married a different kind of man. One who thought about you every moment you were apart. One who saw the way the curls fell on your neck in his dreams…” Ooh, Ernest. That even gave me shivers you old rogue you. Despite the lovelorn glances and steamy kisses, they do what they feel is right and leave it at that. With only a lock of her hair to show for his endeavours he walks away from her room with his unused tail between his legs. You sense he might be stroking that every single night. The lock of hair that is. Stop it with your dirty minds.

More romantic toing and froing  with Nancy and  Francatelli, who is going to new food based pastures and wants Nancy at his side. Alas, she decides she may be better off living in a grand palace. Funny that. True to form, for a story that’s been clumsily bubbling under the surface for weeks, it fizzled out on a whimper. It used up a lot of screen time that could have been assigned to the more meatier plots. That reminds me Mr chef, could you do us up a bacon sarnie before you go? There’s a good chap.

While there isn’t a happy ending for everyone else, Victoria and Albert are at one with child as the credits roll and its rather refreshing to end things on a positive note. Jenna Coleman has been “a revelation” to some but then she’s bloody great so why are people surprised? Her innocence and attitude have been perfectly channelled into this tiny ball of wonder. As for Tom Hughes, the show went from strength to strength with his introduction and while the make believe romance with Lord Melbourne was a charming distraction, the real love of Vicbert is much more affecting. So there you have it, my initial cynicism waned with every episode and I’d be probably be watching the next series even if Jenna wasn’t in it. I can’t pay Daisy Goodwin a higher compliment than that.

Lame of thrones

Albert really does have a sense of humour and it turns out he likes bad puns. That is the best kind of humour.

“A palace this size can never have too many teaspoons”. Nobody tell Uri Geller.

The scenes with Mr Oxford confirmed something I’ve been thinking these last few weeks: Victoria is like a glossy Ripper Street. Glossy Street. Glossingham Palace.

Jenna perv count

Tom Hughes got to kiss Jenna’s nose AND be paid for it. This is a mixture of emotions for me as it is my ultimate life goal but the seething jealousy is strong.

Hopes for series two

I really hope we get more commentary of the Victorian era away from just the Monarchy’s point of view.

Cut out the CGI or get better CGI. I was not amused.

A full on, disgustingly graphic sex scene between Vic and Albert. Something that’ll offend Sainsbury’s so much that they stop doing those bloody adverts during the show.

 

 

 

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 7

It’s not often you’d find me offering sympathy to members of the monarchy but the spectacle of having to sit through endless tiresome performances and trying to feign interest is a fate worse than Charles becoming King. In fact, our current head of state has entirely given up any pretence by scowling and the public still seem to love her anyway.”I am bilious quickly!” Victoria says as she runs from the room to be “indisposed from the mouth”. The music wasn’t THAT bad. Of course, it turns out she’s pregnant. Constant shagging without contraception tends to do that.

Not one to stay at home and take it easy, Victoria and Albert go away for a couple of days because they can. Butlins must have been fully booked that weekend so instead they visit the Giffords to wine and dine in the country. and shoot some birds in the process. That doesn’t happen in Minehead.  Victoria’s early plea of “don’t talk railway at me” backfires when Robert Peel turns up and bonds with the Prince over trains and a passionate belief that they are the future. Albert scurries away in secret for a dirty day out (the coal gets everywhere) with the future Prime Minister and is even more a fanboy of the train than Simon Pegg is about Star Wars.

After another mini argument, Vicbert get things back on track when Vic takes a ride on the steam train herself and it’s fair too say she loved it almost as much as Bert did.

There might not have been the same excitement if they’d ever had to endure another Southern Rail strike or taste the poor quality of over priced sandwiches on their buffet carts but let us enjoy such naive enthusiasm for now.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Skerrett and Francatelli are bonding over food and soon invent the ‘Bombe Surprise’ but we are still waiting for their romance to truly explode. Will we finally see them lick each other’s spoons next week? That’s probably considered second base in Victorian times.

The show has grown in confidence as the series has progressed and it really feels like it’s found its true identity now. Sadly we only have one episode left but I’m more than pleased that the tone has become more historical and this has been achieved with plenty of laughs. A lot of the improvement lies in the relationship between the Queen and Prince. It is both fiery and cute and there is so much fun interplay between the two. Vicbert rules OK. Literally.

Lame of thrones

Victoria: “Albert doesn’t know how to talk. He doesn’t know how to dissemble”

“The sagging cleft of power” Eeew

Albert’s knowledge of Carlisle was almost as impressive as his love of trains.

Victoria: “Contrary to popular belief, I’m not actually scared of Tories” You should be ma’am.

FYI, there is nothing wrong with beetroot. But then I am a peasant.

EXCLUSIVE: Never seen before selfie by Sir Robert Peel.

Jenna perv count

“You are going to look at my body and be revolted. I know it”. Never, Vic. NEVER.

Albert looking at a steam train: “It is the most magnificent thing I have ever seen”. Mate, THIS IS YOUR WIFE…

Reviews Of ‘Victoria’ By A Jenna Coleman Fan Who Hates Period Dramas AND The Monarchy – Episode 5

 

First and foremost, let’s get some admin out of the way. I know my army of admirers  are chomping at the bit for reviews of episodes three and four (er.. well two people asked).  I haven’t been able to do them these last couple of weeks but fear not you two, I will retrospectively review them when I get time which means I’ll have to watch even more Jenna. The things I do for you, eh? Before the series races.. or plods over the finishing line I considered it wise to get up to date. So..

If curious looking shrubs aren’t your speciality then don’t worry, you will still find something of interest in the show that is unexpectedly beating Poldark in the ratings. Its success can be put down to a number of things: The lavish production and Jenna’s impossibly sexy nose are clearly high on the list but ultimately it is the romance that has won Britain’s heart. While Ross broods moodily at Demelza, Victoria is now gazing lovingly at a man that isn’t Lord M. Period drama AND romance? Britain loves that kind of shizzle.

After a sneaky snog in the garden area (not a euphemism), the personal politics starts  all over again. Albert wants a title and £50,000 a year so not to feel like Victoria’s servant (I’ll take that job if it’s going thanks) but the privy council despise her choice of partner because not only is he German but he also has a Catholic relative. The scandal. There is a more lighthearted feel this week and many great lines. “What is wrong with being German? If you go back far enough my entire family is German” Victoria protests to a calm Melbourne who retorts “public opinion is not known for its logic ma’am”. The M-meister is on form again when she claims “At least I know Albert doesn’t have any secrets”. His nonchalant “No, well that usually comes later ma’am..” is cutting but polite. Tonight we said goodbye to our favourite Whig and it was a little bit heartbreaking. He kisses a farewell to the Queen on her cheek and the tension between the two is still palpable.

While on a visit back to his homeland, Albert is taken for a jolly day out by his brother Ernest.. to a brothel. Sure, we’ve all been to a brothel with our brother, right? No? You’ve clearly not lived. Ernest has good intentions though bless him, he wants his virgin brother to gain “experience”. Last present I got my brother was a CD. Different times I suppose. Albert reluctantly chooses a lady of the night but the love for his wife to be proves too strong and he chooses not to sleep with her. Strangely though, he asks her to write down instructions on how to be good at sexy time. Diagrams would’ve been handy, no?

Back at Buckingham Palace, on learning that her father had a mistress, our Queen is getting paranoid about Albert’s intentions. She believes that he wants the money to look after his bit on the side but she doesn’t know that he’s not even interested in his bit on a plate. It does play well with the naivety of her age because it is easy to forget that she is eighteen and new to all this. Naturally they sort it all out in their own little way and the wedding is still go. But we’re not really interested in that are we? We want to cut to the wedding night and it does so pretty swiftly. Victoria waits nervously on her bed, frillies on, waiting for Albert to come through her door (sorry). When she asked him if he wanted any Madeira I wasn’t the only one thinking..

And why not? It might give the boy some stamina. They look at each other, kiss lots and it’s quite hot to be honest but typically the credits roll and we will never know if he suffered from a case of premature hierarchy or not.

An entertaining episode for sure but it still can’t disguise certain flaws. Away from the main thread there is still nothing going on in the secondary story lines that is of any interest. Penge has a love interest and that creepy guy is hassling the palace staff but it’s all very bland. As for the romance between Vic and Al, it feels decidedly hurried especially after we had three episodes of ‘Vicbourne’ and by the end of Albert’s second he has taken her up the aisle. Off camera probably. Nobody needs to see that. My biggest concern lies in the depiction of Victoria herself. Why is she being solely defined by the men in her life? We’ve had five hours of smitten puppy dog eyes and sighing which is fine by me because.. ya know.. but what about her achievements away from her love interests? I hope the series explores other dimensions to her as a person but remain cynical about it happening.

Lame of Thrones

The oddest choice for an opening shot this week with a CGI image of a palace that looked like a painting. They then cut to them outside a palace that was real. Why not just do an exterior shot of the actual palace? It adds a sense of unreality that is not in keeping with the show.

I really fancy some Madeira cake right now

Jenna perv count

Victoria: “Do you find me much changed?” Albert’s internal monolgue: * Well, your boobs look a lot bigger ma’am*

The director that keeps getting Jenna to roll around on the bed while reading letters deserves a pay rise. And a BAFTA. Somebody make a GIF of this and quick.

More wet Jenna. This time in a bath.

Albert: “The only person I want to please is you” Victoria’s internal monolugue: *SQUEEEEEEEEEE*